When Bad Goes to Worse and Then to Worst

Here I am sitting here once again wondering where I should start. Things have fallen apart I have no idea where my life has gone. I know it's gone and that is about it. I also know that it's painful, the loss of your life that is. I can't image what actually dieing feels like; I'm thinking that it would hurt less though. Well it would hurt less for some anyway; physical pain hurts a lot less than emotional pain does for me. I know one thing that people do have though, they have words. Lots and lots of seemingly comforting words. Well apparently they don't know that those words don't mean a fucking thing as long as they continue to be just that. Hollow promises and empty speeches. I've lost my life. The saddest part about it is that I doubt I will ever get it back. No I’m pretty sure it’s gone. I have no use, I’m just an empty shell there is nothing inside me except pain. I miss who I used to be, I was so happy, I had so much fun. I have a fun mask and a happy mask, but those are all I know of the feelings now. All the things that made me happy are gone. I’m waiting for the storm to really break and for the hurricane clouds to clear and reveal the real extent of the tragedy. Soon I will find that the whole place is cleared out, nothing left standing only shards of what they once was. Emptiness. This is a feeling that I have come quite accustomed to being. Not just feeling but being. I am empty; there is nothing of me left. One might say that now I need to rebuild and start new, well I’m not so sure that I have the energy to do that. I’m so tired, so very, very tired. My legs are about to leg go from underneath me and my heart is ready to stop beating. Again I ask the question what do you do when you have no world? I’m lost, without any answers, without any help. There have been many times that I have come to the conclusion that I’m supposed to be alone and now more than ever I know this is true. I have a decision, but I currently believe that I am incapable of making a decision. I just want to be loved; I want to be loved for me. That sounds easy, but no one knows who I am? How can they when I don’t even know who I am? I used to know, I used to be quite well acquainted with me, but not now.
I’ve come to notice that all people do is prove me right. I’m not anything worth while, I’m pretty useless. I can’t be a good friend, I can’t be a good wife, and I can’t be a good person. What does this make me? Well no good for one. I’m not really sure what else all that entails. I don’t want any more empty words, and I don’t want any more empty promises. I’m tired of getting made fun of and I’m tired of being laughed at. “Oh but that isn’t what is happening.” Bullshit. I’m told this all the time, but the laughter never stops does it? Actions. I see them and they don’t sustain your words. I’m left out of this life. I’m like a drifting spirit except I have solid form.
I know what you are all thinking about me. “Wow she is so crazy.” Crazy? Well let me tell you folks this is just the beginning. The beginning of the madness and the beginning of the sadness. “Don’t be so negative.” Why? If it always hurts then what incentive do I really have to be positive? “Well you’ll feel better.” Will I? I’ve done the positive thing and you know what happened? I fell farther and I fell harder than I had before when I expected to be hurt. Everything is temporary and everything is relative. There are no definites, there are no promises. Every promise is broken and ever definite is proven wrong. “I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” Apparently this is my specialty; I believe that Hurt may very well have been written for me. No, that couldn’t even be possible. “You could have it all, my empire of dirt.” You see there. That proves it couldn’t have been written for me, I don’t have anything, even an empire of dirt. Not even a piece of dirt. I don’t belong here; I don’t want to be here. Here I am. Regardless. Welcome to my life, my life of pain, hurt, regret, lies, and loneliness.
I feel that these lyrics are appropriate and meaningful:

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch – Goodbye To You