Floppy

Well tonight is better than yesterday, I think it has something to do with the fact that this is Chris's last night on and now we'll have our last three days together before he starts his other job. I've also totally almost finished the dishes! I have like one load left and then all I have to do is keep up, which is SO much better than trying to catch up. Now I have laundry to catch up on, because I found a bag of sheets and stuff that smelled kinda musty, so I have two baskets from that, plus the normal laundry, so I've been at that all night. I'm focusing on finishing Cin and Kat's laundry now, cause they need some clothes. I hope they can bring over more today or sometime soon *hint* *hint* Kat :p.

I have like this weird obsession with getting things done ahead of time, like I don't go grocery shopping until the 11th and I'm making the list now. I also don't get paid until the 6th, but I have the bills figured out and everything now. I think I'm just paranoid and that's what does it. I need to go to the post office this morning, but I hate going there. This is gonna sound silly, but I don't like going there unless there is mail for me. I love mail, I'm like super obsessed with mail too. When we were up during the day, I used to check the mail like 5 times before the mail actually got here, because I was so anxious for it. That's one of the reasons I love E-Bay so much. I can get cheap stuff and it comes in the mail! How great is that! Ok now I'm just being crazy. Hhmm, not to much else to say this morning, I'm just to excited about Chris coming home :) bye bye.

Strange Day

Weird day today, well yesterday for all you day walkers. It's continuing tonight. I feel like my life is going to fall apart, there is a constant feeling of impending doom. I'm not sure what to do about this, I want it to stop I want all these shit feelings to stop. I'm not the same person any more. Not really sure who I've become, but I'm sure I don't like it. Chris was telling me this morning that I need to have more friends, and he said that it seems that if it takes effort I won't be their friend...well the thing is, I will only put effort forward for so long with no reciprocation. It seems like no one wants to be friends with me, I'm not sure why, I guess the lives they already have are more important than having a new friend. I'm so lost, I'm so sad, I'm nearing the end of my sanity. I can't take it with grace any more. I fumble and fall and cry and hurt. I feel like I have nothing, I feel completely empty. I need...something. There is something that I am surely missing. Am I finally losing it all and going crazy? What is that going to do to my family? I can't do that to them, I have to stay strong and hold it together. I really don't know how much longer I can. Oh it hurts so much. I've never felt like this before. I just want to leave everyone, stop hurting them with my pain...wait, am I distancing myself from people without realizing it? I haven't told my mom anything about my life in awhile...I can't stop feeling like a burden, and I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck right here and everytime I struggle the walls close in just a little more. I need Chris, but he needs his own time and he needs his own things. No one should have to deal with me, or my feelings. I just want to leave, and stop hurting people and hurt on my own. I just want to help people I love, not bother them with my issues and my crap. I miss Erik so very very much. I miss the person he used to be more than the mean alcoholic he was when he left. My councilor wants me to think more about me, but then I feel guilty and I want to just focus on someone else and help them. It seems like when I try to focus on something for me with Chris I am just being selfish. I can't keep from crying, no matter what I do. I've gone so long without it, it just seems to be inevitable now. I don't want to spend my nights alone any more. I spend four days a week except the few hours Chris and I have in the morning, completely alone. I mean I have people to chat to, but that just isn't the same. I'm just so exhausted of all this. It seems like every time something goes a little right, something else breaks. I think part of why I get so upset about Chris related issues is because I need him SO VERY much and I don't want to. I've been taught that you can't always rely on anyone, so for me to put all this trust and need into Chris is tearing me apart, I need to lean on him and rest on him and I just don't think I can. He isn't stable either, so who am I to put my shit on him. I know that isn't right, but I need someone to take care of me, I'm broken and I can't fix myself any more. I need some one else to help me right now. I just can't do it alone any more. I don't even know if I'm making sense at all right now. I need to be held, so I can just cry and cry and cry, but the only time I can seem to cry is when I am alone and that makes me despair even more, and hurt, and be sad. All these great things have happened and it seems like they don't matter to me, but I am SOO thankful for them. Like Cin and Kat's wedding was beautiful and great and I had a great time that day, but then I was right back in my hole. A while back Kat, Chris, and I went for a walk over to Auburn and we just walked around for hours. That was GREAT! I've never had a better time with Kat and it was so awesome, but then, my hole called and I jumped back in. I don't want to be in here any more, I want it to stop, but how. How, how, how, how, how? I don't know...I just don't know. I know that I really need Chris and I don't know if I can depend on him. I don't know if he is capable of being what I need right now. I don't know if I can be as weak as I need to be to him. I haven't been so weak to anyone. I don't want to risk getting hurt more. I hate taking risks, I like solid, sure things. 2 and a half hours and Chris will be home. Will I still be able to cry then? Will I be able to open up to him as I should? Who knows. I guess we'll just have to see.

