Changes

Okay, after long talks and a few disputes, things are a bit better between Chris and me. It kind of makes me thankful that are married and I can’t leave because I probably would have and regretted it later. Things always seem worse when they are in the middle of the badness. This is something that would be beneficial to remember. I have no idea why I always seem to forget it. I suppose to all things comparatively I’m happy and I don’t have much else that I really could want for in my life. There is, of course, things that I don’t want, but I guess I have to deal with them and suck it up.

On another note we picked up our big layaway and things are finally starting to come back together in our apartment. It was a total disaster area until we cleaned everything up today. All the dishes are finally done and the floors swept, mopped, and vacuumed. It’s nice to sit back and enjoyed a nice clean house. It is a bit cluttered though with the new desk Chris got and the entertainment center side by side in the living room.

School is going well and I should hear about the tutor position soon, hopefully this week. My student advisor told me that I am a good student and she didn’t see why I wouldn’t get the position, so that was awesome to hear. My scores are still really high; I have nothing below a 98, so yay for keeping up with my 4.0. Things are hard this term though; there is so much to get done and so little time to do it all. I don’t think people really understand how hard it is unless they are going through college too. It’s not that the content it difficult it’s the amount of time that I have to spend on each one of these things.

I’m still depressed and have a hard time dealing with the lot that I have been let in life, but I’m certainly coping better. I’m not having the super huge downs that I was having before. Chris has been a little bit better at understanding how hard things are for me right now and that helps. Stress has been consuming me lately, but I think I’m moving past it and getting better with things. The pressure has been hard on me, but I try to deal with it and not break down. I think I broke down before honestly, I think that is what happened to me. It’s happened a couple of times before, but I’ve had to pick myself up and I hadn’t really had anyone else involved to worry about. I don’t know, as usually. I’m just here and I guess I gotta learn to deal with it. Things are very different than what I’m used to and that makes it harder of course. I guess I’ll be dealing and fill you in on the progress later :)

When Bad Goes to Worse and Then to Worst

Here I am sitting here once again wondering where I should start. Things have fallen apart I have no idea where my life has gone. I know it's gone and that is about it. I also know that it's painful, the loss of your life that is. I can't image what actually dieing feels like; I'm thinking that it would hurt less though. Well it would hurt less for some anyway; physical pain hurts a lot less than emotional pain does for me. I know one thing that people do have though, they have words. Lots and lots of seemingly comforting words. Well apparently they don't know that those words don't mean a fucking thing as long as they continue to be just that. Hollow promises and empty speeches. I've lost my life. The saddest part about it is that I doubt I will ever get it back. No I’m pretty sure it’s gone. I have no use, I’m just an empty shell there is nothing inside me except pain. I miss who I used to be, I was so happy, I had so much fun. I have a fun mask and a happy mask, but those are all I know of the feelings now. All the things that made me happy are gone. I’m waiting for the storm to really break and for the hurricane clouds to clear and reveal the real extent of the tragedy. Soon I will find that the whole place is cleared out, nothing left standing only shards of what they once was. Emptiness. This is a feeling that I have come quite accustomed to being. Not just feeling but being. I am empty; there is nothing of me left. One might say that now I need to rebuild and start new, well I’m not so sure that I have the energy to do that. I’m so tired, so very, very tired. My legs are about to leg go from underneath me and my heart is ready to stop beating. Again I ask the question what do you do when you have no world? I’m lost, without any answers, without any help. There have been many times that I have come to the conclusion that I’m supposed to be alone and now more than ever I know this is true. I have a decision, but I currently believe that I am incapable of making a decision. I just want to be loved; I want to be loved for me. That sounds easy, but no one knows who I am? How can they when I don’t even know who I am? I used to know, I used to be quite well acquainted with me, but not now.
I’ve come to notice that all people do is prove me right. I’m not anything worth while, I’m pretty useless. I can’t be a good friend, I can’t be a good wife, and I can’t be a good person. What does this make me? Well no good for one. I’m not really sure what else all that entails. I don’t want any more empty words, and I don’t want any more empty promises. I’m tired of getting made fun of and I’m tired of being laughed at. “Oh but that isn’t what is happening.” Bullshit. I’m told this all the time, but the laughter never stops does it? Actions. I see them and they don’t sustain your words. I’m left out of this life. I’m like a drifting spirit except I have solid form.
I know what you are all thinking about me. “Wow she is so crazy.” Crazy? Well let me tell you folks this is just the beginning. The beginning of the madness and the beginning of the sadness. “Don’t be so negative.” Why? If it always hurts then what incentive do I really have to be positive? “Well you’ll feel better.” Will I? I’ve done the positive thing and you know what happened? I fell farther and I fell harder than I had before when I expected to be hurt. Everything is temporary and everything is relative. There are no definites, there are no promises. Every promise is broken and ever definite is proven wrong. “I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” Apparently this is my specialty; I believe that Hurt may very well have been written for me. No, that couldn’t even be possible. “You could have it all, my empire of dirt.” You see there. That proves it couldn’t have been written for me, I don’t have anything, even an empire of dirt. Not even a piece of dirt. I don’t belong here; I don’t want to be here. Here I am. Regardless. Welcome to my life, my life of pain, hurt, regret, lies, and loneliness.
I feel that these lyrics are appropriate and meaningful:

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch – Goodbye To You