CRAP

Today was a super crappy day. The ONLY good thing about was that I got to hang out with Jay. I met the most horrible woman today. I have never meet a more pompous, bitter woman as her. First she threw a five year old hissy fit when things were decided to be FAIR in the house she lives in. This woman is 62 years old and she honestly to godly threw a hissy fit, the only thing that she didn't do was fall on the floor and kick and scream. My friend's son behaved better than she did while I was there. THEN she brought us home because his other room mate got distracted and didn't. The ENTIRE way to my house which is like a 15 20 minute drive mind you, she bitched and complained about EVERYTHING. She made my friend feel like 2 inches tall no doubt and totally downed everyone she lives with. People who gave her a home when she didn't have one. THEN to top it all off when I went to get out of the car she said " It was nice meeting you and just forget about all the stuff I said, that's an order." THAT'S AN ORDER?!?!?!? excuse the heck out of me, but I do NOT take orders from anyone unless you are my mother or you are paying me and she isn't EITHER. Man I am so steamed about her audacity.
Then when I got home I bitched to Chris for a bit and then opened my mail to find a letter from a bill collector that I had made a previous agreement with to pay them $15 a month, saying that this is their final attempt for me to voluntarily pay them the whole balance. The damn paper even showed the last $15 I sent them. Now I have to call them and straighten shit out AGAIN. I was late paying them ONCE and when I called them, they were like, well this seems to be becoming a habit. I was like WTF?
To further my issues, my mother cat is looking sickly skinny and I feed her just as much as I always have, so I have no idea what is wrong with her. She only feeds her kittens like once or twice a day, and now they are starting to look sickly, so I have to start feeding them soft cat food, which is even MORE money that I just don't have. I'm all set to take my GED tests and get ready for college, but now I'm terrified to go because I don't know how we are ever going to pay back a loan. I want to live in a nice house, nothing big or fancy, just nice. I want to have a car and be able to do my own thing and not have to be a burden on everyone. I'm so sick of feeling like a burden. I want to go to school so badly, but I can't take all this stress of bills and everything. I have applied at all the places I can walk to in this area and NOTHING. I'm so lost. I have NO idea where to go and what to do to get some more money coming in. ACK. What to do what to do. Well I'm gonna do chores, not that it will make me feel any better, but they have to get done.

No Sleep

Back again, I'm currently at a friends house, chilling while he arranges his studio in his new place. Not his place per say, but the place he is renting with some friends. Haven't hung out with him for a very long time, but we're going to be spending the day together which is fun. We will be going back to my house at like 7 and hanging out there for the rest of the night. Not really sure what we are going to do, but I'm sure I can find something fun to do. We have tons of DVDs and an XBOX, Game Cube, and a PS2. Plus we have two computers, and cable, so I believe there is enough to keep anyone entertained. I'm just always nervous that I'm not keeping my company entertained the whole time that they are at my house, because I want them to feel comfortable coming back. I'm just super paranoid as usual. Funny how I am so paranoid and yet I am still not smoking pot. I think I was less paranoid when I was smoking it. Strange how that works out huh?
As far as the whole depression issue goes it's still there, it's still going strong, and still making me miserable. My counselor is helping out with some of the issues, but I'm still having a hard time finding answers to all of my many, many questions. I'm not sure that half of my questions will ever be answered. It saddens me to think about that though, so I try not to dwell on it. I have a huge issue with dwelling on things that I just can't change. Another of the many things that I need to deal with. Well this is my put in on things for now. Possibly be back later, possibly not.

Poetic Song

There are no more song birds,
Only crows and vultures,
Where have all the pretty things gone?
There is crime and degradation,
So much evil temptation,
What has this world become?
There are no more sweet I love yous,
Only hatred and accuse,
When did everything go wrong?
There is lost hope and a lonely one,
So how can this be undone,
Where is all the faith and trust?

I wrote this the other day before taking a nap early in the morning waiting for Chris to get home.

