Cinny's B-day

I just got home and sat on the bed and turned on my computer and the cutest thing happened. I'm sitting here checking my mail and then getting ready to post and the little sweet Pookster just came up to me and acted as if to say "OH mom your home I missed you so much!" It is the sweetest thing she just crawled up into my lap and cuddled right up to me. She is so sweet and I love her so much. I told Chris that even if someone offered me 1 million dollars for her I would never take it and I don't think he understands, because he doesn't love a kitty like I do. I mean he would argue well they are your cats...well we have 5 cats that we are keeping and only 2 of those were cats I had before I was with him. There was Gavin and Trinity and that was it. Kalypso was born a year after we were together and Vader is only 6 moths old. Pooky bear is just a baby, she is only 3 months old, so technically, Kalypso, Vader, and Pooky are all his babies too. Well they don't like me he says. Well Vader is very independent and he says that you have to force affection for the cats to be really lovable. BOLOGNA, I let Pooky come to me when she wants and she is totally in love with me. I love her, she is gorgeous beyond belief and she has an incredible personality for a cat, I just hope she doesn't turn out to be to much like Vader. Don't get me wrong I love Vader very much, but I don't think she will cuddle with me a day in her life and Pooky cuddles with me ALL the time.

We had a good time tonight. Cinny liked all her presents as I had hoped that she would. Kat also loved their house warming present which was totally awesome, it's a really nice place they have there, there is definitely a jealousy factor :p of course that isn't hard since I really hate this damn city.

Front page of the newspaper was 2 bodies found in shallow graves of Foss St. in Lisbon, I believe, so yeah that just makes you want to sleep better at night. Oh well, I'm stuck here until I can afford a car.

As you could imagine we had some drinks last night and Chris is plowed off a 40 and a screwdriver, so he is of course passed out next to me. Yay, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my only night off with my husband sleeping yet again. Yay that is how we spent Thursday. We spent all day helping my mom clean the crap out from under her porch and boy isn't that some nasty shit. Oh well, I suppose this is just how life is, something I need to get used to. So later on, I'll talk more bye bye.

Contradiction

As always there is a contradiction going on in my head. I know how it is, I know what is happening and what is supposed to happen, but it is still hurting me and making me feel horrible. Chris tells me that people have to move on with their lives and I totally get that and agree with it, I know it's true. The thing that gets me is that my life isn't going anywhere I guess. I feel so very all alone with no friends and no one to turn to. I even feel completely alone with Chris. Every time we have a serious talk we fight, and it becomes more and more clear to me that if we had to talk all the time he would more than likely end up leaving me.

Apparently I make him feel bad for everything. He tells me I should go visit him at work tonight because he always went to visit me, so I said no you didn't, and of course he said that if he didn't come visit me I made him feel bad. I don't TRY to make any one feel bad, so I don't understand how I made him feel bad, of course I might pout or playfully say well you suck then, but it's a game to try and hide how really upset about it I am. Yeah I hated being alone working at 7-11 it was a scary place sometimes, crazy shit happens there, so I really wanted him to visit me, so I could feel safer, but I never forced him to. Now of course I feel like I force him to do everything he doesn't want to do. Why would he want to be with me then? If I force him to do everything with my "guilt trips" than why stay around? When he tells me shit like this I just want to leave him and be alone, so that he would be better, but he always tells me that he wouldn't be better...how could he not be better doing what he wants to do? He says that I try to change him all the time, well ya know what? If I was as fucked up about some shit as he is I would want someone to change me. He stays, says he's ok with it and that I'm helping him so much and that he appreciates what I do for him and then turns around and says you're always trying to change me. Ya know what, we may be married and straight up divorce isn't really an option unless things are TOTALLY un-salvageable, but he can always leave, if not for a long time for a short time, just to find out what he really wants, because I'm not so sure it's me any more. I do want what's best for him, of course I love him and want to be with him, but if he needed to leave I would be crushed, but know that he had to to be happy. I don't know if the fact that we are married is to much for him or not, but I don't get his honesty all the time because I get mad about stuff, well any person would get mad about some of the stuff he says to me. Some complete contradictions to other feelings he has previously expressed. I'm not just saying a few things, all people have contradicting feelings, I mean there are A LOT of things. brb gotta restart the dryer.

