So much to say so little time and coordination to say it

So many things have happened in my absence, far to many to talk about here and now, so for now I'm gonna leave school to the side and talk about it when I have more time. A far more important issue is at hand, my marriage. I have recently received news that the uber-whore bitch will be returning in about 5 or 6 months, which was excruciatingly furious news for me to get. I was just starting to get comfortable and relax and enjoy my life and now she is going to come back and disrupt everything again. I may have made a mistake, but this woman is the reason for my probation and my suffering. Now she comes bearing even more I'm sure. I'm so depressed and sad, and so close to just giving up and of course at the same time giving in to that annoying little voice in my head that says "come on ya know you want to give up, just come be in hate with me." I hate that voice, but it is always at the back of my head gnawing at my brain to just give up the fight and live alone with no worries, but my cats and myself. A very miserable and lonely life might I add. I don't want to go there I don't want to be there, but I wonder if that would be best. Maybe I am suppose to suffer, and if I am why should I bring anyone down with me? Maybe my destiny is to suffer alone, maybe this will bring someone I love some joy, maybe even some permanent joy. I won't give up on life, I wont kill myself or some crazy dumb shit like that, but maybe giving up on the life I have now, is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm supposed to endure it and torture the people I know and love with my exhausting presence. Maybe...who knows, I hate how inventive my mind is sometimes. I've been thinking and fighting and thinking and fighting for so long now. It's hard, it's so damn hard to just not give up, to keep on fighting. I really want to give in and just say " ya know what? You were right I know nothing and I am nothing, please forget me and everything I have said, it is meaningless." I can't. I just fucking can't. Sometimes I want to, oh so badly do I want to, I've come so close to shoving those words out of my mouth, I've been shoved and spit at (figuratively) so much that I just want to spit back in their face with acid and say FINE, HAVE YOUR FUCKING WAY. I can't though, I must move on and fight on and go on.

One question has been in my mind a lot lately, for any purpose or subject...why? Why? WHY? Why do I do this? Why do I say this? Why does this happen? Why does this person hate me? Why does this person love me? The answer, the conclusion I have come to?...I have no fucking idea most of the time. I just don't know what to say most of the time, I try to be me, but that never seems to be right. I think my marriage is falling apart. I think we are talking about the things that we differ on that are important, so much that we are realizing that we are not for each other. I don't want to believe that and I don't want it to be true, but I just don't know any more. How can you live without your love? How could I ever possibly live with out MY love, my sweet, sweet true love? A while back I included some Motley Crue lyrics, and they are how I feel about Chris, but one line stands out more than all the others for my feelings for him and that is: "Without you in my life I slowly wilt and die, but with you by my side, you're the reason I'm alive..." I believe he is the reason I live as richly as I do, as much as people want to believe that I live a sheltered, uneventful life, I'm happy most of the time, it's my chemical depression that gets me down. I really love Chris, so very deeply and with every single atom of my being, love him so much that it honest to Godly sometimes hurts. Hmm maybe that's heartburn, no really though. I have never loved anyone like this. I really truly had no idea that I could even love anyone that much. It hurts me, it weighs so heavily on my heart to think that we might not make it. Truthfully I honestly hate how much I love him sometimes, to know that someone has that much control over me, because I love them so much kinda kills me. The one thing that always rings true and solid in my mind is "fuck, I love the shit right out of this guy." And then we yell and scream and argue, and I'm left with doubt and wonder and so many questions that will only bring more fighting. I think I'm just gonna end this with a summary. I love him deeply and truly, but I just don't know what to do, or where to go.

New piercings

Sorry to disappoint, but this is the best possible picture of my awesome new piercings that I could get, so just use your imagination as to what it looks like in real life lol.

School Start

I started school last night and it was awesome. Very overwhelming at first, I had a panic attack, but I had friends to get me through it, so I took a break, a shower, and felt a lot better. A big part of my problem was that the orientation class was in another section from my regular classes all together, so that was very confusing, and I had previously jumped right into a class, hence the overwhelming. I finished my first two assignments for my Computer Applications class, and it was pretty easy, just some reading and screen shooting of following the instructions in the book. The next part of the assignment for that class is pretty simple too. The thing that I'm a little stressed about it the Success Strategies assignments. I need to read 2 chapters and do 2 assignments in those chapters. I would be doing them tonight, but I'm spending some time with Chris and going shopping with my great friend E. She'll be here around midnight and I'm brimming with excitement.

