Madness and the Pursuit of Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about my place in this world and my life. I think I'd like to write a book about it. I'm not saying that I'll publish it or anything, I don't really know anyone who would want to read a book about my life anyway. I just think it would be good for me personally. It would be constructive and hey, who knows, it might be a good read :). My mind does some of the weirdest shit sometimes and I think it would be neat to write about it. I would also be focusing on what happens when I have an anxiety attack and when I'm just overly anxious. I'm having a minor anxiety attack right now and my hands are shaking, my stomach is flipping round and round and I have butterflies in there as well. Not the nice feeling of butterflies in your tum after you fall in love. Nothing like that. Angry butterflies lol. Yeah that's it. I've realized I mostly shake, a lot, when it happens. When I'm in public I try to keep the shaking to a minimum, so I play with my hands. Rubbing them back and forth on each other and grasping them together a lot. It kind of looks like nervous fidgeting. My voice is sometimes shaky and my whole body feels kinda numb. Noises are louder and sometimes scarier than usual and there is always a deep paranoia about the noises or even nothing in general. There, that is going to be a good reference for me. It's also good to talk about it my councilor says. It helps me to better deal with it, and that is after all what I want to do. Deal with it, get it over with. Smile.

That is my real goal. I want to be able to smile all the time. It's a proven fact that if you are smiling wide and bright, you can't be upset for very long. Smiling is one of the best things for us besides laughter, so more smiling is needed here.

I also need to focus more on what calms me down. I need to know what works and what just seems to work, but doesn't really. Distraction is definitely something that helps. Which SUCKS for school, because reading my school books isn't enough of a distraction, it actually makes it worse sometimes. I have a hard time focusing and can't remember what I read, so that sucks anyway. I will usually play a game on pogo or watch an episode of Buffy to make me feel better and focus on what needs to be done. Buffy has been entrancing lately, which isn't a good thing. I tend to watch Buffy all the time instead of doing other more important things. I mean this is just nuts. I've seen the entire 7 seasons like 4 times now, and still I have this voracious appetite to watch Buffy. I just want to watch, and watch, and watch. Strange I know. I also have this in escapable liking for Nip/Tuck. PLEASE understand, I do NOT want to, but I do. I really like the show and I'm hoping they will come out with another season of it. It's gross and even sick, but the story line is so intriguing. You just want to know what happens next to these poor people. Not poor as in helpless and innocent, but poor as in they make bad choices and are totally fucked up. Madness is the key I think. They are just simply crazy and mentally unstable. Madness is after all my "thing". Look thing up in a thesaurus, it's fun. Lots of different words mean thing or vice versa. I was going to try and use a better word than thing, but after reading through all the options, I decided that thing really was best. Hhmm, much to lengthy discussion about the word thing.

So I need to do three sketches by hand for my book cover design for the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. I'm pretty excited. I found a site that offers all of the chapters! I found another element to put into my design from the name of the first chapter. A door :). That is a super fun element to work with. I like doors. They might be cliche, but hey, it works. I'll make it rock, I know it. A lot of work though. I have to actually READ the book lol. Ten Chapters isn't bad though. I'm sure I'll breeze right through it.

Well I need to actually go do these things, so I'm done for now, I think. I'm feeling better and I can think again, which is always a plus :). Toodles.