Ok all set, I have like 6 loads of laundry for Kat and Cinny because they are moving this weekend, they moved a lot of stuff yesterday and I'm helping them to move more today, I got some more sleep already, but I think I'm gonna have Chris bring home some energy stuff just to be sure. Cindy's party is supposed to be tonight as well I'm excited to give her my presents and hang out with her. I miss her so very very much. As mention afore, I feel like she is moving away not just physically, but emotionally from me. I understand it all and that this is her life and she needs to do what she is doing and that it is all a normal thing, but I think it has something to do with the way we were raised. I feel the same way when my mom gets to busy for me. I think that the thing that is holding me up is that I lived with Cinny for so long, and when we lived together we always made comments and jokes that we would always live together, that I took those comments to be what would really happen. I should have known better than to think that that could or would happen, but I guess it still has me kinda upset. I need to remember to bring this up to my counselor on Tuesday.

I need to apologize to certain readers if this is upsetting in any way. Please understand that this is the only place I can tell the absolute truth without holding back. Anything that is ever said here is NEVER meant to hurt or upset anyone it is just my true feelings, believe me I understand that a lot of them are very wrong and messed up, but I can't stop them, they just happen, it's crazy I know.

There are a lot of things that I have wanted to talk about on here and haven't because I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings, maybe I should make another blog? No I've had more than one and I know that I would keep up with just one and not any other. I don't know what to do except tell the truth, so I guess from now on that's what I'll do. Well everything posted here has been the truth, but not the whole thing ya know?

One thing that Chris said in EB the other day was pretty fucked up. He walked past the PC games and said I wont bother looking at those. So naturally I asked why and he said he couldn't use his computer without being made to feel bad and I said how so? He then said I don't want to talk about it right now, so I figured that I was the cause and I had to leave, so I wouldn't cry. People wonder why I feel like a burden, well here ya go here's why. If that wasn't a set up I don't know what is. He wanted to make me feel bad just then and it worked. I have a hard time dealing with rejection as everyone does, and one way I deal with it is to make jokes about it. For example when Chris would get on the computer and I really wanted to be with him, I would jokingly say you love your computer more than me don't you? He mentioned it once and I said it was only a joke and I said he was silly for thinking that I would actually believe he loved an electronic more than me. I don't know whose fault this is, whether it is mine for joking or his for taking it as more than a joke.

I told him that things were going to change and he thinks I was kidding, well I'm not. I'm going to do my own thing more often, so he can do whatever the hell he wants to do without being made to feel bad, I'm going to fall farther into my abyss of loneliness, so he can play his games. I don't know how many days I've said to him, do you want to go over to a friends house or something? You can do whatever you want to do this weekend I don't care. I said it sincerely and honestly and his response EVERY time is no I would rather be with you. I don't exactly know what is going on here, but I'm being made to feel horrible and shitty for something I try to avoid all the time. I have recently stopped telling him he can do what ever he wants for one I shouldn't have to do that, he should just do it and for two he always said he wanted to be with me, so why bother?

ARGH, I feel so crazy, I feel completely insane. I know I'm worth people's time and that they like being around me, but I can't help, but feel that no one wants me around. I feel like a charity case. Oh, poor Sarah she is so crazy let's hang out with her, so that she wont feel so worthless. Then once the novelty wears off I'm left alone again. I try so hard to just be a happy carefree person for everyone else so that they wont feel like they need to have me around, but it's really hard to just not feel how sad I am. Then once people know this they wont tell me the truth any more because they think they will hurt my feelings, well feelings get hurt, it's life that's just the way it is. Chris wont be honest with me because he could upset me and it pisses me off. I want to know how people really feel because if they don't tell me, I can sense the lies, then I feel like my feelings of them not liking me are even more true than I thought before. It feeds my crazy mind, with it's crazy beliefs. Should I be locked away somewhere, away from everyone I know and love? Can I just stop all this insanity and be normal? Then again who the hell knows what normal is.

I wonder where this craziness came from? Is it hereditary? Was my dad a psycho? I know I got the depression from the Pease side. What about all this other stuff. Did I make it up all by myself? I sometimes wonder if writing in this blog everyday facing my true feelings is making me even crazier. There was this one guy that read my blog regularly and he doesn't read it any more...to my knowledge. Is it because no one wants to hear the rantings of a crazy person?