I love this blog. It is very therapeutic. I can just type how I feel and then read it later to see if there are any clues in my ramblings as to how I can fix these overwhelming problems. I hate medications, but I think I may need one. Is my problem chemical? Mental? Emotional? Logical? Physical? Time will tell I suppose.

The great Lord says not to love money...I can't love it if I don't have it, but I know it would sure as hell help right now. Chris has started a second job...and all I can do to say thank you is sit here and cry instead of doing the dishes or the laundry or cleaning or doing MY shit that I am supposed to do.

I was supposed to take my first GED test last Friday, but I was sick, so I AM going this Friday...I even need Chris for that. I need him to go with me. To walk me there, so I can be less paranoid and terrified of the world around me. I wish there was no reason to be scared of the people around me, but mostly they are bad. Mean and hurtful people who like to stab and shoot people because they upset them or because of greed, or just straight up malice.

I'm to confused and tired(emotionally) to write more. So till I write again, bye bye...

Playlist -
Pearl Jam - Black (acoustic)
Creed - One Last Breath
The Flys - Got You Where I Want You
Creed - Lullaby
Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Sneaker Pimps - Flowers and Silence
Sneaker Pimps - Empathy

Johnny

Today was the first day, I think ever that I went looking for a pic of Johnny Depp. I thought for a creative way to show some of my interests on my MySpace blog, I'd post pictures instead of just writing them. So naturally as THE best actor ever I had to add Johnny Depp, so I had a VERY difficult time trying to find my favorite and I ended up with three, so that isn't so bad. I really like black and white photos of him, he just has that natural beauty that makes them perfect. So I liked this one, but it isn't the one I picked for MySpace. I worked a lot on that blog last night, even though I will never post there. I post the link to this blog lol, I mostly use it for a profile, because it has a lot of cool options. Well I don't feel much like typing this morning so bye bye all.

I Came Back!

Imagine that I'm actually back tonight like I said I would be. I got a load of dishes done, the litterbox cleaned, the trash changed, and the laundry started. It still looks like I have a million dishes to do. I hate dishes, one of the things that I really want in my house is a dish washer. Course at this point I'd just be happy with a house, but oh well, it'll happen some day. I NEED to take my pre test for my GED this week, I was supposed to go on Friday, but I felt like poop, and I had to walk so, I skipped out on it. I hate feeling sick, knowing me I may have done it to myself, but I felt sick until like 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Who knows, I am crazy...

Well there is something that I wanted to share, that I'm pretty proud of. I was laying down to go to sleep the other night and all I could think about was this letter that I want to write to my grandfather, so when I grabbed my journal and started writing it all came to me and I am very pleased with the final product, so this is what I'll be writing in a Christmas card for my grampa. Here goes...

Grampa -
Of all the people that helped to raise me you taught me some of the most positive traights I have. I wanted you to know that you have been a mentor and an idol for all of my life. You've taught me to be brave, courageous, truthful, loyal, trustworthy, hard working, strong, caring, understanding, and confident. I want to thank you so very much for all these wonderful things that you have instilled in me. My dad may not have wanted to be in my life, but I never needed him. You've been the absolute best father that I could have ever wanted. Thank you for enabling me to do whatever I want in my life. Thank you for believing in me and being the dad that I never would have had. All the favorite memories of my life have you in them, our fun days camping with all your great stories, riding with you on the tractor, pretending to work on the porch addition to the house with you, and even my wedding. You've done so much for me and you're far over due for a whole bunch of thank you's. For all your love and help I am forever grateful. So thank you and I love you Grampa.

