Thoughts Unexpressed
I have been thinking a lot lately. Not that that is any different than the usual, but anyway. I have been thinking about a lot of different things that are wrong with the world and how they got that way. I have come up with some really great ideas and theories, but I never have time to post them on here so I tend to forget most of them. I wish I had more time to post period. School keeps me so busy I just can't find the time to fit this in along with everything else that I do everyday. That will be changing for a month though. Starting at 2am Monday morning I am no longer stuck in classes all night. I have an entire month off! I go back to school on January 10th and boy will that be fun. That was my standard characteristic sarcasm by the way. I'm hoping that I can utilize this month to get done all the chores that have fallen behind and find some time to relax. I'm also going to try and reinvest myself emotionally in school. I've been working so hard at it for so long that I'm getting a bit burnt out. I'm really hoping that this month is all I'm going to need to get back into the swing of things where I actually wanted to get my homework done. I'm putting off homework to make this very post in fact.
Christmas is right around the corner and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm going out to my mom's Christmas Eve morningish and coming home Christmas evening. I'm glad about spending so much time with Mom, Bug, Tony, and Chris. I miss them and I don't get to see them very much so it will be nice. I, of course, get to see Chris the most, but he works so much that it doesn't seem like I see him at all. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.
These long lonely nights are getting worse and worse. I find myself randomly crying for no apparent reason whatsoever. I've been going to Wal-Mart a lot and wasting TONS of time that way. I know I should really just suck it up and stay here and get stuff done, but it sucks being alone most of the time. I have no idea how people can handle this. I guess maybe if you were raised that way then it would be easier, but I wasn't. I ALWAYS had someone around me, I was rarely ever alone. It was that way when I lived with Cin too. There were times that sucked cause I had to wait for her to get up cause I was still on a day schedule, but it was never really bad. Now it's like I'm alone all the time. Pretty much from 9:15pm until between 7:00 and 8:00am every day except for Monday. I get to see Cin and hang out with Beck and stuff, but it still seems like it's every single day.
Other than the severe loneliness and financial issues, I'm doing pretty ok. Things between Chris and I are really great and I think we have finally gotten our communication down pat. The more I look around me the more I see that communication really is the number one problem in most relationships. I know it was ours. I've been trying really hard to tell Chris how I'm feeling all the time, but sometimes I don't even know why I'm feeling a way that I am, so I usually try to wait until I know more about it. It doesn't really make much sense to me to tell someone that there is something wrong, but not be able to tell them what it is that is wrong. Although there are times when that is appropriate. We laugh a lot which is really nice. I'm still scared though. He keeps meaning more and more to me everyday and I don't know how to deal with it at times. I've never cared for anyone like this so it makes it difficult. That's another reason why I'm trying to make sure to tell him everything. I'm hoping that if he has all the information than we can figure this out together.
I've been feeling kind of neglected and unspecial lately, but we got to the most of the bottom of that. There are still some things that I need to figure out on my own, but I'm hopeful. It was mostly my own head being mean to me like it usually is. Telling me stuff that isn't true. Plus another thing that contributed to it is the fact that I feel my love growing and stuff, but I am clueless to Chris's feelings unless he tells me. I have such a hard time with trust. People lie so often that I have a hard time believing things that people say without checking them out. I even did some research on the earth being round the other day because it was brought to my attention that I didn't "know" that. I had just been told it by someone of authority so I believed it. My critical and creative thinking class has been really great for learning how to analyze things. It had really helped me to look at some things in myself and change them. I'm also in the process of analyzing my values and beliefs, hence the deep thought of today's problems.
Well I'm very hopeful that Chris will be home within the next half hour, so I'm going to go get some more school work done. I really hope to post more soon, but who knows with all the crap I have to do.
Christmas is right around the corner and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm going out to my mom's Christmas Eve morningish and coming home Christmas evening. I'm glad about spending so much time with Mom, Bug, Tony, and Chris. I miss them and I don't get to see them very much so it will be nice. I, of course, get to see Chris the most, but he works so much that it doesn't seem like I see him at all. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.
These long lonely nights are getting worse and worse. I find myself randomly crying for no apparent reason whatsoever. I've been going to Wal-Mart a lot and wasting TONS of time that way. I know I should really just suck it up and stay here and get stuff done, but it sucks being alone most of the time. I have no idea how people can handle this. I guess maybe if you were raised that way then it would be easier, but I wasn't. I ALWAYS had someone around me, I was rarely ever alone. It was that way when I lived with Cin too. There were times that sucked cause I had to wait for her to get up cause I was still on a day schedule, but it was never really bad. Now it's like I'm alone all the time. Pretty much from 9:15pm until between 7:00 and 8:00am every day except for Monday. I get to see Cin and hang out with Beck and stuff, but it still seems like it's every single day.
Other than the severe loneliness and financial issues, I'm doing pretty ok. Things between Chris and I are really great and I think we have finally gotten our communication down pat. The more I look around me the more I see that communication really is the number one problem in most relationships. I know it was ours. I've been trying really hard to tell Chris how I'm feeling all the time, but sometimes I don't even know why I'm feeling a way that I am, so I usually try to wait until I know more about it. It doesn't really make much sense to me to tell someone that there is something wrong, but not be able to tell them what it is that is wrong. Although there are times when that is appropriate. We laugh a lot which is really nice. I'm still scared though. He keeps meaning more and more to me everyday and I don't know how to deal with it at times. I've never cared for anyone like this so it makes it difficult. That's another reason why I'm trying to make sure to tell him everything. I'm hoping that if he has all the information than we can figure this out together.
I've been feeling kind of neglected and unspecial lately, but we got to the most of the bottom of that. There are still some things that I need to figure out on my own, but I'm hopeful. It was mostly my own head being mean to me like it usually is. Telling me stuff that isn't true. Plus another thing that contributed to it is the fact that I feel my love growing and stuff, but I am clueless to Chris's feelings unless he tells me. I have such a hard time with trust. People lie so often that I have a hard time believing things that people say without checking them out. I even did some research on the earth being round the other day because it was brought to my attention that I didn't "know" that. I had just been told it by someone of authority so I believed it. My critical and creative thinking class has been really great for learning how to analyze things. It had really helped me to look at some things in myself and change them. I'm also in the process of analyzing my values and beliefs, hence the deep thought of today's problems.
Well I'm very hopeful that Chris will be home within the next half hour, so I'm going to go get some more school work done. I really hope to post more soon, but who knows with all the crap I have to do.
posted by Angel Remer at 6:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home