Well I can say one thing, I'm looking forward to my psychology classes when I start college in just 10 days. I'm still really looking forward to college. Looking forward to meeting some new people going to the same classes as me. I need to focus on how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to go to college and to have this great apartment to live in comfortable, and to have all the people who love me regardless of how crazy I am. I love these people so much it hurts sometimes. I wouldn't want it any other way though.

I'm watching a crazy moving called Dagon, and I'm just happy that I'm not in that psycho town with those strange water monsters. I feel tons better after ranting, and I'm glad I'm a blogger :p. I'm glad for the feeling of release I get after getting it all out. I can breath better even, minus the smoke in my lungs from these nasty cigarettes :p. Ok I'm better, so I guess I'm gonna get to wrapping my aunt Cinny's presents :D.

Outlet

I've come to notice that when I'm having fun and things are good I tend to not post, not only because I am busy, but because this is my outlet. It's good to have something like that, and I just don't have the patience to write in a journal because writing takes so much longer than typing and I have so many thoughts going through my head that if I don't get them out fast enough they tend to go away. It's funny I just told Kat that I think I type faster now that I have started blogging and she said it was to keep up with my thoughts :p.

I had a good day today, I went to see my friend E, by we I mean Cin, Kat, Chris and myself. It was nice to see her again, I wish I had more time right now to hang out with her. She is a really special person, she has happiness and fun emanating off from her. Chris didn't really visit, he went down to the music store to be a dork. He tends to do that a lot. :p After that Cinny brought Chris and I to Governors and dropped us off, so we could have dinner. It was good, the coconut pie was yummy as ever and the boneless buffalo wings were REALLY spicy but very yummy. Then I had some roast turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes with turkey gravy. The turkey and potatoes were good, but the stuffing was gross. Oh yeah and I had coleslaw, how could I forget. The waitress was kinda dumb and she messed up like 5 or 6 times, so I gave her a suitable tip. It was nice to go out to a restaurant with Chris though. When we were done Cinny picked us back up, and we went home and stayed up for a little over an hour and then went back to sleep. He got up and went to work and I went back to sleep for a little while.

When I got up I signed on and talked to Cheryl for a little while and then I cleaned for two hours took a quick break and cleaned for two more and now here I am. I've managed to stay cool and calm all day and didn't have any anxiety issues at all really. I'm actually very excited because I'm going to see my mommy tomorrow and I really miss her, I get to see my brother Tony too, which is rare that he actually wanted to see me. I think he has grown up enough and moved on through his problem to start having a relationship with me which is awesome I just need to remember to stay calm and not get over excited and scare him, or make him uncomfortable. I'm a little scared for the day that he calls me Sissy again, because I know I'm gonna cry, and I don't want him to think that calling me that is a bad thing, it's just been so long. I hope that some day Nathan will grow up and stop being a little brat and I can hear him call me Sissy again too. He knows that I'm right about his behavior, but he won't take the steps to change it, he'd rather be a selfish, ungrateful hellion. I try not to worry to much about that though, it'll just get me worked up and worried about mom. She is getting up there in age and she has so many health problems, I wish I could take care of her, but for one I don't have a car and for two I think it might be more of a problem for her if I was always around with Nathan and everything because we are always at each others throats if he doesn't behave himself. I'd like to sit down and have a serious talk with him, but I don't know how he would react and I don't want to make him even more uncomfortable.

Well I have some more dishes to do and a ton of laundry to take care of, since I haven't done it all since I cleaned out the closet. I think I have 3 more loads to do and then I'll finally be done with it. Oh no wait I have 4 because I have a load of bed clothes to do because Gavin has been angry about something lately and he has decided to pee on my bed twice and managed to get both of my comforters. Bye bye now.

