Here I am

So here I am after so long...With once again so much to say and no idea where to start. Well I guess I'll start with my biggest stress, I'm on probation for two years and that totally sucks, but it is a much better alternative to jail. I have to do Anger management which is just funny, I'm so not an angry person, I'm just a little bitchy. Ok well sometimes a little is an overstatement, I can be very bitchy lol. Anyway, I also had to take parenting classes and I went to the first one today...I knew everything that was taught except like 2 things. It's like people aren't allowed to make mistakes...I'm not out to hurt anyone and I never have been. I just wish people wouldn't jump to the conclusion that I'm some horrible mean person. Most of the time this judgment is come to because, like everyone else, I pretend to be badder than I really am. Straight up, honest truth (as long as you wont tell anyone ;)) I'm a big sap, but in my experiences if your a sap you get "spit on and kicked and shit" (in the words of the lyrical genius Eminem). I know I shouldn't have my walls so thick or so high, but just like everyone else in this world I'm sick of being hurt and I'm an asshole instead. I try not to be, I wish people would judge me by my actions and not my words...my husband is a big culprit of that, he thinks I'm some cold hearted chick about most shit, but I'm not. I may say I don't care, but I really do. I pretend I don't listen, but I really do. I should be working more on this issue, but currently I'm trying to deal with my stress in a healthy way...REALLY HARD TO DO btw. Also because of my probation I have to stop smoking pot, yay let's take away another way for me to be calm. My anxiety is taking hold of me more and more all the time. I fought so hard to get it under control and this whole ordeal (probation and such) has made it like flare up into a raging beast that won't be calmed. Pot helped a lot with that, yeah, well, I know it's illegal and I shouldn't have been doing it anyway, but I'm a weak human and I would rather smoke that then deal with the anxiety. You wouldn't think a simple feeling could exhaust and hurt so much...well maybe you would, but I didn't. It hurts to shake so much and just feels like a rising volcano burst in my chest. I believe that is when it hits the panic attack state, not really sure I haven't researched it or anything. I guess it's just hard to understand if you don't have it. It sucks straight up, if you don't have it you REALLY don't want it, trust me on that. Oi, this is why I don't post much, because I have SOOO much to day that I'm just all over the place every time I do. Oh well It's my blog and if you don't like it...well...don't read it...ha...yeah. Not like anyone reads it anyway. I'm ok with that, I just need to talk to something. Well I'm gonna go pay bills now, but I'll post again later.

Playlist:
Beyonce - Naughty Girl
Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
Eminem - Ass Like That
Snoop Dogg - The Bidness
D12 - My Band