Pain

I'm trying to write my research paper and my mind keeps wandering back to the crap that me and Chris are going through. I just wish he knew what he wanted because I do and it's so hard for me when he keeps changing his mind about everything in our lives. I love him desperately and I truly will never leave him and he had been saying the same thing until recently. Tuesday of this week Chris and I were talking about when/if his kid comes back and of course he changed his mind and started fighting with me. I had previously made it clear that I can't stand to be around kids more than an hour at a time with like a 5 hour break in between, that's just how I feel and I think I have the right to feel that way. I can understand if this was something new and if I had just all of a sudden changed my mind like him, but I didn't. I've stuck by how I feel and what I've said. Basically to sum it up he said that he can't deal with not having a "family" and I told him he might want to consider leaving then. He didn't out right say he would, but he hinted at it, so I told him that I could stay in the dog's room until he could find another place to live. I made it all real, I gave ideas for how we could split things up obvious things would be his and obvious things mine and everything else we could come to a compromise with. We both starting crying of course and he said he could do this he can't live without me and of course I had to get ready for my appointment so we couldn't finish the conversation. He said he would stay awake and we could finish when I got home, so of course I came home and he was sleeping. He came home the next morning and said that he had thought about it and he wants to wait and see if he can deal with it or not. So....this morning he came home and we were talking about my college fees and he was talking about our future, so I said well in all honesty it might not matter to you in a couple of months. He said he couldn't live with out me again, but at this point I was to tired to talk about it, so I have no idea what is going on currently. We need to have a talk, but when we went to sleep he ended up waking up at 11 and not going back to sleep until 3 so complying with his request for me to wake him up when I got up at 5 didn't work out. We haven't had the time to talk yet obviously. I don't know what to say any more. So many things happen that I need to talk to him about and I have no idea how to speak it seems when I need to talk. I'm clueless. I know that a marriage councilor is a good idea, but not only can we not afford one, but Chris only has one day off and we don't really have the time, but on the other hand, how can we not have time to fix it. I don't know damnit. I feel a little better talking about it, but I wont feel completely better until I get to talk to Chris about it. I can hopefully focus on my paper now, so bye bye.