Craziness

I feel like a pile of garbage today for many reasons. For one big reason I was to beat to go do the phones today and I feel like a huge shit because of it. I hate letting people down when they are counting on me. It was just to much for me today. I gave Chris that electric razor and instead of the ecstatic happiness I anticipated, he said oh thank you, it's the wrong one though. I couldn't take it I burst into tears and bawled my eyes out for about an hour. I hadn't been able to sleep in the night, so the only sleep I had been getting was 3 or 4 hours before I left to do the phones. Then yesterday as I send in my last post I had that appointment and it was way to early, I barely got to see Chris because I had to sleep and it was just to much, I started crying before I had to go to my appointment, and then on the way there my grandma and grandpa kept arguing about driving. My grandpa was driving just fine, but my grandmother was being super paranoid and really, being mean to him.

On a quick note my kitten, Pooky, is so sweet, she likes to crawl on my leg and squeeze in between my leg and my lap top because the bottom is so warm and it is the sweetest thing. She is so beautiful, she makes me smile and that is an awesome thing, since she used to run from me, but she was just a baby, so I should know better.

So after I got home from my appointment I thought about having to leave in an hour and a half and started crying again, so I thought that it would be best if I just stayed home and slept, so I did. Of course now I feel horrible, because I didn't go do phones and that sucks. I am feeling more rested though, so that is good I at least have the rest to focus on things and not be so emotional about my anxiety. I think it may be getting worse, I can barely function and that makes me feel like such a schmuck. I HATE not being able to function because of something that is my problem.

I talked to my councilor about maybe trying some meds and he told me I should see a doctor to see what they think I should take and then think about it, but I can't even afford to go see a doctor once, let alone twice. Then who knows if I can even afford the prescription. I'm once again stuck in a hole and the dirt just keep falling in when I try to climb out, burying myself alive. I need to figure out something, my life is suffering because of my anxiety and I can't take it. I have enough shit to deal with without anxiety being another problem on my sheet. Depression and Anxiety, WOW what a wonderful combination! I need to learn how to RELAX!!!! I'm always up tight about stuff and I can never seem to just relax. The funny thing is that when I'm talking to Cheryl she tells me to chill when I'm not even upset about anything lol. It's kinda funny. I portray being more pissed than I am in ims though, so I can understand the misconception. I'm gonna do some dishes, eat some food and try to find the elusive relaxation. I DO HAVE to do phones today at 5:oo, so I need to relax and stay calm and not get anxious...hhmm, let's see if it can be done.

Time (cont.)

Ok, so I have my pizza, all microwaved and card board delicious :P mmmm, mmmm, mmmm my favorite! You may think that I'm being sarcastic, but I really do adore them. It has to be a specific brand. I know your thinking Tostinos or something like that, but no, it's the brand of a little grocery store in the next town over called the IGA. They are so scrumptous, I only like the combination ones though. That was my last one however :( I had 11 of them at the beginning of the month, but alas they are gone now. I still have my huge jar of pickles from the IGA though! I'm gonna go get one, I'll brb, time me :p.......

Mmmm, the next yummiest thing from the IGA, pickley goodness. Of course the whole jar cost me 10 bucks, but I gotta splurge on pickles, I mean come on, we're talking pickles here! I don't know why the IGA has such yummy stuff, but they really know how to pick em. I'm almost tempted to try other IGA brand stuff, just to see. However I do know that the IGA brand mac and cheese tastes HORRIBLE! I like the extra creamy wal-mart brand or of course, the cheese masters, kraft. There is a brand that I haven't had something gross of, it's all good!

I had my one year wedding anniversary on Saturday. It was nice, I bought a new negligee to wear for Chris and I got him a book called Married For Life. It's got a bunch of tips, advice, and quotes from couples that have been married for over 50 years, which is really great! After Chris reads it, I'm gonna read it too. He offended me when I gave it to him though. I let it go and didn't say anything because I'm sure he meant nothing by it. He said in a snooty tone "ya know this book is good for you too". It's like well yeah I know that, I never even came close to claiming to be perfect. I guess the reason that it bugged me so much is because I was giving him something that I thought was beautiful and romantic and I think he saw it as a "here, this is how you fix stuff." I don't know, maybe I should have mentioned it to him, and explained why it hurt me, but I think it is best to just leave it alone.

He got me a wal-mart gift card with our pictures on it, it was very sweet, but the card was really nice, here's what he wrote: Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel I do not deserve you, but then I realize that God gave you to me. I do not know what I do or do not deserve, or am worthy of, but I trust and believe that God does. I stand by my vows to love and protect you, from now until forever. I believe you make me stronger, and for that I truly am thankful. "I love thee with breath, smiles, tears, of all my life." -Browning Happy 1st I look forward to the rest.

