Roseanne

I'm watching the episodes of Roseanne where Dan is away in California after they get all their money, and when he comes home and tells Roseanne that he is leaving her because he met a woman out in California.

This episode is very hard for me to watch, because in many ways I associate Rose and Dan with me and Chris. I can't help but wondering if he will go away some day and come home to tell me that he is leaving. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but these episodes just make me wonder, and see how real of an issue it could really be. I really hope that our love with last the tests of time, but I wonder what he is really thinking sometimes. He just admitted the other morning that he has a hard time being honest with himself...how can I know that he is honest with me all the time when he can't even be honest with himself. I know I shouldn't stress and I shouldn't worry because things with us our great right now, but what happens when things get REALLY hard for us. I know that I am solid and I can with stand just about anything for him, but I'm not sure that he can do that for me. I know he loves me very, very deeply, but what about when it is really bad. What about when we are both at our worst.

This isn't something that is actively on my mind, it's just because of the show and I want to get it out. That's what's so great about this blog, I can say how I feel on any issue and I feel better almost instantly :p.

I wish we were just solid, I wish we knew where we stand on everything. I'm pretty sure he knows where I am on almost everything, but he changes his mind about stuff so often, how do I know that he won't change his mind about me? He says he is miserable working 2 jobs, but what can I do? He wants me to go to school, so I am I'm getting what I need to get done in order to make money from home like I really want to. It means a little hardship though, and I'm not so sure he is really actually ready for it. I've been trying to make sure that I show him enough appreciation, but it's hard to keep an eye on everything he wants to happen and everything I NEED to be working on like my anxiety and my depression. It's really hard to keep up with everything now.

Yesterday was a sad day and a wonderful day all at the same time. My mom set up an awesome Congratulations party for me because I got my diploma, and it was really great, she made me a cake and got me these GORGEOUS earrings that she said were really expensive and they really look it. I totally love them, and she also got me a sweater that is really beautiful and it looks great on me surprisingly enough. Cindy and Kat brought us out and she put up a pic of me wearing my mom's graduation gown and cap, I looked really embarrassed in the picture. I was really happy and it was a really great thing, I was so grateful. Happy really just isn't the word for it, ecstatic might be better, but I'm not sure :p, I think it may be even more.

I came home and we were ok for awhile, and Chris laid down to go to sleep, I called my friend and she was to busy to talk to me again. Of course that got me thinking about friends, and it seems that I'm very lonely. I started crying and I woke Chris up and he got mad at me. He is very harsh sometimes when I am upset. He wasn't yelling or anything, but his voice was a little louder than normal and he said "well I can't sleep while you're depressed like this", so I started crying even harder and he got even more frustrated, and told me that crying isn't going to fix anything and he was up now so he wanted to know what I wanted to do. He got up and went to the bathroom and I cried more while he was in there, and then he came back and I said I wanted to play a video game with him and we got up and came out and played X-Men. Things were rough for awhile we didn't really talk and then he started to loosen up and talk to me and joke around a bit. I just don't think he understands that if he's gonna be cranky about it I would rather he just not do it. I wasn't trying to wake him up, I wasn't trying to make him stay up, I was just sad. I was willing to be sad alone, that is usually when I try to be sad anyway, well outwardly sad that is, but sometimes it's just to much to keep in any more.

I don't know, I don't really feel like typing any more and I have laundry to tend to, so I guess this is it for the night.