Life

I’ve discovered that a big part of the reason that I don’t post often is that I don’t know how to start my post. After I start it things usually just come to me, mostly because I have a lot on my mind and it’s easier to get it out if I’m typing it. I have such a hard time trying to put things into words sometimes. My life is at a very hard point right now. I’m faced with so many things and I feel my grip on things starting to slip. I so badly want to follow Jesus’s way, but it is so hard sometimes. I’m faced with all these things and one big transition that I’m trying to make is being married and needing to rely on someone who I’m not bonded with by blood. To better explain, for all my life I have depended on two people. My aunt, Cindy, and my mother. Now I’m supposed to move on and depend on my husband. I love him with all my heart and he is the most wonderful man I have ever met, but I’m having a hard time letting go of the way things used to be. I know if Erik were here right now, he would tell me to just let go, but it is easier said than done. I admire his ability to just do something. He doesn’t mess around when it comes to something he needs to change he just does it. I know the Lord has made him that way, so really I guess once again it is the Lord that I admire. I don’t think I’m listening to the Lord the way that I should be. Having Jesus in my heart isn’t supposed to be this saddening. Well let me clarify that, it’s not that Jesus being in my life is saddening it’s that the events in my life are saddening and I seem to not have the strength to over come them. I’m really praying that I’ll get this job at Wal-Mart. I need to see how much of a blessing that second chance will be. There is no way that I can mess this one up with the Lord by my side. I’ve asked Cindy to come over after work and I really hope that she can. I’m probably not helping matters by having her come over, but I think it’s my best option right now. I’ll tell ya I’m having THE hardest time resisting smoking pot right now. Well I just called Wal-Mart and it would seem that Cindy hasn’t left yet, so that is a good thing, that means that she isn’t at home sleeping as I feared she would be. I can’t even think about Cindy going to hell. OH PLEASE LORD LET ME SAVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I can have nothing else, let it be her salvation. Ahh, good old KoRn always does the trick, those beats and his voice are the perfect combination for my ears. For some reason whenever I hear KoRn I always feel at least a little bit better. It sure is taking me an awful long time to type this. Of course there is a lot of reflection time involved. I hope I can meet Jonathan Davis someday. Although I’m not so sure that I want to. I mean what if he is an asshole, what then. Will his music still have the same effect on me?? Hhhmmm, that is a mind boggler, probably best not to think about it right now. Praise the LORD!!! Cinny just texted me back and said she would be over. I should probably turn the radio down. I really hope this helps. I may be making it sound like Chris isn’t being a help through any of this, but truth be told most of the time he is my saving grace, besides the Lord of course. He has been so good to me. I’m not sure that anyone else could be as great as frustrated right now. He gets frusterated with me some times, but if I were him I probably would have killed me by now. He truly is patient and kind. He says that he doesn’t deserve me, but sometimes I think it may be the other way around. However if we didn’t deserve each other I don’t think the Lord would have blessed our wedding as much as he did. I really want to get the new album that KoRn put out. It’s a greatest hits album and it has a couple of new songs on it, so I really want to check that out. I feel bad though, because I know that when Cindy comes over I’m going to cry and I know that that will only make her worry even more and the last thing Cinny needs is more things to worry about. I can’t keep things bottled up inside though. I would cry on Chris, but he just thinks I’m crazy, which is ok, I don’t expect him to understand what’s going on, I don’t even think I know what’s going on. Well this may very well be the longest post that I have ever put on here. Man I’m so glad Cheryl told mgratefulthis place. THANK YOU CHERYL!! I’m greatful to have people that care about me around. Everyone I know loves me so much. It really is wonderful. The Lord has blessed my life so greatly. Cindy is probably tired, I really shouldn’t keep her long I need to keep that in mind. I get to go grocery shopping with my mom today. That will be really nice. I haven’t spent anytime with her for a while. Well I have spent a little bit of time with her, but it hasn’t really been anything much an hour or two here and there. I hate how when I have the music really loud I keep hearing things, like the door opening and other such sounds. It really sucks because I have to keep turning my music down. Seeing Cindy’s face makes me cry. I think it’s a mixture of her going to hell (possibly *crosses fingers*) and knowing that she wont always be here. That really kills me. On a different note, I’m second in command in the guild on neopets which is really cool, I like that a lot. I’ve worked pretty hard for the guild and it makes me really happy to see it go some where. Well I guess I really should go now, Cindy will be here soon hopefully and I’m thirsty, so until next time.

Blog Tract List (In other words the songs I listened to while typing this):
The Supertones - Jesus Lover Of My Soul
Nikka Costa - Push And Pull
Modest Mouse - Roll On
Pearl Jam - Black
Not Sure Who It’s By – Got You Where I Want You
Trapt – Echo
Not Sure Again – If I Traded It All
KoRn - Thoughtless
KoRn – Counting On Me
KoRn – Ass Itch
KoRn – Counting
KoRn - Divine