That was very sweet I thought. I like my gift card it's great, but I really liked the card he chose very much. Oh yeah this is what the card itself says: When thanking the Lord for His blessings, I thank him especially for you, Because of our wonderful marriage and the sweetness of all that you do, No blessing could ever be greater, And I thank Him with all of my life that you're my companion and helpmate, My friend, my sweet blessing - My wife. The whole thing was very sweet. I really loved it, it made me very happy and lifted me up for the day! I know I shouldn't have, but I kind of expected at least one rose, but I shouldn't have he never gets me flowers, and honestly that really makes me want to cry. I LOVE getting flowers, they are so beautiful. It's kinda of hard to remember that he doesn't really know how to be romantic all the time, but it's something I need to keep in mind I suppose.

Friday night when I went out it was the night of Cin and Kat's show, or should I say Cameron and Sean. They did an awesome job with Stan by Eminem, Kat was the perfect little Elton John. I say little, but he isn't very tall himself. We all had such a great time that night. Even though Cin wasn't happy drunk, I think she was still having sober fun lol. Diane even came out it was really great I loved hanging out with her again. It's good to know that even after all these years there is still a friend that loves me for who I am. I think her and Jay are the only strictly friends (family not included) that have been my friend no matter what has happened. I love and thank them for that. Well I think I've been writing for long enough and I'm sure I'll have more tonight (Tuesday night) since I'm doing phones again, SO boring!

Time

A while has passed since my last post. I have been busy with my friends, husband, and feelings. I went out on Friday night and had a good time. I drank to much and made an idiot out of myself dancing, but there was a girl there that I really like, and I've wanted to hang out with her and be friends for a long time, but I've always been to shy to ask. I asked her that night and we exchanged numbers. I have been really busy lately though and I haven't found the time to call her. I've had a few minutes here and there, but I want to set aside at least a half hour to talk to her. I hope I'll have some time to do that on Wednesday. Today was a busy day because I wanted to spend the morning with Chris, but I never got the chance to nap in the night because I was working on a project for the guild. Hhhmm, one thing that I think needs mentioning is that "today" means Monday, not Tuesday which is the "actual" today.

I did my first night on the phones for the Maine Wont discriminate Campaign, and it was very boring, but I was very much needed. The other 3 people that were there volunteering were screwing around pretty much the whole time. Laughing and giggling at every little thing, which makes it kind of hard when you are trying to talk to someone about a serious issue, they think that you are just trying to prank them or something. It was really annoying, but the guy running the thing didn't say anything, so I just kept my mouth shut and kept up with the calls. I go in again tonight (Tuesday Night) at 5:30. It's hard having a third shift schedule when you have things to do in the day, it makes the days run together. I am supposed to be napping right now, but I'm not so tired now that I am home. I was falling asleep in Cindy's car in the wal-mart parking lot, but now I'm wide awake, which sucks, because I have to be up at 1:00 to get ready to go to my councilors appointment today, which is at 1:30. After that I have to go to the bank and deposit the money to pay my loan payment, and so Chris can get my Christmas present.

I bought Chris a thank you for being a hard working husband present today. He's been wanting an electric razor for like EVER, since we've been together he's wanted one, and I got him one today!! It was only $25.00!!!!! All the ones I have ever seen have been like 40 or 50 dollars. I'm so happy about giving it to him, because I KNOW he is going to love it! I need pizza, I shall return.

Long Night Into Day

Well I guess you can always tell when I'm busy because I stop posting in my blog for awhile. I stayed up all night last night as usual and then I had to go to appointments and then return bottles. I thought when I got home I could finally go back to sleep and get some cuddle time with Chris, but no I had to call the financial aid office. I had to get my institutional Application turned from a dependent student to an independent student, so they FINALLY did that for me so I could finish the 2 hours of financial aid paperwork that I had left to do. I'm glad to have that all over with, now I just need to order books and programs, so hopefully I'll be doing that soon, because I'll be starting my classes on November 9th, so I'm excited to get my books, and everything, but I need to order them soon, because that's coming right up, so I'm a little nervous that I haven't gotten to at least order them. The reason, I think, that I haven't gotten to order them yet is because my Student Advisor thought that I was starting in March, so she was thinking that I have all this time and I don't, so if I get delayed because of her, I'm gonna be very upset. I've been looking forward to this for to long. LOL my kitten just jumped off the couch and smacked her head into the coffee table, I was worried at first, but then she just started in playing again so I guess she is ok. That was funny once I knew she was ok, these kittens, just get going and they don't always realize what is around them and they tend to run into things. I need to let the dog out and get something to eat, so I'll be back...........................................................

