Craziness

I feel like a pile of garbage today for many reasons. For one big reason I was to beat to go do the phones today and I feel like a huge shit because of it. I hate letting people down when they are counting on me. It was just to much for me today. I gave Chris that electric razor and instead of the ecstatic happiness I anticipated, he said oh thank you, it's the wrong one though. I couldn't take it I burst into tears and bawled my eyes out for about an hour. I hadn't been able to sleep in the night, so the only sleep I had been getting was 3 or 4 hours before I left to do the phones. Then yesterday as I send in my last post I had that appointment and it was way to early, I barely got to see Chris because I had to sleep and it was just to much, I started crying before I had to go to my appointment, and then on the way there my grandma and grandpa kept arguing about driving. My grandpa was driving just fine, but my grandmother was being super paranoid and really, being mean to him.

On a quick note my kitten, Pooky, is so sweet, she likes to crawl on my leg and squeeze in between my leg and my lap top because the bottom is so warm and it is the sweetest thing. She is so beautiful, she makes me smile and that is an awesome thing, since she used to run from me, but she was just a baby, so I should know better.

So after I got home from my appointment I thought about having to leave in an hour and a half and started crying again, so I thought that it would be best if I just stayed home and slept, so I did. Of course now I feel horrible, because I didn't go do phones and that sucks. I am feeling more rested though, so that is good I at least have the rest to focus on things and not be so emotional about my anxiety. I think it may be getting worse, I can barely function and that makes me feel like such a schmuck. I HATE not being able to function because of something that is my problem.

I talked to my councilor about maybe trying some meds and he told me I should see a doctor to see what they think I should take and then think about it, but I can't even afford to go see a doctor once, let alone twice. Then who knows if I can even afford the prescription. I'm once again stuck in a hole and the dirt just keep falling in when I try to climb out, burying myself alive. I need to figure out something, my life is suffering because of my anxiety and I can't take it. I have enough shit to deal with without anxiety being another problem on my sheet. Depression and Anxiety, WOW what a wonderful combination! I need to learn how to RELAX!!!! I'm always up tight about stuff and I can never seem to just relax. The funny thing is that when I'm talking to Cheryl she tells me to chill when I'm not even upset about anything lol. It's kinda funny. I portray being more pissed than I am in ims though, so I can understand the misconception. I'm gonna do some dishes, eat some food and try to find the elusive relaxation. I DO HAVE to do phones today at 5:oo, so I need to relax and stay calm and not get anxious...hhmm, let's see if it can be done.