The Day After

Well Christmas is over and I have yet to receive a call from my financial aid advisor, so sadly, I don't think I'll be able to go back to school this next term...I'm incredibly saddened by this, but I will just have to be patient until I can get back on board.

Christmas was wonderful I got to spend the whole day with most of my family. I got to give Chris his guitar and he was so happy, so thanks to everyone who chipped in. He bought me the Chosen Collection which is all 7 seasons of Buffy with some special features and such, SOOOOOO excited to start watching it from beginning to end. It made me kind of sad though, because I really miss Erik. I would really like to see him and be friends again, but I know that is probably not a very good idea. I think it is probably all for the better that we don't see each other any more.

Everyone seemed to be pretty happy with their gifts which made me very happy. That's what I was hoping for. I just got some really crappy news though...Chris had called out last Wednesday because he fell on the ice and he had a bruise that looked pretty bad and he said his ankle hurt, so I didn't want to make him go in and when he called out they said he had to go to the doctors before he came back to work, but he only said that he fell outside, so I just figured that they thought he meant at work, but no they didn't. I should have known better and I should have found out more ahead of time, but I suck and I didn't. Now we are in a rut and have to find money that doesn't exist to get him to the doctors. yay. What fun. I have so much more to say, but now I'm all frazzled. Funny, this seems to be happening EVERY damn time I try to make a post lately. I guess I'll just have to try and post in little installments, to get everything out.

Mean People

I feel very detached from the rest of the world. I used to be so cool, I was popular and funny and everyone loved being around me. It's no so any more, but I'm starting to be more and more ok with that every day. Everyone seems to have gotten so angry and crazy. Me, I get frustrated often, but I am rarely seriously angry. Everyone wants to kill someone or just hurt someone for some silly reason. I know it's dumb and cliche but can't we all just get along. Ok well I've gotten all distracted, so I'll write more later.

Life, Love, and Loneliness

Today was a total and complete waste. Chris played his game on the computer all morning and then we slept all day. I'm awake and he is back asleep yet again. I understand that he works really hard, but damnit I want to spend some time DOING something with him. He is all I have in this cold, boring world. No one else wants to hang out or chill except my mother who is like 20 or 30 miles away from me with no car. Well maybe it's not so much that no one wants to as they just don't have the time. Oh well, I've submitted to this being my life.

On an up note I got over $600 worth of art supplies for my graphic arts classes today. I had been wondering what a "tool kit" was and then I get this 37 pound box from UPS filled with tons of art goodies. It's all very exciting. I wish I didn't have to wait until the 5th of January to go back to class. I miss it. I don't want time off, it just makes me think more.

I liked things a lot better when they were simpler. I liked having a constant companion. I know I have Chris, but he is gone a lot. Not his fault of course, but it still makes me sad. I guess I just don't fit in anywhere. The Generalizing Christians think I'm to open-minded and "young" and the Satanists don't like my God. What am I to do?

I've been thinking a lot lately, hence why I don't like the time off, and I have come to the conclusion that words have become INCREDIBLY convenient to people. It's SO easy to say something, but to actually do it is amazing. From now on, I will hear what people say, but decide the truth through their actions. It's true, I think, that you can talk until you're blue in the face, but until you take action on it, it means nothing. I "wanted" to go back to school for a long time, but I never did anything about it. When I finally did I showed that it meant enough to me. I truly believe that if something means enough to you, you will do it. On the other hand it is true that some people just don't have the time to do things. I mean there are only 24 hours in a day and more people spend 8 of them sleeping. Unless you're Chris and it's your day off, then you spend 14 of them sleeping. X-(

I want to go to Wal-Mart, but I don't want to ask Cindy. I'm sure she has been there enough and doesn't want to go again. I do want to get there before the Christmas rush gets any bigger and more annoying to deal with, I have just a tiny more shopping to do, I need like 5 things. Maybe I will just have her bring me there and I will get a cab home. I also wonder if I will go alone or with Chris. I'll tell him he can sleep in the cart :p. I'm in a quirky, sarcastic mood right now. Like I'm in a good mood, I'm just annoyed that Chris is sleeping our time away. Eh, he needs his sleep I suppose, but he does get 8 hours of sleep every day before work, I tend to make sure of it. Oh well, I suppose I'll just go with the flow and see where it takes me. I have a crap load more to say, but why bother? Later.

Relief

I found out today that even though I was told I would be going to school year round there is actually a little break starting today and I don't have classes again until next year :p January to be specific. That is really great I needed a break after Chris and I's super harshness hopefully we'll be able to use this time wisely and relax together. He still has to work a lot though :( which sucks, but this gives me to opportunity to get some more of my community service done. Which is great because that totally needs to happen, so I can be more or less anxiety free for a while. Of course there is the matter of the co-signer for my student loan that is wracking at my brain and tearing it into little shreds of sadness.