My brother said that he loved me again today when he was at my mom's and I called over there. She said I love you and I said I love you too and then she called me right back and said that I had hung up to soon and I said why I said I love you too and then she told me that Tony had also said I love you and I just didn't hear him. Of course I got the huge goofy smile and said I love you too, so that made me feel pretty good today. On a bad note though I had these super retarded people come and look at my last kitten. I was giving her to them and she was freaking out like she usually does and they were all like well we can really tell that she doesn't like us, and I'm like what the fuck, she is a KITTEN, people, she is scared of new people because they don't come around much, so yeah stop being morons, but no they decided that since a 3 month old kitten was freaking out that 3 different people were trying to hold her she didn't like them. Well I didn't like them ya think they could sense that?? Dumb asses.

I sent my computer to HP to be serviced this morning and boy oh boy don't I miss it. I'm on Chris's computer and I asked him if I could change a bunch of his settings and he told me I could just for the week lol. Yes I have to be away from my beautiful, wonderful piece of machinery for an ENTIRE WEEK!!! Will I survive you ask? Well maybe, I might, we're taking it one step at a time.

I'm crazily anxious to finish my school assignments lol. I love schooling it's great, but I'll tell you it sure is a full time job. It's confusing, stressful, hard, rewarding, relaxing, and fun all at once. I'm really going to enjoy and dread this entire time. 3 years to be exact. I'll be so extremely happy to have that degree in my hand though. To start working as my own boss or even in another place creating web pages and all the other things that go along with web design and multimedia, there are way to many for me to remember and list right now. I do need to go though because Chris is falling asleep waiting for me to be done and I will be leaving in a little over 2 hours. Bye bye now.

Without You

Without you in my life
I'd slowly wilt and die
But with you by my side
You're the reason I'm alive
But with you in my life
You're the reason I'm alive
But without you, without you...

Without you, my hope is small
Let me be me all along
You let the fires rage inside
Knowing someday I'd grow strong

I could face a mountain
But I could never climb alone
I could start another day
But how many, just don't know
You're the reason the sun shines down
And the nights, they don't grow cold
Only you that I'll hold when I'm young
Only you...as we grow old

This part of the song comes kinda close to how I feel about Chris...

Anticipation

I'm pretty excited about school tomorrow, I asked my student advisor and she said that I should be able to log in tonight around 2AM! I can't wait, I'm definitely going to try to. She had said that I could log in now to do some introduction thing, but I can't so that kinda bummed me out because I was looking forward to it.

On another very happy note, I had pre-ordered Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I went to pick it up after my appointments. I am of course watching it right now. I absolutely adore this movie! With Tim Burton as the director and Johnny Depp staring you know it rocks so much. I can't even focus on typing because it is so great. I'm gonna go, so I can watch it now :D.

The Cakes

This is the cake my mom made for us to eat there, she's weird I know.

This is the cake my mom made for me to take home.

Roseanne

I'm watching the episodes of Roseanne where Dan is away in California after they get all their money, and when he comes home and tells Roseanne that he is leaving her because he met a woman out in California.

This episode is very hard for me to watch, because in many ways I associate Rose and Dan with me and Chris. I can't help but wondering if he will go away some day and come home to tell me that he is leaving. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but these episodes just make me wonder, and see how real of an issue it could really be. I really hope that our love with last the tests of time, but I wonder what he is really thinking sometimes. He just admitted the other morning that he has a hard time being honest with himself...how can I know that he is honest with me all the time when he can't even be honest with himself. I know I shouldn't stress and I shouldn't worry because things with us our great right now, but what happens when things get REALLY hard for us. I know that I am solid and I can with stand just about anything for him, but I'm not sure that he can do that for me. I know he loves me very, very deeply, but what about when it is really bad. What about when we are both at our worst.

This isn't something that is actively on my mind, it's just because of the show and I want to get it out. That's what's so great about this blog, I can say how I feel on any issue and I feel better almost instantly :p.

I wish we were just solid, I wish we knew where we stand on everything. I'm pretty sure he knows where I am on almost everything, but he changes his mind about stuff so often, how do I know that he won't change his mind about me? He says he is miserable working 2 jobs, but what can I do? He wants me to go to school, so I am I'm getting what I need to get done in order to make money from home like I really want to. It means a little hardship though, and I'm not so sure he is really actually ready for it. I've been trying to make sure that I show him enough appreciation, but it's hard to keep an eye on everything he wants to happen and everything I NEED to be working on like my anxiety and my depression. It's really hard to keep up with everything now.

Yesterday was a sad day and a wonderful day all at the same time. My mom set up an awesome Congratulations party for me because I got my diploma, and it was really great, she made me a cake and got me these GORGEOUS earrings that she said were really expensive and they really look it. I totally love them, and she also got me a sweater that is really beautiful and it looks great on me surprisingly enough. Cindy and Kat brought us out and she put up a pic of me wearing my mom's graduation gown and cap, I looked really embarrassed in the picture. I was really happy and it was a really great thing, I was so grateful. Happy really just isn't the word for it, ecstatic might be better, but I'm not sure :p, I think it may be even more.

