Contradiction
As always there is a contradiction going on in my head. I know how it is, I know what is happening and what is supposed to happen, but it is still hurting me and making me feel horrible. Chris tells me that people have to move on with their lives and I totally get that and agree with it, I know it's true. The thing that gets me is that my life isn't going anywhere I guess. I feel so very all alone with no friends and no one to turn to. I even feel completely alone with Chris. Every time we have a serious talk we fight, and it becomes more and more clear to me that if we had to talk all the time he would more than likely end up leaving me.
Apparently I make him feel bad for everything. He tells me I should go visit him at work tonight because he always went to visit me, so I said no you didn't, and of course he said that if he didn't come visit me I made him feel bad. I don't TRY to make any one feel bad, so I don't understand how I made him feel bad, of course I might pout or playfully say well you suck then, but it's a game to try and hide how really upset about it I am. Yeah I hated being alone working at 7-11 it was a scary place sometimes, crazy shit happens there, so I really wanted him to visit me, so I could feel safer, but I never forced him to. Now of course I feel like I force him to do everything he doesn't want to do. Why would he want to be with me then? If I force him to do everything with my "guilt trips" than why stay around? When he tells me shit like this I just want to leave him and be alone, so that he would be better, but he always tells me that he wouldn't be better...how could he not be better doing what he wants to do? He says that I try to change him all the time, well ya know what? If I was as fucked up about some shit as he is I would want someone to change me. He stays, says he's ok with it and that I'm helping him so much and that he appreciates what I do for him and then turns around and says you're always trying to change me. Ya know what, we may be married and straight up divorce isn't really an option unless things are TOTALLY un-salvageable, but he can always leave, if not for a long time for a short time, just to find out what he really wants, because I'm not so sure it's me any more. I do want what's best for him, of course I love him and want to be with him, but if he needed to leave I would be crushed, but know that he had to to be happy. I don't know if the fact that we are married is to much for him or not, but I don't get his honesty all the time because I get mad about stuff, well any person would get mad about some of the stuff he says to me. Some complete contradictions to other feelings he has previously expressed. I'm not just saying a few things, all people have contradicting feelings, I mean there are A LOT of things. brb gotta restart the dryer.
Ok all set, I have like 6 loads of laundry for Kat and Cinny because they are moving this weekend, they moved a lot of stuff yesterday and I'm helping them to move more today, I got some more sleep already, but I think I'm gonna have Chris bring home some energy stuff just to be sure. Cindy's party is supposed to be tonight as well I'm excited to give her my presents and hang out with her. I miss her so very very much. As mention afore, I feel like she is moving away not just physically, but emotionally from me. I understand it all and that this is her life and she needs to do what she is doing and that it is all a normal thing, but I think it has something to do with the way we were raised. I feel the same way when my mom gets to busy for me. I think that the thing that is holding me up is that I lived with Cinny for so long, and when we lived together we always made comments and jokes that we would always live together, that I took those comments to be what would really happen. I should have known better than to think that that could or would happen, but I guess it still has me kinda upset. I need to remember to bring this up to my counselor on Tuesday.
I need to apologize to certain readers if this is upsetting in any way. Please understand that this is the only place I can tell the absolute truth without holding back. Anything that is ever said here is NEVER meant to hurt or upset anyone it is just my true feelings, believe me I understand that a lot of them are very wrong and messed up, but I can't stop them, they just happen, it's crazy I know.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to talk about on here and haven't because I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings, maybe I should make another blog? No I've had more than one and I know that I would keep up with just one and not any other. I don't know what to do except tell the truth, so I guess from now on that's what I'll do. Well everything posted here has been the truth, but not the whole thing ya know?
One thing that Chris said in EB the other day was pretty fucked up. He walked past the PC games and said I wont bother looking at those. So naturally I asked why and he said he couldn't use his computer without being made to feel bad and I said how so? He then said I don't want to talk about it right now, so I figured that I was the cause and I had to leave, so I wouldn't cry. People wonder why I feel like a burden, well here ya go here's why. If that wasn't a set up I don't know what is. He wanted to make me feel bad just then and it worked. I have a hard time dealing with rejection as everyone does, and one way I deal with it is to make jokes about it. For example when Chris would get on the computer and I really wanted to be with him, I would jokingly say you love your computer more than me don't you? He mentioned it once and I said it was only a joke and I said he was silly for thinking that I would actually believe he loved an electronic more than me. I don't know whose fault this is, whether it is mine for joking or his for taking it as more than a joke.
