Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since my last post and I’d really like to say that things are better and that my life is one happy moment after another. Well it’s not. Things are still bad, money is still tight as ever and I’m lost in my state of constant pain and confusion. Well let’s try and look at the good things I have in my life. I have a place to live. It’s a terrible place to live, where I can’t even go for a walk at night because I might get jumped, but a place to live all the same. I have a marriage that is strong and loving. Of course there is a bad side to that too, that I just don’t want to get into. I have a computer that I love and an education that I’ll probably end up going bankrupt for. I would really like to be thankful for what I have and happy for it, but there is always a bad side to everything that I do have. I hate money and I wish it didn’t exist. I just want to live in Monmouth with Chris and get away from all this stupid stress. Chris is afraid that I might lose it and I’m not to sure how wrong he is. I’m always way over my head in stress. I want to calm down and be happy. I can’t imagine what it must be like to enjoy life all the time, to be happy and care free. I wonder if I will even know when things get good. Nah, I’m sure I’ll know. It’ll be when I smile all the time and I don’t feel sick to my stomach when I wake up. It’ll be when I don’t have a feel of impending doom all the time. When I can say goodbye to my anxiety and my panic and my fear. I will be free. Free from myself. Trapped inside my own head. Oh well, c’est la vie right?