ok, so the hot pockets are in the microwave, yay what yummy food. I hate it that Chris isn't here, very often. Of course now that he is never here we don't fight hardly at all again because he isn't here long enough to talk about stuff, because I just want to cuddle with him, love him, and miss him. He wants to have his friends over on Thursday and I REALLY wish I could say no, but that would be very unfair, so I just told him that I don't want them to, but he can have them over if he wants to. I didn't do it in a guilt way, I was just being honest, so that he knew how I felt and he knew that he could make his own decision about it. I just want to have him all to myself every second that he is home, because he usually only has one day a week off, but he might have 2 this week because our anniversary is on Saturday, so he might get Thursday and Saturday off, we don't know yet. I can't wait until Saturday, I can just cuddle with him and spend time with him ALL SATURDAY!!! I'm excited as heck! Well I'm gonna watch the tube for a bit and relax, I'm feeling a little sick again. My head keeps being achy, and it just kinda drains the rest of my energy out of me. Later Y'all :P

How do I always have a new title?

I had no idea what to put for a title today so that's what you get. The enrollment paperwork is dying down for now, which I am thankful for. It's kinda confusing though, because I'm not sure where to go from here. I think I have to get in touch with financial aid and figure stuff out with them, so I'll get on it on Monday. I'm still really excited about all this. My depression is feeling neglected and trying to come visit though. It's been successful a couple of times, but I'm trying really hard to focus on all the great stuff going on right now. Chris and I are ok I guess. Once again as long as I don't mention any issues we get along fine. I really need to remember to ask my councilor on Tuesday if Chris can see the woman that works there, because he needs one. He's driving me nuts with some of the things that he thinks is normal behavior. He doesn't realize how childish he acts sometimes. Its getting insane. He always blames it on me to, no fail. It's hard for me to not give in and be a bitch, it's like well if I'm gonna get accused of it I might as well do it right? That is VERY wrong though and I need to make sure that I keep working really hard to not have that happen. I've ignored all the problems and we've had a good couple of days. I called him while I was at wal-mart and told him how much I missed him and wished I could just be with him. We hugged and laughed in bed for like a half hour, it was really nice. I just wish all our crap would go away. I wish we could start from the beginning and forget all the things that we have done to each other. I know that that is impossible, but I still wish that it could happen, I think if we could do that now things might be better. Chris continuously thinks that I am out to get him, or that I'm trying to hurt him in some way, when I'm just trying to make things better for us. I don't know, maybe I should just lay everything out and see how it goes. Maybe I am being to demanding and asking him to change to much, but there are some things that will just make me insane if he doesn't change them. Maybe there is an alternative that he might need to consider. Not for me, but for him. I want to be with him, I love him, but there is just some stuff that he does that drives me absolutely insane. He says he loves everything about me, but then he goes on about how horrible I am. I haven't said that I love everything about him, because well honestly I don't. There is some stuff that drives me nuts. Ya know it really must have been God at work when we got married, because I honestly can't remember him being like he is sometimes, back then. I don't regret marrying him, but I do regret doing it so soon, he agrees of course. There is a lot of stuff that we should have had worked out before we even seriously considered the possibility of going through with a marriage. I think our engagement was great, we wanted to marry each other and there is nothing wrong with that, but there were problems and issues that needed to be worked through and compromised and situated before marriage. Now there is a feeling of being trapped for both of us and that just adds to the stress and tension when we argue. Chris hasn't said anything about a trapped feeling to me, but I know he feels it. His newest thing is that all his points are invalid, which is bull, but I can't tell him that without invalidating his point, so there isn't much sense in arguing about it. Of course if he does go to counseling there is a worry that he wont be truthful with her. That he'll try to be something he's not so she wont think he is nuts or something, I don't know I just get that feeling. I would like to think that she will be trained enough to not fall for a ruse, but who knows, people are not exactly into giving 100% to their jobs now a days. Man was I born in the wrong time period. I wish I had been born like 20 years ago, so that when I complain about the way things are now, I don't sound so silly :p Well Chris will be home in an hour and I'm excited to see him, so I'm gonna go do something more distracting until then, so that time will fly by faster for me, so till next time.

