Emotion

What happens when you really fall in love? Where does your rational mind go? Where does your rational thought go? I’m in love. I’m deeply, with no words to describe in love. I hate it. I hate being in love, I hate relying on someone else. I hate not being able to comfort myself with kind words and sweet lies. Now I need truth from my lover. I need to know he is still in love with me; I need to know he is still 100% with me. I can’t stand it. It’s killing me here, being in love and not knowing where it’s going to take me. I can only imagine where life is going from here and with the way my imagination works it’s not so good. I’m not ungrateful for my love, I just don’t know if it’s something I would have taken on. I know how crazy that sounds, but first, let me explain. I have no idea why or how I got married. Marriage wasn’t something I would have EVER considered about 5 years ago, but now, look where I am. I’m thankful and glad to have Chris, but if I can’t make him happy, how worth it is my own happiness. I’ll tell you, my own happiness means a lot less than his does. I’m so fucking confused. I have no idea what’s going on any more. I just know that I have these horribly strong feelings to be with this man as much as I can, and given our current situation that is one of the worst things I could possibly want right now. I want to be with him so much, and he doesn’t really want to be with me at all, not a fact of course, but a theory, a feeling. I would give up my everything for him, and yet I mean a lot yes, but still at a marginal fraction. I’m so confused. I want help, I want to know where I’m at, but I don’t. It seems like he has said so many words that all I can base my feelings on is his actions and as of late they aren’t so loving. Things are different somehow.