I told him that things were going to change and he thinks I was kidding, well I'm not. I'm going to do my own thing more often, so he can do whatever the hell he wants to do without being made to feel bad, I'm going to fall farther into my abyss of loneliness, so he can play his games. I don't know how many days I've said to him, do you want to go over to a friends house or something? You can do whatever you want to do this weekend I don't care. I said it sincerely and honestly and his response EVERY time is no I would rather be with you. I don't exactly know what is going on here, but I'm being made to feel horrible and shitty for something I try to avoid all the time. I have recently stopped telling him he can do what ever he wants for one I shouldn't have to do that, he should just do it and for two he always said he wanted to be with me, so why bother?
ARGH, I feel so crazy, I feel completely insane. I know I'm worth people's time and that they like being around me, but I can't help, but feel that no one wants me around. I feel like a charity case. Oh, poor Sarah she is so crazy let's hang out with her, so that she wont feel so worthless. Then once the novelty wears off I'm left alone again. I try so hard to just be a happy carefree person for everyone else so that they wont feel like they need to have me around, but it's really hard to just not feel how sad I am. Then once people know this they wont tell me the truth any more because they think they will hurt my feelings, well feelings get hurt, it's life that's just the way it is. Chris wont be honest with me because he could upset me and it pisses me off. I want to know how people really feel because if they don't tell me, I can sense the lies, then I feel like my feelings of them not liking me are even more true than I thought before. It feeds my crazy mind, with it's crazy beliefs. Should I be locked away somewhere, away from everyone I know and love? Can I just stop all this insanity and be normal? Then again who the hell knows what normal is.
I wonder where this craziness came from? Is it hereditary? Was my dad a psycho? I know I got the depression from the Pease side. What about all this other stuff. Did I make it up all by myself? I sometimes wonder if writing in this blog everyday facing my true feelings is making me even crazier. There was this one guy that read my blog regularly and he doesn't read it any more...to my knowledge. Is it because no one wants to hear the rantings of a crazy person?
Well I can say one thing, I'm looking forward to my psychology classes when I start college in just 10 days. I'm still really looking forward to college. Looking forward to meeting some new people going to the same classes as me. I need to focus on how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to go to college and to have this great apartment to live in comfortable, and to have all the people who love me regardless of how crazy I am. I love these people so much it hurts sometimes. I wouldn't want it any other way though.
I'm watching a crazy moving called Dagon, and I'm just happy that I'm not in that psycho town with those strange water monsters. I feel tons better after ranting, and I'm glad I'm a blogger :p. I'm glad for the feeling of release I get after getting it all out. I can breath better even, minus the smoke in my lungs from these nasty cigarettes :p. Ok I'm better, so I guess I'm gonna get to wrapping my aunt Cinny's presents :D.
Apparently I make him feel bad for everything. He tells me I should go visit him at work tonight because he always went to visit me, so I said no you didn't, and of course he said that if he didn't come visit me I made him feel bad. I don't TRY to make any one feel bad, so I don't understand how I made him feel bad, of course I might pout or playfully say well you suck then, but it's a game to try and hide how really upset about it I am. Yeah I hated being alone working at 7-11 it was a scary place sometimes, crazy shit happens there, so I really wanted him to visit me, so I could feel safer, but I never forced him to. Now of course I feel like I force him to do everything he doesn't want to do. Why would he want to be with me then? If I force him to do everything with my "guilt trips" than why stay around? When he tells me shit like this I just want to leave him and be alone, so that he would be better, but he always tells me that he wouldn't be better...how could he not be better doing what he wants to do? He says that I try to change him all the time, well ya know what? If I was as fucked up about some shit as he is I would want someone to change me. He stays, says he's ok with it and that I'm helping him so much and that he appreciates what I do for him and then turns around and says you're always trying to change me. Ya know what, we may be married and straight up divorce isn't really an option unless things are TOTALLY un-salvageable, but he can always leave, if not for a long time for a short time, just to find out what he really wants, because I'm not so sure it's me any more. I do want what's best for him, of course I love him and want to be with him, but if he needed to leave I would be crushed, but know that he had to to be happy. I don't know if the fact that we are married is to much for him or not, but I don't get his honesty all the time because I get mad about stuff, well any person would get mad about some of the stuff he says to me. Some complete contradictions to other feelings he has previously expressed. I'm not just saying a few things, all people have contradicting feelings, I mean there are A LOT of things. brb gotta restart the dryer.
Ok all set, I have like 6 loads of laundry for Kat and Cinny because they are moving this weekend, they moved a lot of stuff yesterday and I'm helping them to move more today, I got some more sleep already, but I think I'm gonna have Chris bring home some energy stuff just to be sure. Cindy's party is supposed to be tonight as well I'm excited to give her my presents and hang out with her. I miss her so very very much. As mention afore, I feel like she is moving away not just physically, but emotionally from me. I understand it all and that this is her life and she needs to do what she is doing and that it is all a normal thing, but I think it has something to do with the way we were raised. I feel the same way when my mom gets to busy for me. I think that the thing that is holding me up is that I lived with Cinny for so long, and when we lived together we always made comments and jokes that we would always live together, that I took those comments to be what would really happen. I should have known better than to think that that could or would happen, but I guess it still has me kinda upset. I need to remember to bring this up to my counselor on Tuesday.