College, College, and more College

*sigh* Well I have been up to my ears in applications, scholarships, grants, and financial aid paperwork for the last 3 days, but I'm to excited about going to school to care right now. I took 2 of the 5 final GED tests that I need to complete to recieve my diploma. Hhhmm, I like the word diploma it has a nice ring to it. I can't wait to see how well I do on my GED tests. I think I totally sucked at the first part of the math, but I did well on the second part, so I guess I'll have to wait and see how I did on those. I was thinking about maybe going in tonight to take the other 3 tests, but I have no idea when I'm going to sleep. That is kind of an important thing. Unfortunately I have been sleeping at night lately, so I'm worried about what will happen when Chris has a night off and I can spend some time with him. I only hope that I am able to stay awake for him. I miss spending good quality time with him. All we have had for time for the last couple of days is a couple minutes here and there, so it's nice that we got to spend some time together this morning. My admissions rep just told me that my student advisor will be calling me today, so I may just go finish my testing today. I figure if I'm not getting any sleep any way why the heck not. I'm just excited about getting it all done and started, I've been wanting to get my GED done for years now I just never had the proper drive before. This is all so great, I'm truely happy about something for once! Chris says he is happy for me and I believe it, but I think he is bitter about not going to school first. Honestly I think this is God's plan, this is how it's suppose to be workig out. There have been numerous signs to tell me that that is true. Oh well I guess I'll just go with the flow and hope he isn't secretly mad about it or anything, I mean he is the one that pushed me to go ahead and do this now. Not that I didn't want to because believe me I did, and obviously do very much want to do this.

College

I've just been accepted into Westwood College Online! I'm so excited, I'll be paying my admissions fee and getting starting with applying for financial aid today! I'll also be finding out where I can go to get my 50 hours of community service done, so I won't have to worry about that crap any more. I'm hoping to volunteer at the Maine Wont Descrimiate place, so that way I'll be volunteering for a cause and not just to get the work done ya know? I'm very pleased with the direction that my life is taking currently. I've wanted to go to college for ever and to be able to go to college for this is absolutely fantastic! Incase some of you don't know I'm going for Web Design and Macromedia. :D yayness! ok well I have SO much to do today, I'll try to get back on later.

Cheryl

I had been meaning to make a post yesterday, but my wonderful friend Cheryl had sent me a package with LOTS of great goodies. She sent me 2 games that I have been wanting for like EVER! I got The Sims 2 and Zoo Tycoon 2! I've been totally addicted to the sims 2 for the past two days hence my lack of posting. I did the tutorial of Zoo Tycoon 2 and it looks SO cool. I installed Sims 2 and then played a little bit and kinda forgot all about zoo tycoon lol. I'll play it soon, I'm just to enthralled with the Sims.

Cheryl also sent me some awesome programs for design and such. I'm having my fun for the weekend and then when Chris goes back to work I'm going to install the programs and start learning all the funness that I'm certain they will provide. Funness of a different nature than the Sims of course, funness of a learning nature. Wow I'm silly :p.

So after getting the slip in th mail for Cheryl's package Tuesday, I got another slip for my Figis order on Wednesday like 3 hours after getting home from picking up the other package, so that was pretty annoying, but oh well two packages in two days how cool is that? Especially for someone who loves getting mail :p. So I went to get my Figis order today and my SUPER duper yummy belgian chocolates were in it! OOOOHhHHH they are so good. For those of you who don't know they are the seashell shaped chocolates with the white and milk chocolate swirled outside and a hazelnut praline filling. TO DIE FOR! I'm limiting myself to 2 a day or else I'll eat them all at once :p.