Posty, Post, Post

Here I am again, sad and depressed, I'm begining wonder if it will stop. I feel like I'm all alone in this world and there is no one that wants to be around me any more. I suppose I could understand that. Who wants to be around someone who is depressed and sad all the time. I know I wouldn't want to be. I'm sitting here watching the X-Files and wondering about the things that are on that show. I'm wondering why I'm like this, and how it happened. There are many answers I'm sure, but I have none. I feel empty and alone. I wish that Chris could be simpathetic to my issues, but he just deals with his own. I don't even think he knows what's happening to him or what he is doing any more. I feel so badly for him, but I don't want to talk about it because he will just deny that he has any problem at all, and I'm the one who is horrible and doesn't listen, when that wouldn't be what I was trying to convey at all. We are both having a hard time right now, and I wish he could see my advice for what it is and not an attck on his character. I love him so much, but I wish he would take what I say about him to heart instead of just dismissing it. Self-reflection is one of the greatest things I have ever learned. I think maybe if Chris could do that he would be a lot better off. Unfortunately people have treated him so bad his whole life that he doesn't really know himself any more. He would argue with this of course, but I believe it to be true by research and professional opinion. It would seem to me that he just wants to be good and be right in his actions, but he doesn't want to work for it, so he just assumes that that is how he is. This is just a theory of course I really don't know. It's hard to monitor someones behavior when you are having problems with your own. I just don't know. I wish I could erase our past and just start over new without any regret, resentment, or hard feelings. I wish he could let me in, but I'm constantly left out. I've told him he can come here and read my posts if he wants the insight on me. For some reason things don't come out easily or right when I say them, but typing and writing seems to work rather well. I know if he reads this he will see it as a bad thing and be mad at me, but I'm not speaking ill of him at all. I love him so very much and I know he could be so much better if he just tried a little bit. I don't know what to do. It seems that that is the most common statement I make every day. He tells me that I'm being a bitch, and I don't always deny it, sometimes I know it, but when I tell him that he is being a jerk he pretty much automatically says he's not, without even thinking about what he is doing or saying. I hate my life right now. No one wants to hire me and I have so many things to do that I just don't want to. I'm trying to find things to be happy about and to feel that I have a good life. I mean of course there are the basic wonderful things I have like food, a house, and my wonderful animals, but as much as they should be something to make me happy, it just doesn't work any more. I'm thankful, or so VERY thankful, but not happy. I just don't know what to do or say any more.

Full Of Grace - Sarah McLachlan

The winter here's cold and bitter,It's chilled us to the bone.

We haven't seen the sun for weeks,Too long, too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking,And I claw for solid ground.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,I never thought I could feel so low,

And, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage

Come and lift me from this place.

I know I can love you much better than this:

Full of grace, Full of grace, my love.

It's better this way,

I said,

Haven't seen this place before.

Where everything we say and do,

Hurts us all the more.

It's just that we stayed too long

In the same old sickly scheme,

And I'm pulled down by the undertow,I never thought I could feel so low,

And, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage

Come and lift me from this place

I know I can love you much better than this:

Full of grace, full of grace.

I know I can love you much better than this.

It's better this way.

Title-less

Life, it is so strange. Feelings are strange also. I wish I could shut them off. I wish I could smoke, or something. I miss the days when things were great and I hadn't a care in the world. The days that I spent with my grand parents camping every weekend, long drives around the lake with Cindy, riding around in the middle of no where with Erik just enjoying the scenery not speaking to each other, just enjoying the surroundings. So much time has passed in my life, so many people...Of all the people that have left, no one has left a hole as big as Erik. I know that no one else liked him, but I don't really care about all that. He loved me, more than anyone ever had before minus my family of course. He tried and tried for me when no one else would or could. He brought me to God. I don't know what I would do or who I would be without God in my life. I know people come and go, but I don't want him to go. I want him to come back and I want him to be the same fun, full of life Erik I once knew. People change, just like the seasons, I hate everything about winter except it's supreme beauty. There aren't many things in this life that are more beautiful than fresh snow and ice covering the woods, so flawless. On the trees, the grass, the ground, everything is so beautiful and perfect covered with snow. I love snowflakes because they are the foundation of that beauty. I'm filled with so much love, but I keep it inside because I'm afraid to be weak and helpless. Well, look at where it's got me. Extreme incurable sadness. I sometimes wish that everyone hated me so I could just sulk away and live in my wallowing hole of sadness. I just want to give in to the hurt and the pain and all those held back tears. Even as I type this I still can't let them go. They've welled up in my eyes, but they just sit there, refusing to fall. There isn't a single person in my life that hasn't hurt me at least once. I suppose that is true for everyone. If that is the case then why am I having such a hard time trusting anyone. I constantly suspect that people hate me deep down inside. It's like I'm just sitting on a high up ledge watching my life happen. It's like I see all these things that need to change and I try to reach out and hold my hand, lift me up and get out of the black that nips at my heels and promises solace if I just let it consume me. My hand never reaches, it seems like I'm always out of reach. I just want to grab my hand, pull me out, help me out, just get me out. There are a few feelings that I hate feeling: Guilt, Frustration, Sadness, and most of all helplessness. Well I feel more helpless now than I ever have in all my life. What's different? Why now? Where is it coming from? How can I stop it? All questions that I have absolutely no answers to.