So...that's it, I really like it, it says everything that is really hard to say in person, plus my grampa is an old fashioned kinda guy, and it would make him really uncomfortable if I said all this to him, so this card is a great way to let him know how I feel. Well I got more chores and I want to take a quick nap, so later.

Hotel Pics from 10/04

Finally this is the bed that was SOOO comfy, we hadn't had as good a nights sleep before or since then. Over all we had a great time and totally loved being with each other. Got drunk and ate buffalo wings and french fries. It was wonderful. Course this was all a year ago, but I never put up pics, so I figured I would do it now lol.

This is looking straight on to the room from the entry way, it's the livingroomish area of it lol. To the left is the kitchen and to the right is the bed. The tv was so small, but we watched some movies on it, the only movie I can remember watching that night was the Witches of Eastwick, such a good movie!

This is the kitchen after we cleaned it all up, if you stand in the entry way and look into the room this is looking to the left. Chris as you will notice had to be in all the pictures, except 2 of them.

This is the kitchen after our fun night, we hadn't cleaned it up yet :p. All the bottles all around are beer and wine, besides the one can of Pepsi lol.

This is the bathroom, very small, but cute and homey, I was a little dissapointed in the lack of a large bathtub, but oh well.

This is the entry way to our room. The door that Chris is coming out of is the bathroom and the door to the left is a closet.

The Weekend

Well this was a very fun and interesting weekend for me. We went Christmas shopping on Thursday which started out great. Chris and I left our house at like 9:30 and spent like 20 minutes shopping with my mom at Big Lots which was nice, I miss my mommy all to often. Then I left my Big Lots bag with them to drop off at my house because I got far to much for me and Chris to carry around all day. That was so nice that they did that for us. So after we left Big Lots I said my goodbyes to my mom and grammy and we headed into Craft Mania where we bought some stickers for a present and a guide book that will hopefully teach me to crochet better because right now...I suck at it. Then we headed over to Shaws where I got my first french vanilla dunkachino of the day :9 oh so yummy. We also got a good sized bottle of vodka for more entertainment when we got home. After that we went across the way to the mall and went to Spencers where we got Cindy some Christmas presents and me a awesome new batman shirt. I was so happy this entire time it was all so great and fun. Chris and I were getting along great and really enjoying being around each other. We then went to Walden Books and got my grampa's Christmas present and I got the Kurt Cobain Journal for Chris. He loved it. We got a bite to eat from McDonalds when we first showed up, but I forgot to mention it, and after we ate we went over to EB and got some new video games using some other games as trade-ins. After the bookstore we went into Claire's for a bit where I got some cool new hair sticks and a super grippy hair clip, which I just happen to be wearing right now. Another thing that I did this weekend was dye all but the bangs of my hair black :D I'm SOOOO happy, I missed having black hair so much. Ok, so back to our day out...We finished up in the mall and went outside for a butt and I called my mom, but she wasn't home, so I talked to my grammy about what we had been doing and what we bought for grampa. We sat there for a bit longer and then headed over to wal-mart where we walked around for 3 hours and got all our Christmas shopping done, plus Chris got me the second Inuyasha movie as an early Christmas present. I know it's only September, but I stress out about other stuff enough as it is, so I like to get that done really early. So this is where I got my last and also super yummy Dunkachino of the day. When we got to wal-mart is when I started to fall into sadness. Which totally sucks, because I like being up in my happiness, but NO the damn sadness had to come anyway. So I was a bit pouty for the rest of the time we were out. When we headed out from wal-mart our next destination was to be the Movie Gallery to rent some movies, and Cindy called and asked if we needed a ride, we said no, but she was going to wal-mart and the Movie Gallery herself, so I GLADLY accepted the ride as our feet were really starting to ache, I believe this was around like 7:00PM, so we had been out for like 10 hours doing nothing but walking. I was working on getting happy again and then as we were walking into the parking lot at Movie Gallery there was a light blue Pontiac....and the license plate was right...It was Erik. I was absolutely crushed, I wanted to say hi to him so badly, I wanted to go over and have everything be like normal, but I just hung my head and kept walking. Chris was trying to keep talking to me and distract me from it, but I was already to deep into my sad enclosing thoughts. I could hear Chris, but I wasn't always sure of what he was saying. We went into the movie store and I tried so hard to just focus on the movies and try to find one that I wanted to get. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in the way of distracting myself, but I think I did a pretty good job. Anyway, we got The Eye 2 which was a foreign film and it was pretty good actually, I was very pleasantly surprised. We also got Ginger Snaps Back, which I guess was a prequel to Ginger Snaps that I have never seen, and it was a good movie, but when I asked Chris what the other one was like he described the one we had just seen lol. So I'm in no rush to see the other one. We also bought some movies, because they were having the buy 2 get 2 thingy and that is the best time to get movies. I got The Grudge, which I still haven't mustered the courage to watch again yet. Freddy Vs. Jason, which finishes my Freddy collection and we watched it this morning, and we got Matrix: Revolutions, which was the last one we needed and the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