So incase it wasn't rather noticable I'm pretty happy today, I've been happy since I got my package. :p THANK YOU SO MUCH CHERYL!!!!!! She is such a great friend, shes been through so much with me, it's cool that we have never met yet we're such great friends. I really hope I can afford to visit her sometime in the next year or two that would be so awesome! I would totally love to go to Malaysia! I'm hoping to hop a ride to walmart with Cin today and hopefully bum 5 bucks for soda because I don't have anything to drink and that sucks, I really hate water. I was drinking kool-aid, but can you believe I ran out of sugar!! I can't drink anything else I have here without sugar. No Kool-Aid, no coffee, NOTHING! I know, I know poor you right? I'm just to spoiled, I'd like to take this opertunity to blame my mommy, Cinny, Grammy, and Chris :p. My wonderful, wonderful family! I love them so much, and now Kat is included in that too :D.

The time to sell my babies is drawing very near :( I'll miss them, I've gotten way to attached to all of them. They are just so sweet and loving. There is one little girl I call her mini trini twin because there is a boy that looks just like her and they both look like Trinity, she is SO sweet she climbs up in my lap and cuddles with me and meows at me and sleeps on me :) TOO cute!

Well I'm gonna go, but I urge you to take a look at the link labeled My Pics to the right of this post. It has pics from Cin and Kat's wedding and some new pics of the kitties and one of the doggie lol. 9 kitty pics 1 doggy pic :p Gee who do you think is more my favorites? Later.

Favorites

Here are a few of my favorite things...

1) Shampoo and Conditioner - Physique
2) Soap - Candy Apple by Bath and Body Works
3) Colors - Black, Purple, and Silver
4) Soda - Pepsi
5) Foods - Pickles, Green Olives, Buffalo Chicken, and PIZZA!
6) Movie - So hard to pick one, but Super Troopers
7) Band - KoRn
8) Disney Character - Cheshire Cat
9) Actor - Johnny Depp
10) Actress - Sarah Michelle Gellar
11) Video Games - Anything Mario, Fable
12) Computer Games - Alice, Sims, Dungeon Keeper, Diablo, and War Craft
13) Store - Wal-Mart
14) Alcohol - Frangelico
15) Number - 3
16) Car - 1967 Pontiac GTO
17) Book - Anything Dean Koontz
18) T.V. Show - Buffy The Vampire Slayer
19) Website - Neopets
20) Condiment - Mustard
21) Fruit - Strawberries
22) Vegetable - Corn
23) Restaurant - The Olive Garden
24) Blogger - A Gershwin Line
25) Place - My rock in Monmouth, the most beautiful place in all the world.

I'm tagging Kat, Chris, and Jeremiah to do this!

Betrayal

When do you know someone? After 8 years of friendship you'd think you might, but apparently not. My friend is playing two girls at the same time. He continuously says he loves one of them, but how can he when on the other hand he has broken up a marriage with the other one. The sacred unity of marriage means nothing to this guy. Chris doesn't want me hanging out with him any more because he can't be trusted and I completely understand. It's not like he wanted to hang out with me any more anyway. This always seems to happen, I just can't have any friends damnit. I'm not upset tonight though, I'm just very disappointed in my friend, I had thought that he was a better man than that, but I guess not.

I may complain and argue about and with Chris, but the bottom line is that I am his wife and I love him an impossibly large amount, so there is no man that could come between that, or woman for that matter, on his behalf. Chris and I have our problems, but who doesn't? We were pressured into marriage, but an ungodly pastor, who may have been trying to do what was right, but failed miserably. I'm glad to be with Chris though, things get hard and sometimes I want to leave, but I never will, I have a tendency, that I am quickly defeating, to quit when shit gets really hard. It's more of a want then a tendency since I don't really ever quit things. Chris and I have been talking a lot and working through things, but the more we talk, the more I see how vastly different we are on important issues. This hurts, and scares me. Can we go through life together and happy at the same time?? I just don't know. I want things to work out and be ok, I know I wont leave, but if we continue to disagree will he leave me? Who knows. I've promised and he promised that no matter what we go through, we'll do it together. I've become so weak to him lately and it kills me to do that, but at the same time it helps. He has finally admitted that he is selfish, that took forever to get out. I see a bad path for us, I only hope and pray that I am wrong.