I'm constantly fighting with myself. My head always makes me unsure of myself and the way others feel about me. It's so hard to fight back and contain. I feel so alone, so very alone. I could be in a room full of people and feel alone...that has never happened to me before. Where are all these new feelings coming from? Am I making them up? Am I causing them some how? If I am, then why can't I just stop it? I just want to cry and scream and tell everyone how I feel, but then...I'm vulnerable and they can hurt me. I hurt so much already that it would seem that I am incapable of making myself vulnerable for more. Yet I know that if I don't open up to someone things will fall apart around my feet. I feel like two people, no not multiple personalities, just one trying to chose two opposite things at the same time. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I want to be helped. I don't want to be this way any more.

Then there is the problem of keeping this from my friends and family, so they don't worry. That is the most of why I wish no one loved me, because I hurt them. That is the worse thing in the whole entire world. I would endure torture for hundreds of years if I could keep everyone I love safe and pain-free. That's wrong though, because people need to hurt and feel pain in order to grow. So I am just being selfish I guess most people would say. I don't want to do it to keep them from growing I just know how much pain hurts and I don't ever want anyone to hurt like that. I actually pray that I can have my mothers pain. I beg for it. My mother is THE sweetest woman in this whole world and she has gone through more pain than anyone I know. That may not be true, but when I see her hurting it is multiplied by thousands, because most of the time, I can't stop it. She raised me and gave up whatever she could whenever she could so I could have just a little more of whatever it was that I wanted. There are 3 women that will never be out done, or out ranked. They have been the pillars of my life, my idols, my mentors, my family, my friends, my blood, my tears, my everything. I don't like women, and this is why. No woman can ever be better than them to me, I like a lot of women, I even love some of them, but the three that raised me are above them on every level. Some people might not think they are good people, and they may have made mistakes, but I will never ever forget what was given up for me. They would all willingly lay down their lives...just for me. I didn't ask for this, but you can bet your ass that I appreciate them and what they do and have done more than anything in this world. They have taught me to be strong, open-minded, kind, loving, forgiving, appreciative, out going, friendly, hard working, and above all the very best that I can be. Nothing I do seems to disappoint my mother, shes always proud of me and she is always there. She is the kind of mother than people only dream of and to have to watch my brother treat her like shit all the time kills me inside. I know a lot of it is her own fault, but my love for her is so very very indescribably strong that it seems like the only thing I care about is that she is hurting. I also care about what kind of person my brother seems to be destined to turn into. I don't want to dislike him, but if he continues on the way he is, I will. I love him very much, but he is growing older and the need for him to smarten up and know better is long past due.

I really must take a second to thank my friend Cheryl for getting me into this blogger thing in the first place, and my friend/family member Kat for inspiring me to continue it. This makes me feel so much better and it's one of the only places that I can just release things and be free.

Still no tears, I can feel them screaming inside of me to come out. They just sit in my eyes and tease me with release. They make me feel like writing a poem. I sit here and wonder how I got to where I am, so many things seem like a blur. I believe that those are the times that I just sit inside myself and watch what my body will do with what it is given. I know what I'm capable of, I know how great I can be, I know how smart I am, and I know how quickly I can learn things, yet I am this emotional creature that can't control my emotions as I should be able to. I'm very logical, I know how things should be, I know what I should do, it just seems like my body isn't my own sometimes. I just wish...so much.