When we got home we talked SOOOO much and worked out A LOT of stuff, so things are going really well right now. He has recognized his issue with being to defensive and I'm gonna try to be kinder when I bring things up, so he doesn't get so defensive. Plus lots more that I don't feel like writing lol. I know last time I blogged I promised pics of the hotel we stayed in on our honeymoon, but I never delivered, so I'll be putting them up now, soon after I am done with this :).

Yesterday we played games and watched a movie and then went out to PJ's where Kat had her first drag performance, and after Cin said a couple of beers she ended up getting us 4. It was a really fun time, I can't believe I discoed for all of like 30 seconds, it was crazy.

All in all it was a really good weekend and I hope I can have more like it. It was really great to see Cin and Kat again after their honeymoon, that they had a blast on. Someday Chris and I will take a good second honeymoon and I'll write all about it. For now, I'm done and I have SOOOO much work to do, I may be on later tonight to write more, but it seems everytime I say that I never do...I guess we'll see.

Ditched

Well I was hoping to go out and do something different tonight, but I was ditched. I feel so worthless. It seems like no one wants me around any more. I never get invited anywhere and I don't feel right asking anyone to go some where with them. I hate inviting myself, I feel so rude and intrusive when I do. I feel very worthless and unimportant. Chris's attitude towards me lately has been encouraging these feelings. When I try to talk to him he just gets upset and defensive, so it doesn't even matter what I say to him. He tells me that he is sick of me telling him he is wrong, but he doesn't listen when he gets all defensive and upset, he just thinks that I'm trying to attack him. I don't tell him he is wrong, he just starts telling me how wrong I'm being and that he isn't doing anything. It just really hurts me when he gets so accusatory towards me. I'm not saying that I'm just an innocent in all this, I can be antagonizing and bitchy, I know that, but I try to start out calm and cool most of the time, but he feels that I am attacking him and then he just flys off the handle, not necessarily in an angry way, but in thinking that I'm attacking him. Hmm, I have some chores that are calling my name, so I'll be back in a bit.

