Title-less
Life, it is so strange. Feelings are strange also. I wish I could shut them off. I wish I could smoke, or something. I miss the days when things were great and I hadn't a care in the world. The days that I spent with my grand parents camping every weekend, long drives around the lake with Cindy, riding around in the middle of no where with Erik just enjoying the scenery not speaking to each other, just enjoying the surroundings. So much time has passed in my life, so many people...Of all the people that have left, no one has left a hole as big as Erik. I know that no one else liked him, but I don't really care about all that. He loved me, more than anyone ever had before minus my family of course. He tried and tried for me when no one else would or could. He brought me to God. I don't know what I would do or who I would be without God in my life. I know people come and go, but I don't want him to go. I want him to come back and I want him to be the same fun, full of life Erik I once knew. People change, just like the seasons, I hate everything about winter except it's supreme beauty. There aren't many things in this life that are more beautiful than fresh snow and ice covering the woods, so flawless. On the trees, the grass, the ground, everything is so beautiful and perfect covered with snow. I love snowflakes because they are the foundation of that beauty. I'm filled with so much love, but I keep it inside because I'm afraid to be weak and helpless. Well, look at where it's got me. Extreme incurable sadness. I sometimes wish that everyone hated me so I could just sulk away and live in my wallowing hole of sadness. I just want to give in to the hurt and the pain and all those held back tears. Even as I type this I still can't let them go. They've welled up in my eyes, but they just sit there, refusing to fall. There isn't a single person in my life that hasn't hurt me at least once. I suppose that is true for everyone. If that is the case then why am I having such a hard time trusting anyone. I constantly suspect that people hate me deep down inside. It's like I'm just sitting on a high up ledge watching my life happen. It's like I see all these things that need to change and I try to reach out and hold my hand, lift me up and get out of the black that nips at my heels and promises solace if I just let it consume me. My hand never reaches, it seems like I'm always out of reach. I just want to grab my hand, pull me out, help me out, just get me out. There are a few feelings that I hate feeling: Guilt, Frustration, Sadness, and most of all helplessness. Well I feel more helpless now than I ever have in all my life. What's different? Why now? Where is it coming from? How can I stop it? All questions that I have absolutely no answers to.
I'm constantly fighting with myself. My head always makes me unsure of myself and the way others feel about me. It's so hard to fight back and contain. I feel so alone, so very alone. I could be in a room full of people and feel alone...that has never happened to me before. Where are all these new feelings coming from? Am I making them up? Am I causing them some how? If I am, then why can't I just stop it? I just want to cry and scream and tell everyone how I feel, but then...I'm vulnerable and they can hurt me. I hurt so much already that it would seem that I am incapable of making myself vulnerable for more. Yet I know that if I don't open up to someone things will fall apart around my feet. I feel like two people, no not multiple personalities, just one trying to chose two opposite things at the same time. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I want to be helped. I don't want to be this way any more.
Then there is the problem of keeping this from my friends and family, so they don't worry. That is the most of why I wish no one loved me, because I hurt them. That is the worse thing in the whole entire world. I would endure torture for hundreds of years if I could keep everyone I love safe and pain-free. That's wrong though, because people need to hurt and feel pain in order to grow. So I am just being selfish I guess most people would say. I don't want to do it to keep them from growing I just know how much pain hurts and I don't ever want anyone to hurt like that. I actually pray that I can have my mothers pain. I beg for it. My mother is THE sweetest woman in this whole world and she has gone through more pain than anyone I know. That may not be true, but when I see her hurting it is multiplied by thousands, because most of the time, I can't stop it. She raised me and gave up whatever she could whenever she could so I could have just a little more of whatever it was that I wanted. There are 3 women that will never be out done, or out ranked. They have been the pillars of my life, my idols, my mentors, my family, my friends, my blood, my tears, my everything. I don't like women, and this is why. No woman can ever be better than them to me, I like a lot of women, I even love some of them, but the three that raised me are above them on every level. Some people might not think they are good people, and they may have made mistakes, but I will never ever forget what was given up for me. They would all willingly lay down their lives...just for me. I didn't ask for this, but you can bet your ass that I appreciate them and what they do and have done more than anything in this world. They have taught me to be strong, open-minded, kind, loving, forgiving, appreciative, out going, friendly, hard working, and above all the very best that I can be. Nothing I do seems to disappoint my mother, shes always proud of me and she is always there. She is the kind of mother than people only dream of and to have to watch my brother treat her like shit all the time kills me inside. I know a lot of it is her own fault, but my love for her is so very very indescribably strong that it seems like the only thing I care about is that she is hurting. I also care about what kind of person my brother seems to be destined to turn into. I don't want to dislike him, but if he continues on the way he is, I will. I love him very much, but he is growing older and the need for him to smarten up and know better is long past due.
I really must take a second to thank my friend Cheryl for getting me into this blogger thing in the first place, and my friend/family member Kat for inspiring me to continue it. This makes me feel so much better and it's one of the only places that I can just release things and be free.
