Emotion

What happens when you really fall in love? Where does your rational mind go? Where does your rational thought go? I’m in love. I’m deeply, with no words to describe in love. I hate it. I hate being in love, I hate relying on someone else. I hate not being able to comfort myself with kind words and sweet lies. Now I need truth from my lover. I need to know he is still in love with me; I need to know he is still 100% with me. I can’t stand it. It’s killing me here, being in love and not knowing where it’s going to take me. I can only imagine where life is going from here and with the way my imagination works it’s not so good. I’m not ungrateful for my love, I just don’t know if it’s something I would have taken on. I know how crazy that sounds, but first, let me explain. I have no idea why or how I got married. Marriage wasn’t something I would have EVER considered about 5 years ago, but now, look where I am. I’m thankful and glad to have Chris, but if I can’t make him happy, how worth it is my own happiness. I’ll tell you, my own happiness means a lot less than his does. I’m so fucking confused. I have no idea what’s going on any more. I just know that I have these horribly strong feelings to be with this man as much as I can, and given our current situation that is one of the worst things I could possibly want right now. I want to be with him so much, and he doesn’t really want to be with me at all, not a fact of course, but a theory, a feeling. I would give up my everything for him, and yet I mean a lot yes, but still at a marginal fraction. I’m so confused. I want help, I want to know where I’m at, but I don’t. It seems like he has said so many words that all I can base my feelings on is his actions and as of late they aren’t so loving. Things are different somehow.

Quizy Goodness

1.How tall are you barefoot?
5' 10"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Absolutely not

3. Do you own a gun?
Never will

4. What was the last DVD you watched?
Buffy Season 2 Disc 1

5. Would you ever "do" someone in their parents bed?
Why not

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
if there is cheese involved I'm down

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Not a fan really, but I like Wizards in Winter

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Whatever's available

9. Do you do push-ups?
Occasionally >:)

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
Noppers

11. Are you vegan?
Must have MEAT!!!

12. Do you like painkillers?
Depends, am I in pain?

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
If I tell you it wouldn't be a secret

14. Do you own a knife?
Several

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Perhaps

16. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
Oh sweet, sweet pain

17. Top 3 thoughts at this moment
1. Nicken Chuggets
2. Why do people keep making these quizes?
3. I'm just going through the motions

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
1. Cat food
2. Eye Shadow
3. Sunkist

19. Name three drinks you regularly drink:
1. Pepsi
2. Vodka
3. Orange Soda

20. What time did you wake up today?
3:30PM

21. Current hair?
black and long

22. Current worry?
Bills as usual

23. Current hate?
My current situation

24. Favorite places to be?
1) Monmouth
2) Out with friends
3) In my own head

25. Least favorite place to be?
My apartment, alone

26. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere

27. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
Whatever I feel like

28. What do you think you'll be doing in 5 years?
working as a web designer and loving my new house

29. Do you burn or tan?
neither, I like keeping it white as possible

30. Last thing you ate?
buffalo chicken chunks in alfredo noodles with corn and mashed potatoes

31. Would you be a pirate?
Sure

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Two days ago

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
A song my friend wrote

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Gremlins

35. What's in your pockets right now?
If I had pockets I would tell you

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Buffy, well Xander to be exact

37. Best bed sheets did you have as a child?
Garfield!

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Broken heart, corny I know

39. What are your dreams like?
Painful and scary

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Me

42. Who is your most silent friend?
What's a silent friend?

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I hope so

44. Do you wish on stars?
Depends on my mood

45. What is your favorite book?
Books of Blood by Clive Barker, or maybe Darkfall by Dean Koontz

46. What is your favorite candy?
Reeses Peanut Butter Cup

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Forever and Ever Amen by Randy Travis

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't want a funeral, just put me in the ground

49. What were you doing at 12 last night?
Sitting in my kitchen doing school work

50. Do you miss someone right now?
More than I would like to

Things

Just because I like to have a couple of drinks I apparently become this horribly different fool just because I get upset about the normal shit that I get upset about. I was saying something and then I was being ignored, so how is it that I can be accused of "just being drunk" when I get upset about being ignored. Oh my look at me being all fucking horrible. I don't know what to think about the people in my life. How can I be a fool and be acceptable? I don't like being a fool and I don't ever want to be a fool, so I don't think that people really like me when I am a fool. Just because I am the kind of person that doesn't like being wasteful, I'm going to finish the rest of my vodka and that is it, I'm not going to drink any more unless my friends want me to drink with them. I don't want to be a fool or act a fool, but now, since I've been placed as "drunk" no one wants to talk to me any more. Life is this.