Sick and Miserable
I sit here with my heart in my hands and I wonder, "where do we go from here?". I heard one of the scariest thing I will probably ever hear today. Chris gave me doubt, he said that he doesn't know what the future holds when I asked him if he was going to leave me. So here I am, stunned, heart in hand, and searching my mind for an answer, a solution, something, ANYTHING. My councilor told me to leave it alone and see what happens, but what do I do until whatever happens, happens? How do I cope, how do I smile, how do I live?
I did a pretty good job faking it today, took a lot out of me along with the sickness and all. I have some throat and head thing. Totally sucks and I'm all set for it to go away now. I was finally able to borrow some money from my gram today to get more meds since we were out, so I've been taking those. I could barely wait for the 6 hour mark that meant I could take some more. I've also got cough drops and ginger ale, ya always have to have the ginger ale. If you get sick, that is the first thing my gram will ask you, "you been drinking ginger ale?"
I want to cry, but I can feel the bricks building, I can feel the mortar slapping. I have no strength to tear it down, especially not one as new as this. I feel like I've been going on empty for so long I want to collapse and sleep forever. I think my head was ready for the wall, I've already purchased the bricks, mixed up the mortar and kept it moist for this day. Course with all these feelings it doesn't help that my head feels like it's floating a foot above my body with all the gross sickness inside it. I've been praying, hoping. I'm so scared. I don't know why he just can't understand. The guilt is not my fault, I try to be as supportive as possible while being sad all at the same time. I remember the day that he said he would leave me cause he couldn't handle it...it was beautiful in the end, we cried and cried and held each other for so long just telling each other that we loved the other more than life. He decided then that he would handle it because he loved me to much to live without me. I guess things change. I guess feelings can develop that weren't there before, I still love him more than all the words in any language or in any dictionary around the world. Nothing could ever possibly describe this love I have, I never thought it was possible, I thought it was a thing of fairy tales and myths, but here it is, in my heart.
The heart that I hold in my hand. It's still beating right now, but it's wavering. Should I try some duct tape? Just to hold it together, keep the pieces there, so it will continue to beat. Again I wonder, and more frantically than ever search for the answer to the question, "how do you live without your love?" I suppose it's good that there wasn't an actual fight this time, but maybe there should have been. I really don't know a whole lot right now. I've taken a serious blow to the head and I think I have a concussion. I find that words are getting harder to form and harder to compile into a complete sentence.
Where do we go from here?
I did a pretty good job faking it today, took a lot out of me along with the sickness and all. I have some throat and head thing. Totally sucks and I'm all set for it to go away now. I was finally able to borrow some money from my gram today to get more meds since we were out, so I've been taking those. I could barely wait for the 6 hour mark that meant I could take some more. I've also got cough drops and ginger ale, ya always have to have the ginger ale. If you get sick, that is the first thing my gram will ask you, "you been drinking ginger ale?"
I want to cry, but I can feel the bricks building, I can feel the mortar slapping. I have no strength to tear it down, especially not one as new as this. I feel like I've been going on empty for so long I want to collapse and sleep forever. I think my head was ready for the wall, I've already purchased the bricks, mixed up the mortar and kept it moist for this day. Course with all these feelings it doesn't help that my head feels like it's floating a foot above my body with all the gross sickness inside it. I've been praying, hoping. I'm so scared. I don't know why he just can't understand. The guilt is not my fault, I try to be as supportive as possible while being sad all at the same time. I remember the day that he said he would leave me cause he couldn't handle it...it was beautiful in the end, we cried and cried and held each other for so long just telling each other that we loved the other more than life. He decided then that he would handle it because he loved me to much to live without me. I guess things change. I guess feelings can develop that weren't there before, I still love him more than all the words in any language or in any dictionary around the world. Nothing could ever possibly describe this love I have, I never thought it was possible, I thought it was a thing of fairy tales and myths, but here it is, in my heart.
The heart that I hold in my hand. It's still beating right now, but it's wavering. Should I try some duct tape? Just to hold it together, keep the pieces there, so it will continue to beat. Again I wonder, and more frantically than ever search for the answer to the question, "how do you live without your love?" I suppose it's good that there wasn't an actual fight this time, but maybe there should have been. I really don't know a whole lot right now. I've taken a serious blow to the head and I think I have a concussion. I find that words are getting harder to form and harder to compile into a complete sentence.
Where do we go from here?
posted by Angel Remer at 12:05 PM
1 Comments:
Hang in there kiddo. You two have had a long rough road. Guess there are still a few frost heaves in the way. You do have support. If you need to talk, or hang out, or whatever, call. Love ya.
Post a Comment
<< Home