Playlist -
Rasputina - Transylvanian Concubine
STP - Wet Myself
Flys - Got You Where I Want You
Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Guns N Roses - Patience
Finger 11 - One Thing
Lenny Kravitz - Again
Motley Crue - Without You
Nikka Costa - Push And Pull
Posion - Every Rose Has It's Thorn
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Sarah McLachlan - Full Of Grace
Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be
Cibo Matto - Sugar Water

*sigh*

Things are as stressful as ever around here, Chris and I are pretty much on edge. He told me today that I am filled with so much hate...that just goes to show he doesn't know me. He only sees what is on the outside of me. I'd think after 3 years he would be able to see through my facade and know me for who I really am, but I guess he can't. I see through his facade and know who he is and he doesn't like it. I don't know what to do, he says that he wants to listen to me, but I don't know if I know what to say now. It seems like no matter how hard we try we can never be on the same page. I don't even hate a single person in this world, people just annoy me with their ignorance and stupidity. I'm by NO means saying that I'm not ignorant or stupid, because I think everyone is at some point, it's the habitually stupid and ignorant people that bug me, and they seem to be very prevalent in this town. I'm just really confused and lost and I have no idea how to refind my way. I'm just blindly feeling around in the dark and all I do is keep bumping into stuff. I'm just so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, and tired of failing. I know these are all things that everyone needs to deal with, but this is my blog so I can complain all I want. I just wish I could handle everything the way I want to and know I should, but my stupid emotions keep grabbing the control that my head should have. I feel overwhelmed with thoughts and wishes and hopes. I know that I am the only one that can change anything, but I just want to give up and sleep forever. However the bummer about that is that I always seem to have bad dreams. My dreams are becoming increasingly strange, but I seem to have lost my book on dreams, so I have no idea what any of them mean and all the dream sites I have found aren't very helpful unless I have money to spend which I don't. I'm just lost and I want to be found, but I need to find myself. I always feel like crying, and there is always a feeling on separation within myself, because I want to be alone, but I really hate being alone and I love being around people. Recently I have been distancing myself though, because I'm so edgy and sad. The problem with me being sad is that I always want to cover it up, so I end up getting mad at myself and taking it out on everyone else. Well I gotta do guildy duties bye for now.

Uneventful

Well today was very uneventful, I went to wal-mart to get some things and that was about it, the rest of the time I just watched tv, took a nap, and now I'm here. I don't really have anything to do here except post, so I guess I'll be offline after this...Not much of any excitement minus the bat incident has happened lately. I just seem to be getting more and more depressed with each passing day. It made me a little happier that these are Chris's days off, but we have nothing to do with them. The only things that I want to do he isn't interested in and the things that he wants to do I'm not interested in. It's easier when we have extra money, because we can agree on movies and places to go do things at, but when it comes to doing free at home/near home things there never seems to be anything. The park that I am near is in one of the baddest parts of town, so I don't really want to go there, and there really isn't much else to enjoy in this stupid town without a car, so I am stuck, as always, right where I am. I wish I had listened to everyone and never gotten any credit cards, however they have all served a helpful purpose. One of them I need to have for vet bills, and the other two were used when Chris wasn't making very much money and we needed things. I mean it is good that we had them, but the debt is just killing us. We can't afford a car at all, because there is no way that we could make the car payment let alone an insurrance payment. That is SO depressing, you really have no idea. I feel like an enormous burden to my friends and family...well just my family I guess you would say because I don't really have many friends. I always need a ride some where and I always have to ask them for it. I always feel like people think I am useless and foolish. It really hurts to feel that way, but I just can't make myself stop for some reason. I'll stop for a while, but then I get depressed and it's right back the way it was. I hate this horrible depression, but I'm finding it easier and easier to put on that happy face for everyone and pretend like I'm ok. I'm making steps in the right direction in my life and I should be happy, I mean I just took my TABE test for my GED and of 3 scores 2 of them were perfect. I'm gonna be going to college soon (hopefully) and I'll be doing what I want to do, so I once again should be happy, but it seems like everything is hopeless and everyone hates me. THEN of course when I tell people how I feel they no longer tell me how they really feel so that they don't hurt my feelings, but unbeknownst them I can feel their lies and I know they aren't telling me the truth which only makes me more suspicious of them liking me. I feel this way about MY OWN FAMILY!! I know I'm crazy, I want it to stop I really do, I also happen to know that I am the only one that can stop it. That makes things even more frustrating because I can't do it right now and I have no idea why. I'm very good at controlling my emotions and keeping things in check, but for some reason in the last 2 or 3 months things have been different.