Yucky Floors / Wedding Bliss

Ok, so I just swept and mopped the floors in the laundry room and the kitchen and it was SOOOOOO gross. I haven't mopped the floor in the laundry room for like ever and it was very apparent when I was finished. I also need to finish the dishes tonight. Ack. It is so hard to keep up with everything when you have a messy husband, 4 cats, 5 kittens, and a horribly stupid dog that LOVES to get into the damn cat box. I need to move out the washer and dryer and clean in behind there. Who knows what strange and unusual things have started growing and living back there. I wish they made disposable pots and pans lol, and I also wish that trash was good for the environment, so I could use paper and plastic everything lol. It seems like the dishes just keep going and going. Hhhmm very similar to the energizer bunny it would appear. Tonight is one of those weird back and forth nights. It goes by slow for awhile and then it goes by fast for awhile. I just want it to be Thursday, so I can pay some bills and feel relaxed for a little while. My dog is annoying. I think the next trick I teach him is how to pick up his own damn toys. I just picked them all up and put them in his room and he has brought half of them back out already. It's bad enough Chris wont let me shave off all his fur so my vacuum cleaner can survive. The stupid mutt has to put his nasty slimy toys all over the place. I love cats. They are so much better than stinky dogs. When I get my pictures developed I'll post some super cute pics of my kitties. I got some good ones of my kittens. I called the vet today to find out how much it would be to get all 5 kittens their shots and she asked me if I was keeping them all :o. I was like uh, no. Who would keep an entire litter of kittens? No idea on that one.

On a complete different subject that is not gross and annoying; My aunt got married on the 17th. She was telling me that she was nervous and stuff and I kept telling her that it would be perfect and she didn't listen, but ha ha I was right. My mommy made the cake and it was GORGEOUS. Very perfect, along with the cake topper that one of my aunt-in-laws friends made. It looked great and tasted yummy too. Lots of people came and it was all so wonderful. Cindy and Kat glowed the whole time, they were so happy it was great. Now they are enjoying their wedding money and having a great honeymoon. I'm so very happy for them, but it's still kinda depressing to hear about all the wonderful things that they are doing. I only hope that Chris and I can afford to go on a second honeymoon sometime as our first one pretty much sucked. It was a gift and I was very grateful for it, but it wasn't what I had dreamed about. I of course had a wonderful dream of stay in a really nice hotel and being pampered and seeing the sites and eating the delicious foods that some different restaurants had to offer, but instead I stayed in a kinda crappy hotel and got drunk. Although I did have some super yummy buffalo wings from Buffalo Wings N Things. I'll post some pics of the room after this. Anyway I've begun to ramble. Perhaps I'll be back later.

Back

I have SO much to say today, I might not even finish until tonight :p. Once again I wonder where to start. Ah yes I know, let's start with the good news. I'll be officially gaining an Aunt-in-law on Saturday! Cinny and Kat are going to be having their ceremony and I'm so excited! For Cindy to finally be truly happy makes me glow. I love Kat and I know she is great for Cin. I just can't wait, of course my anxiety is acting up a bit because I want everything to be absolutely perfect for her and I'm worried that one person will screw things up. I'm very hopeful though and I have faith that it will all go great!

My next topic is my issues. I went to my councilor yesterday and he actually said that he's surprised that I'm not more angry with all the stress and crap that I have going on. That was a little strange, but understandable. I'm not really sure what to do with that though. I mean obviously I'm not going to be more angry or anything, I try to stay away from being mad as much as possible. It's just puzzling. He also gave me his pager number if I had a super bad issue that I couldn't work though, that was a nice gesture, but I deal and I live on. It's nice to know that he is willing to put some of his own personal time into my well being, however it's a little creepy too. I've had numerous amounts of councilors and none of them have ever done that. I don't know. I wish I had more friends though, I'm trying to look at different web sites and find some places around Lewiston that I could go to and try to make some new friends, but a lot of people around here are very stupid and they are into drugs and all that and I don't need to be around people like that, but I'm hopeful that I will find a nice good natured person.

Another thing that is really hurting me still is Erik. I really miss him very much. I dream about him a lot. Not like sexual or anything like that, but I dream about him and I going camping and going to the store and stuff like that. Dreams that make it seem like he is still around and that makes it even harder that he is gone. I really wish I could just call him and everything would be ok and we could just be friends again, but I know that just wont happen. It's yet another thing that is out of my hands.

