Oddity

I don’t know where to start yet again. School is going good and I’m still a 4.0 student, which is great and I’m happy for that. If only one thing could be enough to keep me happy all the days of my life, if not all, at least most.

My heart is broken yet again and I feel like I’m sitting in a room on the top floor of an old factory sitting on my knees wondering where everything went and how I can get it back. Can you ever find a way to trust someone who keeps breaking your trust? I want to let all the pain inside me out, but I don’t know how. I wish I could do something without criticizing it every step of the way. I can’t draw, I can’t write a story, and I can’t play an instrument. I feel so empty and lost and lonely. I feel like I have all these people that love me, but I can’t be completely open with any of them. Not even my own fucking husband. How do you let your guard down? How do you open up? I want to tell him all my feelings everything that hurts me and I just want him to understand and comfort me. Hold me and tell me that he loves me and everything will be ok, but then, then I want his actions to prove that he means those words his says.

Again I come back to wondering about everything in my life. Sitting here pondering the plans that there are for me. How often do I shape these plans and not even know it? A good question to be sure.

I’m having a hard time focusing currently, so this will be a rather sporadic post. I think it’s interesting how some things can only be explained as “that’s God”. Like Erik, friends have come and gone in my life time after time and I remember them, but nothing ever like this. I don’t get into strangers cars, but I got into his that one night. “If not me then someone else.” Yeah but the thing that you don’t get is that it HAD to be you, because He chose you. I feel so fucking empty. I need a best friend. Someone to confide in. I would confide in this one person I talk to every now and then, but they are immature and flighty, I need wisdom that I don’t already have. Everyone in my life has a clear judgment of me already, so when I say something it will get taken as how they think it would fit it with the personality that they have labeled me with. This isn’t derogatory it’s just what every basic human being does. We study how someone functions subconsciously, so when they act a certain way, we have it registered as to why they are acting that way. This sucks. I do it everyone does, but it sucks.

I want people to listen; I want someone who actually fucking cares enough to MAKE time for me when I need them. Chris would take almost everything I said to him as a personal attack on him, since I rarely have any other human contact on a daily basis. I guess I just don’t feel very important to anyone. No one has made me feel important in a really long time. This is actually an important realization that I am coming to right now, it explains a lot and answers a few questions.

Interruptions scatter my brain. I need to get going and stay going in order to figure anything out. One thing that really makes me wonder. If you could read the things that your significant other is thinking and going through, sometimes secretly, wouldn’t you? I know that I would.

I don’t really know what to say sometimes other than, I’m hurting. There aren’t always words to describe how I feel inside. One thing that I was taught when I was younger is the phrase “use your words”. Well the one thing that I wasn’t taught was, what do I do when there aren’t any words to use. I often feel like Buffy did at the finale of season 3. She said to Giles that right now everything is “tree pretty, fire bad.” I can definitely relate to that.

Good/Bad news: KoRn is coming to the Lewiston Civic Center on March 26th, and I probably won’t be able to go even though I want to go so bad. That would be so ultimate! Seeing Jonathan right here in my own town. $45 a ticket and I need to get 2. I said to Chris earlier, “I hope I win a pair of tickets from CYY.” Yeah, cause I win stuff all the time. I can’t even remember the last time I won anything. I got $25 off a $1 scratch ticket the other day and I’m afraid that that was the extent of my ability to win anything. There is a reason that I don’t play the lottery folks.

When I think about the things that I have in my life, I feel like an asshole for being sad. I’m so very fortunate and I know it, but still I’m sad. What kind of shape would I be in if I didn’t have half the support I do? Or half the everything I have? I don’t honestly think that is a place that I ever want to go, mostly because I don’t think I’d be the same when I came back. If I ever did.

People can go about their lives happy and content, why can’t I? “Well it must be because you don’t try.” Oh yes that must be it, I’m just a whiny little bitch who doesn’t try. I’ll admit, I give up briefly, for a day or an hour, but never much more than that. I always try, I try so fucking hard it hurts. I think I will eventually die of a heart attack. I should be in shape just by dealing with the sheer amount of stress my mind creates for me. It’s so very exhausting. I bet Chris thinks I’m an idiot when he comes home from working and I’ve been studying all night and I tell him I’m exhausted. I stress so much, I’ve read a book, a couple dozen web sites and I still have no way to stop. I try, but I think, I think way too much about everything. Over analyzing every little thing that happens in my life. I think I’m gonna take a day, not next week because I have mid-terms, but maybe the week after, and I’m gonna read all the entries I have ever put into this damn blog and see how much of a retard I sound like. I’m sure I repeat myself a lot, but this has been rather plaguing for some time now.