It's totally bogus, it's like for once my life is actually going some where and I have solid direction and I can do something I love doing and am good at doing, but it seems so far away again. If I can't get a co-signer I can't go back to school in January all this time I spent working so hard on my classes and staying an A student will be for nothing. Not completely for nothing, because I will go back to school whenever we can afford it, but man who knows when that will be? We're doing a good job at getting things paid off now, but we still have that $5,000 loan that we will have hanging over our heads for the next 4 years and then we have Brian to pay back, so it seems that we are going no where even though I know we are. We actually have some money in the savings account and I've so glad for that. It isn't much, but it's a start to something bigger and better. It's a start to a future for Chris and I.

Oh crap I didn't even see the time I need to go see Chris now, so we can walk home together bye bye.

Surprise, Surprise

I want to say so much, but I don't feel like talking about it if that makes any sense. I have the same research paper to do that I was working on last night and my mind is on my pain. Things are more rocky between me and Chris than they ever have been. Just when you think things couldn't get worse they always seem to have a way of doing that don't they? I'm really starting to see him leaving me as a serious thing. Before I had always worried about it, but never thought it could REALLY happen. Things have changed. He has changed. I've never felt a pain like this before. In almost all of the other relationships I've been in it's hurt in a different way. In all of those relationships I have not wanted it to end because I didn't want to be alone, but now I don't want to be without him. As I stated in a previous post how can you live without your love? It hurts so much more because I know he can't be replaced. I know the feelings I have with him can never be better with anyone else. I don't honestly think I would ever want to be with anyone else. I can definitely say that it is true about being able to let someone go if that will truly make them happy when you really love them. Before I just wanted to posses people and keep them, not about their happiness, but now I just want him to be happy and as it stands right now I have a feeling that that might hurt a lot more than I'm prepared for. I have words that just pop in my head randomly and it tends to reflect my mood, and now the word I have is pain. I can't even describe how horrible I feel except with the single word of pain. I feel like I'm oozing pain out of my pores, and that in a way that is my name. In my experience currently there is no greater pain that being close to losing your true love. That scares me more than gremlins, spiders, or any other fear I may have because if THIS hurts this much how much will it hurt if he does leave me? More on this later, for now, buffalo wings.

True Love's Pain

"Everyone I know goes away in the end"

Hurt: Originally by NIN, done better by the legendary Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Pain

I'm trying to write my research paper and my mind keeps wandering back to the crap that me and Chris are going through. I just wish he knew what he wanted because I do and it's so hard for me when he keeps changing his mind about everything in our lives. I love him desperately and I truly will never leave him and he had been saying the same thing until recently. Tuesday of this week Chris and I were talking about when/if his kid comes back and of course he changed his mind and started fighting with me. I had previously made it clear that I can't stand to be around kids more than an hour at a time with like a 5 hour break in between, that's just how I feel and I think I have the right to feel that way. I can understand if this was something new and if I had just all of a sudden changed my mind like him, but I didn't. I've stuck by how I feel and what I've said. Basically to sum it up he said that he can't deal with not having a "family" and I told him he might want to consider leaving then. He didn't out right say he would, but he hinted at it, so I told him that I could stay in the dog's room until he could find another place to live. I made it all real, I gave ideas for how we could split things up obvious things would be his and obvious things mine and everything else we could come to a compromise with. We both starting crying of course and he said he could do this he can't live without me and of course I had to get ready for my appointment so we couldn't finish the conversation. He said he would stay awake and we could finish when I got home, so of course I came home and he was sleeping. He came home the next morning and said that he had thought about it and he wants to wait and see if he can deal with it or not. So....this morning he came home and we were talking about my college fees and he was talking about our future, so I said well in all honesty it might not matter to you in a couple of months. He said he couldn't live with out me again, but at this point I was to tired to talk about it, so I have no idea what is going on currently. We need to have a talk, but when we went to sleep he ended up waking up at 11 and not going back to sleep until 3 so complying with his request for me to wake him up when I got up at 5 didn't work out. We haven't had the time to talk yet obviously. I don't know what to say any more. So many things happen that I need to talk to him about and I have no idea how to speak it seems when I need to talk. I'm clueless. I know that a marriage councilor is a good idea, but not only can we not afford one, but Chris only has one day off and we don't really have the time, but on the other hand, how can we not have time to fix it. I don't know damnit. I feel a little better talking about it, but I wont feel completely better until I get to talk to Chris about it. I can hopefully focus on my paper now, so bye bye.