Uneventful

Well today was very uneventful, I went to wal-mart to get some things and that was about it, the rest of the time I just watched tv, took a nap, and now I'm here. I don't really have anything to do here except post, so I guess I'll be offline after this...Not much of any excitement minus the bat incident has happened lately. I just seem to be getting more and more depressed with each passing day. It made me a little happier that these are Chris's days off, but we have nothing to do with them. The only things that I want to do he isn't interested in and the things that he wants to do I'm not interested in. It's easier when we have extra money, because we can agree on movies and places to go do things at, but when it comes to doing free at home/near home things there never seems to be anything. The park that I am near is in one of the baddest parts of town, so I don't really want to go there, and there really isn't much else to enjoy in this stupid town without a car, so I am stuck, as always, right where I am. I wish I had listened to everyone and never gotten any credit cards, however they have all served a helpful purpose. One of them I need to have for vet bills, and the other two were used when Chris wasn't making very much money and we needed things. I mean it is good that we had them, but the debt is just killing us. We can't afford a car at all, because there is no way that we could make the car payment let alone an insurrance payment. That is SO depressing, you really have no idea. I feel like an enormous burden to my friends and family...well just my family I guess you would say because I don't really have many friends. I always need a ride some where and I always have to ask them for it. I always feel like people think I am useless and foolish. It really hurts to feel that way, but I just can't make myself stop for some reason. I'll stop for a while, but then I get depressed and it's right back the way it was. I hate this horrible depression, but I'm finding it easier and easier to put on that happy face for everyone and pretend like I'm ok. I'm making steps in the right direction in my life and I should be happy, I mean I just took my TABE test for my GED and of 3 scores 2 of them were perfect. I'm gonna be going to college soon (hopefully) and I'll be doing what I want to do, so I once again should be happy, but it seems like everything is hopeless and everyone hates me. THEN of course when I tell people how I feel they no longer tell me how they really feel so that they don't hurt my feelings, but unbeknownst them I can feel their lies and I know they aren't telling me the truth which only makes me more suspicious of them liking me. I feel this way about MY OWN FAMILY!! I know I'm crazy, I want it to stop I really do, I also happen to know that I am the only one that can stop it. That makes things even more frustrating because I can't do it right now and I have no idea why. I'm very good at controlling my emotions and keeping things in check, but for some reason in the last 2 or 3 months things have been different.

I feel a HUGE part of a lot of my issues is Erik. He is gone again, because of alcohol I have lost my best friend in the whole world. I miss him SOOOOO much, I know that is part of my depression. I wish he would stop drinking and realize what he has done to himself and everyone around him. I promised him I would never leave his life and I won't. If he comes back I'll be here, I just wish he would already. I can't help but blame myself for it even though I didn't make him leave he was just being an angry drunk and left. Told me I was dead to him. He never wanted to speak to me again.....I miss him tremendously. He was my mentor, my friend, and my brother in God. I'm so helpless and empty in bringing him to his senses. I'm so worried that he will get hurt some how and I wont even know it. I have been thinking about calling his mom and asking her to keep me posted if anything goes seriously wrong with him. I think I may, however if he finds out he will be furious. Not like he doesn't hate me already, so I guess really what's the harm.

So things are not so happy with me lately, but I guess that's nothing out of the ordinary. I guess trying just isn't enough any more.

Playlist -
The Used - All That I've Got
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Poison - Every Rose Has It's Thorn
Trapt - Echo