I find myself watching other people more often, and they are a pretty even mixture of happy and sad. Like in the mall, looking at the faces of the people that I see walk by, some are laughing, some are somewhere else in their own little realm that they have created to feel safe, or happy, or something. I wonder about their lives. What they eat, where they live, what they do in their spare time, whether or not they have spare time. I wonder a lot.

I’m strong, but I constantly feel like a weak little mouse under the paw of a large cat. Drool dripping off his lips as he eyeballs his lunch, me crouched beneath his enormous paw. I’m a little more than a quarter (statistically speaking) through my life and I’m already madder than all of wonderland. When you type crazy into the thesaurus, oh wonder of wonders that it is, you get 3 main words; wild, foolish, and outrageous. I’m none of those things, so am I really crazy? Even more interesting the definition for insane is: legally considered as psychiatrically disordered; lacking reasonable thought. Well I don’t lack reasonable thought, so I mustn’t be insane. When you type insane into the Word thesaurus, which I am using, you get nothing. When you type insane into the thesaurus.com you get: batty, bizarre, bonkers, cracked, crackers, crazed, crazy, cuckoo, daft, demented, derailed, deranged, fatuous, frenzied, gone, half-cocked, idiotic, impractical, irrational, irresponsible, loony, lunatic, mad, maniacal, mental, moonstruck, nuts, nutty, paranoid, preposterous, psychopathic, psychotic, rabid, raging, raving, schizo, schizophrenic, screwy, senseless, stupid, touched, unglued, unhinged, unsettled, unzipped, whacko, wild. I don’t identify with any of these words except maybe bizarre, since I am indeed.

I need to read, I need more time, and I need to be loved. I know these things for certain, but that is about all right now. I know how I feel about other people, but not myself. I don’t hate myself, but I wish I knew what the heck was going on in my head sometimes. Even half the time would be really great.

I feel…

Sheryl Crow – My Favorite Mistake
Johnny Cash – Hurt
Nikka Costa – Push and Pull
Flys – Got You Where I Want You
Sarah McLachlan – Angel
Sarah McLachlan – Full of Grace
Creed – One Last Breath
Hoobastank – The Reason
Motley Crue – Without You
NIN – Only
Sarah Mclachlan – I Love You
Sarah Mclachlan – I’ll Take Your Breath Away

What The Fuck

I'm getting really fucking sick of people thinking that having Severe Anxiety is easy and I can just stop it whenever I want to. I'm also really sick of people thinking that I'm lazy because I need to get a specific job that I wont have a fucking attack at every day. Attacks are very draining and very difficult to deal with, they make my depression flare up really bad and they are really not good for my mind or my body. Medication may very well help, but it wont solve the fucking problem. Medication solves chemical imbalances in the brain NOT psychological shit and if it does solve psychological shit it isn't a "solution" it is a temporary shut off switch for what ever your fucking issue is. I'm trying to do what I think is right and permanently solve my problem and that makes me a lazy asshole. Well you know what, fuck you. Fuck all your bullshit because your problems must not exist either. Every one is different and different things work for everyone. Just because something works for you doesn't mean that it works for me AND it doesn't mean that I'm a shmuck for not doing it. I've been on meds, many times and as soon as they are gone, the problem comes right back all over again, sometimes worse, sometimes the same. I thought it was a good thing that I knew I needed help. I thought it was good that I admitted that I need to see someone so that I can figure out why I'm afraid of this world, and why my body shakes and I cry uncontrollably when I'm in an anxious situation. Apparently this is not the case, apparently I'm supposed to have attacks and pretend that the problem isn't there until it is so bad that I actually go 100% certified insane and have to locked up in an institution wearing a fucking straight jacket because I can't even think rationally any more. A friend of mine once said that trying means nothing, only results and action mean something. Maybe he was right, maybe my efforts are shit until they produce something, but when everyone keeps stepping on me and I have to keep getting up and brushing off, that kind of takes away from me being able to try and being able to get the results. The world IS against me, the world looks down on poor people with mental problems, I'm fighting against odds that keep piling up and then I get told I'm wrong? Should I lay down and die? Should I accept the fact that I'm poor and live off the state for the rest of my life, so I can fit into my demographic? Well I think that I should try, and that I should fight, and that I should crawl and dig my way out of the demographic that I have been buried in. I will not be poor forever, and I will not live in a place where I have a chance to be beaten, shot, raped, or mugged just because I decided to walk down a street today, or because I live in one of the badder parts of town since I can't afford to live any where else.