Still no tears, I can feel them screaming inside of me to come out. They just sit in my eyes and tease me with release. They make me feel like writing a poem. I sit here and wonder how I got to where I am, so many things seem like a blur. I believe that those are the times that I just sit inside myself and watch what my body will do with what it is given. I know what I'm capable of, I know how great I can be, I know how smart I am, and I know how quickly I can learn things, yet I am this emotional creature that can't control my emotions as I should be able to. I'm very logical, I know how things should be, I know what I should do, it just seems like my body isn't my own sometimes. I just wish...so much.
Playlist -
Rasputina - Transylvanian Concubine
STP - Wet Myself
Flys - Got You Where I Want You
Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Guns N Roses - Patience
Finger 11 - One Thing
Lenny Kravitz - Again
Motley Crue - Without You
Nikka Costa - Push And Pull
Posion - Every Rose Has It's Thorn
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Sarah McLachlan - Full Of Grace
Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be
Cibo Matto - Sugar Water
I'm constantly fighting with myself. My head always makes me unsure of myself and the way others feel about me. It's so hard to fight back and contain. I feel so alone, so very alone. I could be in a room full of people and feel alone...that has never happened to me before. Where are all these new feelings coming from? Am I making them up? Am I causing them some how? If I am, then why can't I just stop it? I just want to cry and scream and tell everyone how I feel, but then...I'm vulnerable and they can hurt me. I hurt so much already that it would seem that I am incapable of making myself vulnerable for more. Yet I know that if I don't open up to someone things will fall apart around my feet. I feel like two people, no not multiple personalities, just one trying to chose two opposite things at the same time. I don't want to be vulnerable, but I want to be helped. I don't want to be this way any more.
Then there is the problem of keeping this from my friends and family, so they don't worry. That is the most of why I wish no one loved me, because I hurt them. That is the worse thing in the whole entire world. I would endure torture for hundreds of years if I could keep everyone I love safe and pain-free. That's wrong though, because people need to hurt and feel pain in order to grow. So I am just being selfish I guess most people would say. I don't want to do it to keep them from growing I just know how much pain hurts and I don't ever want anyone to hurt like that. I actually pray that I can have my mothers pain. I beg for it. My mother is THE sweetest woman in this whole world and she has gone through more pain than anyone I know. That may not be true, but when I see her hurting it is multiplied by thousands, because most of the time, I can't stop it. She raised me and gave up whatever she could whenever she could so I could have just a little more of whatever it was that I wanted. There are 3 women that will never be out done, or out ranked. They have been the pillars of my life, my idols, my mentors, my family, my friends, my blood, my tears, my everything. I don't like women, and this is why. No woman can ever be better than them to me, I like a lot of women, I even love some of them, but the three that raised me are above them on every level. Some people might not think they are good people, and they may have made mistakes, but I will never ever forget what was given up for me. They would all willingly lay down their lives...just for me. I didn't ask for this, but you can bet your ass that I appreciate them and what they do and have done more than anything in this world. They have taught me to be strong, open-minded, kind, loving, forgiving, appreciative, out going, friendly, hard working, and above all the very best that I can be. Nothing I do seems to disappoint my mother, shes always proud of me and she is always there. She is the kind of mother than people only dream of and to have to watch my brother treat her like shit all the time kills me inside. I know a lot of it is her own fault, but my love for her is so very very indescribably strong that it seems like the only thing I care about is that she is hurting. I also care about what kind of person my brother seems to be destined to turn into. I don't want to dislike him, but if he continues on the way he is, I will. I love him very much, but he is growing older and the need for him to smarten up and know better is long past due.
I really must take a second to thank my friend Cheryl for getting me into this blogger thing in the first place, and my friend/family member Kat for inspiring me to continue it. This makes me feel so much better and it's one of the only places that I can just release things and be free.
Still no tears, I can feel them screaming inside of me to come out. They just sit in my eyes and tease me with release. They make me feel like writing a poem. I sit here and wonder how I got to where I am, so many things seem like a blur. I believe that those are the times that I just sit inside myself and watch what my body will do with what it is given. I know what I'm capable of, I know how great I can be, I know how smart I am, and I know how quickly I can learn things, yet I am this emotional creature that can't control my emotions as I should be able to. I'm very logical, I know how things should be, I know what I should do, it just seems like my body isn't my own sometimes. I just wish...so much.
Playlist -
Rasputina - Transylvanian Concubine
STP - Wet Myself
Flys - Got You Where I Want You
Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Guns N Roses - Patience
Finger 11 - One Thing
Lenny Kravitz - Again
Motley Crue - Without You
Nikka Costa - Push And Pull
Posion - Every Rose Has It's Thorn
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Sarah McLachlan - Full Of Grace
Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be
Cibo Matto - Sugar Water
posted by Angel Remer at 6:46 PM
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