I came home and we were ok for awhile, and Chris laid down to go to sleep, I called my friend and she was to busy to talk to me again. Of course that got me thinking about friends, and it seems that I'm very lonely. I started crying and I woke Chris up and he got mad at me. He is very harsh sometimes when I am upset. He wasn't yelling or anything, but his voice was a little louder than normal and he said "well I can't sleep while you're depressed like this", so I started crying even harder and he got even more frustrated, and told me that crying isn't going to fix anything and he was up now so he wanted to know what I wanted to do. He got up and went to the bathroom and I cried more while he was in there, and then he came back and I said I wanted to play a video game with him and we got up and came out and played X-Men. Things were rough for awhile we didn't really talk and then he started to loosen up and talk to me and joke around a bit. I just don't think he understands that if he's gonna be cranky about it I would rather he just not do it. I wasn't trying to wake him up, I wasn't trying to make him stay up, I was just sad. I was willing to be sad alone, that is usually when I try to be sad anyway, well outwardly sad that is, but sometimes it's just to much to keep in any more.

I don't know, I don't really feel like typing any more and I have laundry to tend to, so I guess this is it for the night.

Long Night Looming

I'm sitting here smoking a butt and wondering why I couldn't sleep today. I know this is only going to make my night harder. I miss Chris so much already, and he's only in the other room sleeping. He drank to fast again today and got sick, so I did my best to take care of him, I stayed with him and drew him a bath, I ended up falling asleep leaning on the side of the tub. I was worried though, because the water had drained out so much that even if Chris did slip in more he would have been ok, he too had of course passed out. I let him sleep in the tub for an hour and a half before I woke him up to take him back into the bedroom. He felt a lot better and he has been asleep snoring loudly since, I only hope he'll feel ok when he gets up.

It was kinda sad when he was coherent, he kept saying how horrible he was and how much he sucked, because I had to take care of him, and really I don't mind at all. I always hope that he won't get sick, but when he does, I'd want someone like me around. People drink to fast or to much and they get sick every now and again, I figure why let them suffer more by making them be alone and sick, I just try to make him as comfortable as possible until he is better. I also remember taking care of Cin once or twice when she had to much to drink. There is a selfish aspect of it too, it makes me feel useful and helpful all at the same time. Plus I get the satisfaction of them being better sooner usually.

I have to wake him up in half an hour so he can get ready for work tonight. I have so much to do tonight, I'm not looking forward to it at all. I took a night off and slept last night, because I felt so drained from everything. I need to catch up on chores tonight, and then I'll probably end up falling asleep again. I really need to change this schedule if I want to be awake for Chris's night off. I unfortunately end up falling asleep and he follows which isn't good for his schedule. I need to think more about his sleep than mine right now, because he works out of the home, so he needs it more. I can sleep pretty much any time because I do work and school at home.

I was a little sad today, because I wanted to celebrate my graduation, if you want to call it that, and I can't. Cin and Kat invited me over to have some beers with them, but I really wanted Chris to be there too, but with work all the time he really couldn't be, besides being sick. We've become very close over these past few months, even closer than we were before. He took a lot of big steps today in realizing himself, and I was really proud of him. He is starting to learn why he does some of the really crazy things he does that are really pretty foolish.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I probably would be a good councilor, but it's just not want I want to do with my life. I don't come right out and tell Chris everything about his issues, I give him keys and hint to help him unlock them himself, I think you learn a lot more that way. There are some people that think it is wrong for me to try and help him emotionally because we are together, but he loves that I do that and I'm glad to be able to help him, so for once in his life he is able to be proud of himself. No one ever let him be proud of himself, he has been stepped on and squished out and never appreciated for how great he really is. He said today that one of the reasons he loves me is because I don't test him and I don't push him, I just love him, and I try to do that as much as I can. It's not my job to test him, that is something that God does and I should leave that to him.

I don't say that I do everything right, I don't even say I do most things right, but if it's ok with him (Chris), then I guess it's ok, since he is the one I am trying to please. I have an "only trying to help" complex that tends to make things worse sometimes, but I think Chris does a good job at letting me know when I'm doing something wrong. I love him very much and I do want him to happy, and he has made it VERY clear over the past week or so that being with me is the key to his happiness, so I guess I ought to quit with letting him know that if he thinks he would be happier he could leave and I would understand. I need to remember that sometimes he just bitches about shit, not necessarily because it bothers him so much, but because, well, he's a bitcher :p. We definitely have our shit, but we always have our greatness. I really do believe that we can overcome anything together, we just need to remember to stay together about it, and I need to remember that things aren't always as hopeless as they seem. I love that man, and I intend to spend the rest of my life with him, just as I vowed, through good times and bad.

