So much to say so little time and coordination to say it

So many things have happened in my absence, far to many to talk about here and now, so for now I'm gonna leave school to the side and talk about it when I have more time. A far more important issue is at hand, my marriage. I have recently received news that the uber-whore bitch will be returning in about 5 or 6 months, which was excruciatingly furious news for me to get. I was just starting to get comfortable and relax and enjoy my life and now she is going to come back and disrupt everything again. I may have made a mistake, but this woman is the reason for my probation and my suffering. Now she comes bearing even more I'm sure. I'm so depressed and sad, and so close to just giving up and of course at the same time giving in to that annoying little voice in my head that says "come on ya know you want to give up, just come be in hate with me." I hate that voice, but it is always at the back of my head gnawing at my brain to just give up the fight and live alone with no worries, but my cats and myself. A very miserable and lonely life might I add. I don't want to go there I don't want to be there, but I wonder if that would be best. Maybe I am suppose to suffer, and if I am why should I bring anyone down with me? Maybe my destiny is to suffer alone, maybe this will bring someone I love some joy, maybe even some permanent joy. I won't give up on life, I wont kill myself or some crazy dumb shit like that, but maybe giving up on the life I have now, is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm supposed to endure it and torture the people I know and love with my exhausting presence. Maybe...who knows, I hate how inventive my mind is sometimes. I've been thinking and fighting and thinking and fighting for so long now. It's hard, it's so damn hard to just not give up, to keep on fighting. I really want to give in and just say " ya know what? You were right I know nothing and I am nothing, please forget me and everything I have said, it is meaningless." I can't. I just fucking can't. Sometimes I want to, oh so badly do I want to, I've come so close to shoving those words out of my mouth, I've been shoved and spit at (figuratively) so much that I just want to spit back in their face with acid and say FINE, HAVE YOUR FUCKING WAY. I can't though, I must move on and fight on and go on.

One question has been in my mind a lot lately, for any purpose or subject...why? Why? WHY? Why do I do this? Why do I say this? Why does this happen? Why does this person hate me? Why does this person love me? The answer, the conclusion I have come to?...I have no fucking idea most of the time. I just don't know what to say most of the time, I try to be me, but that never seems to be right. I think my marriage is falling apart. I think we are talking about the things that we differ on that are important, so much that we are realizing that we are not for each other. I don't want to believe that and I don't want it to be true, but I just don't know any more. How can you live without your love? How could I ever possibly live with out MY love, my sweet, sweet true love? A while back I included some Motley Crue lyrics, and they are how I feel about Chris, but one line stands out more than all the others for my feelings for him and that is: "Without you in my life I slowly wilt and die, but with you by my side, you're the reason I'm alive..." I believe he is the reason I live as richly as I do, as much as people want to believe that I live a sheltered, uneventful life, I'm happy most of the time, it's my chemical depression that gets me down. I really love Chris, so very deeply and with every single atom of my being, love him so much that it honest to Godly sometimes hurts. Hmm maybe that's heartburn, no really though. I have never loved anyone like this. I really truly had no idea that I could even love anyone that much. It hurts me, it weighs so heavily on my heart to think that we might not make it. Truthfully I honestly hate how much I love him sometimes, to know that someone has that much control over me, because I love them so much kinda kills me. The one thing that always rings true and solid in my mind is "fuck, I love the shit right out of this guy." And then we yell and scream and argue, and I'm left with doubt and wonder and so many questions that will only bring more fighting. I think I'm just gonna end this with a summary. I love him deeply and truly, but I just don't know what to do, or where to go.