Our new found horrible problem is pretty bad and SO very stressful. wal-Mart has cut Chris down to part time, which means that he is only going to be scheduled for 30 hours a week. That is a 20 hour loss for us :(. I'm supposed to be going to college soon, but I'm thinking that it is not going to happen now. I have to get a job and I just don't think I can work part time and go to college and keep this house clean. I'm so frustrated and stressed out. I wish there was more that I could do, but it seems hopeless and inevitable that we are going to fail. Chris wants a car, but there is just no way that that can happen right now. Especially now. I don't know what we're gonna do, but I hope something will come up for us. I really hope so. I have a phone call that I can make, but it's a last resort thing. I think it may have to happen though. I'll wait another week and see how things go. Well I've depressed myself enough for one day, so I'm gonna go mope for a bit and then do some dishes. Later.

Prediction

I knew it would happen. I was hoping that I was wrong and that this was it and I could be happy now. As always it started creeping in like a dark, foggy mist at first, and then the mist thickened into black, wafting clouds. Steadily surrounding me and drowning me like a dark swirling ocean. I try so hard to swim to the top and get out, but the clouds crash down on me and keep me below, in the dark. I feel it in my stomach first, then it moves to my head and starts it's radical take over. I hate this, I hate it so much. How can I stop it? I just want to scream and cry and forget all this pain. I feel so helpless and pathetic, and yet I have to keep the facade going, I have to. I have to do it for the sake of everyone else. I feel like I'm being eating up from the inside out. It feels like a horrible self destruction that I can't stop. I go to counseling, I know all the answers to emotion issues as a general, and yet even KNOWING all these answers things just won't change. I try so hard it exhausts me. I've lost my place for the time, so I'll be back tonight.

Not So Bad

I had a surprisingly phenomenal weekend with Chris, we rented some movies and some games. The Ring 2, Blade Trinity, Fatal Frame 2, and Inuyasha: Feudal Combat.

The Ring 2 had only one scary scene, same as the first one. At least with The Grudge I was scared for most of the movie. I mean come one, I watch and wait for something good, and then when it comes I'm so let down because it took so darn long. So, anyway, didn't like this movie much.

Blade Trinity was wicked awesome! Tons of great action with a super catchy plot. I was interested the whole time, which is rare for me. I tend to find my mind wandering during lots of movies, but this one was great! I highly recommend it.

Fatal Frame 2 is this totally cool game, where you use a camera as your only weapon. I know it sounds dumb right, well you are poorly mistaken my friend, it was so awesome, and it had quite a few scary parts. I was very impressed as a whole, the graphics, plot, enemies, battle, and sounds were all nicely put together for this game. If you have a chance to play this game you totally should, but be prepared for a bit of a scare!

InuYasha: Feudal Combat was some what disappointing. I mean it is InuYasha, so how bad can it be? I like it, it's fun, but the graphics are done with cell shading and I don't really like that, it seems very PS1ish. At any rate it's a fighting game and it seems pretty simple to unlock everything and I think play would get boring very soon after unlocking everything.

So there are the reviews for what I have watched and played this weekend. It was really great, I cooked all weekend and Chris got the dishes done for me which was SO cool of him. We had deviled eggs twice, those are SO yummy, I can feel my heart coughing and hacking on all the cholesterol though :p. We just had a great weekend talking and enjoying each others company. We had some break throughs with some issues and that was really great. I feel a lot better now that a few more things are being worked on and decisions have been made together, which in my opinion is always the best for everyone involved. I spent a bit of time sitting on the stairs of St. Peter and Paul, which is so beautiful, it helps to clear my head, so I can think clearly and talk with Jesus. My head needed some clearing, so it worked out well. I'm feeling a lot better today, I only wish I knew how long this is going to last. I fear that it may be over either tomorrow, or soon after. I must admit that some of my new found happiness is due to the fact that my friend is going to be coming over tonight which is an AWESOME change to what I thought was going to happen. I expected that he wouldn't be able to and I would just spend another lonely night home. Well I'll be home, but minus the lonely part. Well I'm off to cuddle my hunny to sleep.