Well it's about that time now that I need to wake him up, so I'm gonna go get the ibuprofen and some cold water and hope he doesn't have to bad of a hang over if any. My sweet sweet drunkard lol.

Nervous/Excitement

Well I just installed my Microsoft Office for school and I'm starting to get nervous now, it's only 4 days away and I'm wicked anxious. I know it'll be great and I'll be ok, but it's starting in already. I'm also worried about more pressure from my probation officer to finish my community service right away...she really needs to lay off. I have 50 hours total to do and I've done 12 so far, and I still have 9 months to finish it. I plan to do the rest of my time at the food bank, and just not get any food. That will take care of it pretty quickly and it's only 3 hours twice a week. That wont be to much for me to handle I would imagine. Damn this stupid anxiety. It is so mettlesome in my life. It seems like no matter how much I try to fight it, it finds a way to win anyway.

Much better news though is that I got my Diploma in the mail yesterday!! I was so excited, I was looking at all the return addresses to see what I had and I saw Lewiston Adult Education and I ran inside and dropped all the other mail on the floor and tore into the envelope carefully of course ;) and inside in all it's beautiful glory was my Diploma! I was so happy, I called every I talked to that keeps current with my life and told them all. Everyone was very happy for me which was awesome, I had a sort of excited high going on for hours. Course Chris wanted to go to sleep and ruined it cause he is a poop head :p. Then something also very cool happened, When I called and told my brother Tony, we chatted for a while and then I said ok well I'll talk to you later and he said ok and I said bye bye and he said I love you!!!!!!!!!!!! He hasn't said that to me since he was like 5!! I was so happy as soon as I hung up the phone I started laughing/crying, so I called my mom and told her and I had to saw it like 3 times because she couldn't understand what I was saying through all the laughing and crying. She was very happy to hear that and I think she might have started crying too. I told my grandmother after that and she did the crazy laugh she does when something great has happened, so I was filled with happiness and excitement yesterday. I'm just glad I didn't crash back down to the other side of the emotional spectrum.

That was my happy day yesterday! I got to run errands with Cindy in the morning and I got my first bottle of hydroxy cut to start on my weight loss program which was also a huge part of my excitement. I'm so happy all these great things in my life are falling into place! I'm also selling 2 kittens very soon, so that leaves me with one more to sell and that's great because they are driving me nuts! Well Chris should be home soon, so I'm gonna go get some breakfast ready. Bye bye now.

Decent day

Chris and I went out at about 10 yesterday morning and got a hot dog and some fries at this place called simones. It was really very yummy, I had a cheese dog with mustard, onions, and pickles. I asked for fries with cheese on them and I guess they don't get that request much because there was sliced cheese on them, but it was very good just the same. Chris had a fried sauerkraut dog with mayo, yuck! lol, I hate pretty much all the German grossness that he likes. Any way that was nice minus the creepy guy that kept looking at me. After that we went down to the head shop and bought some marshmallow papers, to try and counteract the disgusting menthol rolling tobacco that we bought. I don't really care to try them, but they're for Chris mostly anyway because he wanted them. After that I called Cin and asked her if she wanted to go browse the book store with us and she did.

We were only at Mr. Paperback for like 20 minutes and she was feeling tired and wanted to get home and to sleep since she had worked all night that night, plus I think her leg was bugging her a bit. I wish that she could have stayed longer and hung out with us, but I understand that she wanted to sleep. After that we went over to Family Dollar to look at the Christmas stuff that they have and we found some Cherry Cordial Kisses!! I was so psyched, they are wicked yummy! Anyway after that we headed over to nasty Tim Hortons for some coffee and soup. The soup was decent, but the coffee was gross as usual. We went over to the mall then and put some weapons on layaway in the Silver Feather. I got a battle axe and Chris got some 3 bladed knives. After shopping there forever we walked around the mall some more and waited for E to show up. We visited with her for awhile, it was awesome. Hopefully I'll get to go shopping with her next week. It was a pretty good day, but visiting with E was definitely the highlight of it all.

After that Chris and I came home and had a drink, while we watched Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith. It was really awesome of course, it was the making of Darth Vader and that rocked! We totally screwed up our schedule and went to sleep at like 9PM and then we got up about an hour ago, so that sucks, but I'm sure we'll get back to normal soon. It was nice, but I'm really hating Chris only having one night a week off, I really miss him. I know he is here in the mornings and everything, but I miss being able to spend a day or two with him doing whatever we want. Oh well I know it's necessary. Another one of the things I don't like, but I know they need to happen.

On that note I think I'm gonna wrap this up and spend some time with Chris since he has to go back to work tonight. Who knows if we will do anything exciting, but I should make myself available to do something lol. Ok well I'll be back eventually, perhaps even tonight.