I feel a HUGE part of a lot of my issues is Erik. He is gone again, because of alcohol I have lost my best friend in the whole world. I miss him SOOOOO much, I know that is part of my depression. I wish he would stop drinking and realize what he has done to himself and everyone around him. I promised him I would never leave his life and I won't. If he comes back I'll be here, I just wish he would already. I can't help but blame myself for it even though I didn't make him leave he was just being an angry drunk and left. Told me I was dead to him. He never wanted to speak to me again.....I miss him tremendously. He was my mentor, my friend, and my brother in God. I'm so helpless and empty in bringing him to his senses. I'm so worried that he will get hurt some how and I wont even know it. I have been thinking about calling his mom and asking her to keep me posted if anything goes seriously wrong with him. I think I may, however if he finds out he will be furious. Not like he doesn't hate me already, so I guess really what's the harm.

So things are not so happy with me lately, but I guess that's nothing out of the ordinary. I guess trying just isn't enough any more.

Playlist -
The Used - All That I've Got
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Poison - Every Rose Has It's Thorn
Trapt - Echo

Horrible Bat

I just had a horrible experience. There was a bat in my house and unknown to me, I was absolutely terrified of it. I tried to get my dog and my cats to come in my room with me, but they were interested in that horrible thing, so I stood in my bedroom doorway calling to them and the horrid thing came right next to my door, so I slammed it shut and locked it and listening to the thing screeching outside my door, what a horrible scary noise. I was sitting in here crying wondering what to do, and then my horror was multiplied a hundred times...I heard my youngest kitty scream out in pain. Unable to get the strength to open the door I just started bawling, so I called Chris and had him come home and get that horrible thing out of my house. I know it sounds really silly, but that was one of the most horrifying things that has happened to me in a long time. I was shaking all over and flipping out, I thought for sure the thing had killed my baby kitty. All was quiet except the horrible screeching of the bat after that noise, so I feared the worst. It seemed like hours had passed while I waited for Chris to get here, when it was only like 15 minutes. I felt so helpless and terrified, yet it was only a tiny little creature. I know that my fear was unwarranted, but it was there nonetheless and no matter what I was terrified and scared beyond my wits. I've never been scared of anything like that before. This requires a lot of reflecting I think. I'm still shaky and it's been an hour and a half past the incident. How strange this all was. Well All my babies are ok, they've been thoroughly checked over and smothered with love, but it was really hard to hear that cry and be so helpless to get to her. Definite reflection is needed on this event, so I will reflect and post more later.

Last Night

So I finally ran the much needed disk cleanup and defragmenter last night, and it took 4 hours out of my precious internet time. I got to finish my project that I had been working on though, I was so determined and I finally did it. I feel like sharing it with everyone so here it is: My Wishlist for neopets. If you're checking it out and you're like what the heck, you can click the banner at the bottom of my blog here to join the site. Most people think it's just for kids, but I'm 22 and I've been doing it for 4 years and I love it, I have so much fun there are SO many things to do there. I'd be more than happy to help anyone out if they join, my username is hannibalandjack666, so just drop me a neomail if you decide to join.

So I have a long night ahead of me making graphics and doing other tasks to further my skills. I'm currently reading HTML 4 for Dummies because I intend on going to college soon for graphic design and html and all that good web page building stuff. I'm getting pretty good at it I think, my friend Cheryl has been a big help through all this, she sends me programs and stuff to help me out, she rocks! It was actually neopets and her that got me into the whole html thing. It can be kind of depressing though, because I know like a 15 year old kid that does AMAZING graphics and super cool coding. I'm like wow, I suck whenever I see her stuff lol. I have noticed though that I am getting a lot better, I'm getting more and more familiar with photo shop and different tags for html so that I can finally start making web pages look exactly like I want them to. It's a really great feeling when I create an awesome page, like my wishlist, I am very proud of that. It may only be for neopets, but it gives me a chance to practice and make cool things. I would say that neopets is my biggest hobby next to html and such. A big part of what keeps me going on neopets is my guild, I love that damn thing so much. It's pretty sad really, I've become very attached to a lot of the members, Cheryl being the leader. I'm Co-leader and I love my job in the guild it's fun and it gives me a feeling of usefulness that I don't always get off the computer. Well I'm gonna go play neopets for awhile, I may be back tonight I may not.