I need to apologize to certain readers if this is upsetting in any way. Please understand that this is the only place I can tell the absolute truth without holding back. Anything that is ever said here is NEVER meant to hurt or upset anyone it is just my true feelings, believe me I understand that a lot of them are very wrong and messed up, but I can't stop them, they just happen, it's crazy I know.
There are a lot of things that I have wanted to talk about on here and haven't because I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings, maybe I should make another blog? No I've had more than one and I know that I would keep up with just one and not any other. I don't know what to do except tell the truth, so I guess from now on that's what I'll do. Well everything posted here has been the truth, but not the whole thing ya know?
One thing that Chris said in EB the other day was pretty fucked up. He walked past the PC games and said I wont bother looking at those. So naturally I asked why and he said he couldn't use his computer without being made to feel bad and I said how so? He then said I don't want to talk about it right now, so I figured that I was the cause and I had to leave, so I wouldn't cry. People wonder why I feel like a burden, well here ya go here's why. If that wasn't a set up I don't know what is. He wanted to make me feel bad just then and it worked. I have a hard time dealing with rejection as everyone does, and one way I deal with it is to make jokes about it. For example when Chris would get on the computer and I really wanted to be with him, I would jokingly say you love your computer more than me don't you? He mentioned it once and I said it was only a joke and I said he was silly for thinking that I would actually believe he loved an electronic more than me. I don't know whose fault this is, whether it is mine for joking or his for taking it as more than a joke.
I told him that things were going to change and he thinks I was kidding, well I'm not. I'm going to do my own thing more often, so he can do whatever the hell he wants to do without being made to feel bad, I'm going to fall farther into my abyss of loneliness, so he can play his games. I don't know how many days I've said to him, do you want to go over to a friends house or something? You can do whatever you want to do this weekend I don't care. I said it sincerely and honestly and his response EVERY time is no I would rather be with you. I don't exactly know what is going on here, but I'm being made to feel horrible and shitty for something I try to avoid all the time. I have recently stopped telling him he can do what ever he wants for one I shouldn't have to do that, he should just do it and for two he always said he wanted to be with me, so why bother?
ARGH, I feel so crazy, I feel completely insane. I know I'm worth people's time and that they like being around me, but I can't help, but feel that no one wants me around. I feel like a charity case. Oh, poor Sarah she is so crazy let's hang out with her, so that she wont feel so worthless. Then once the novelty wears off I'm left alone again. I try so hard to just be a happy carefree person for everyone else so that they wont feel like they need to have me around, but it's really hard to just not feel how sad I am. Then once people know this they wont tell me the truth any more because they think they will hurt my feelings, well feelings get hurt, it's life that's just the way it is. Chris wont be honest with me because he could upset me and it pisses me off. I want to know how people really feel because if they don't tell me, I can sense the lies, then I feel like my feelings of them not liking me are even more true than I thought before. It feeds my crazy mind, with it's crazy beliefs. Should I be locked away somewhere, away from everyone I know and love? Can I just stop all this insanity and be normal? Then again who the hell knows what normal is.
I wonder where this craziness came from? Is it hereditary? Was my dad a psycho? I know I got the depression from the Pease side. What about all this other stuff. Did I make it up all by myself? I sometimes wonder if writing in this blog everyday facing my true feelings is making me even crazier. There was this one guy that read my blog regularly and he doesn't read it any more...to my knowledge. Is it because no one wants to hear the rantings of a crazy person?
Well I can say one thing, I'm looking forward to my psychology classes when I start college in just 10 days. I'm still really looking forward to college. Looking forward to meeting some new people going to the same classes as me. I need to focus on how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to go to college and to have this great apartment to live in comfortable, and to have all the people who love me regardless of how crazy I am. I love these people so much it hurts sometimes. I wouldn't want it any other way though.
I'm watching a crazy moving called Dagon, and I'm just happy that I'm not in that psycho town with those strange water monsters. I feel tons better after ranting, and I'm glad I'm a blogger :p. I'm glad for the feeling of release I get after getting it all out. I can breath better even, minus the smoke in my lungs from these nasty cigarettes :p. Ok I'm better, so I guess I'm gonna get to wrapping my aunt Cinny's presents :D.
posted by Angel Remer at 4:43 AM
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