I think maybe the worse part of all of this is that I need to accept help from a person who feels this way about me and my choices. I'm sick of all of this shit, and the efforts I make being nothing to everyone.

*Note - This rant is not directed towards anyone inparticular.*

Bro

It's like losing a Bug but I lost an Icky.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Well school has started up again and it has been taking up most of my time as usual. This term is going to be harder than last term because I have 3 classes and there is a lot to cover. I had to get a part time job to try and cover some school costs because it doesn't look like the loan is going to go through, so that pretty much stinks. I already have to spend 50 to 60 hours a week on school work and now I have to work an additional 20 hours which is now more than what Chris does. It really sucks because while he is playing his games on the computer I'll be sitting on mine doing work. You wouldn't think that filling out surveys for money is work, but I assure you after the first 15 it starts to be very boring and taxing. Oh well if it means that I can finish school, I'm down with it.

My classes for this term are College Writing I, College Algebra I, and Introduction to Graphic Design which I am very much looking forward too. I have my first assignment already and it seems kinda fun, I have to draw a bunch of lines, I know that may sound dumb, but it's the way that I have to do it that is fun. I know I sound like a dumb ass as usual, but ya know I'm caring less and less. I'm making a transition and I'm not sure which way it's going to go. Chris is having some drama of his own and I know that I will get stuck being the one that has to be strong even though I always have more shit on my plate. It may seem to him like the stuff he has is more serious, but I really don't see how, I don't know it's a subject I tend to avoid because it just pisses me off.

So on another note my emotional annoyances have been acting up again and totally pissing me off. I've been blubbering and panicking and whining, and apparently bitching. Bitter? What? No. I just don't know a lot of things any more. I've been thinking a lot about Erik lately and whether or not I should be sad, glad, mad or insane. I'm very confused. I'd like to express my feelings, but I have no one that will comfort me the way I want to be and no one who will listen that isn't involved. I could accept comforting and involved, but there is none of that either. Chris just isn't very sensitive when I open up to him, he thinks I'm some sort of rock that won't break I think. I will though, and I feel as though I might. Its like I'm sitting inside myself feeling the way I do while my flesh walks around and portrays something that people want to see, or that I think people need to see. I don't know, but there isn't anyone that I can be me with. I can be mostly me, but not me, I don't even think I have ever been all me, which of course brings up the question how the hell do I know who me is if I've never been it? Well fuck, who knows. I know that I feel trapped, stifled, and I feel like some how it's all my fault. Cryptic? Yes.

My anxiety feels like it's slowly eating away parts of my rational brain which is insane because I pride myself on being a decently rational person. I don;t know how I would take it if I wasn't for a long period of time. I know how silly my anxiety seems, believe me it infuriates me that something so stupid could consume my mind. I don't have multiple personality disorder, but I sure feel like more than one person sometimes. "Well see a doctor, take some meds." Yet when I was smoking pot to help it I was doing something bad and horrible... I don't care if it is suppose to CAUSE anxiety, all I know is that it helped. Pot is gone, Erik is gone, Whatever life I had is gone. I have school, and work. Not much else. There is Chris, but I wonder if that will end. I have feelings, bad ones, and I think that they are more than just nausea. In my pit where my heart knows what is hiding it aches it throbs and it tells me of little baddies to come. Not always so little. Anywho, I have bitched rather long enough, since that is what I do, I bitch. Bitter? What? No.

Only - NIN

The lyrics to this song have been edited as they apply to me.

I'm becoming less defined as days go by,
fading away,
well you might say I'm losing focus,
kind of drifting into the abstract,
in terms of how I see myself,
sometimes I think I can see right through myself,
sometimes I can see right through myself,

less concerned about fitting into the world,
your world that is,
cuz it doesn't really matter anymore,
no it doesn't really matter anymore,
none of this really matters anymore,

yes I am alone,
but then again I always was,
as far back as I can tell I think maybe it's because,
because you were never really real to begin with,
I just made you up to hurt myself,
yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself,
and it worked,
yes it did,

there is no you there is only me,
there is no fucking you there is only me,

well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab,
and I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone,
picking at the scab,
there is a doorway trying to seal itself shut,
but I climbed through,
now I am somewhere I'm not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see,
and now I know why, now,
now I know why things aren't as pretty on the inside,

there is no you there is only me,
there is no fucking you there is only me...