The Menu

Can I Take Your Order?

There is a store on the corner of my street and they just opened about a week ago. Since they opened Chris and I have been faithful customers going in all but two days of that week. The store is owned by a married couple who also owns their own cleaning business. Their names are Mike and Racheal. I was speaking to Rachael and I asked her if I could design a menu for them and she said sure. I worked on it a lot of last night and finished it up this morning. After a huge hassle at the library with my file not downloading like it was supposed to, I got it printed out and it looks absolutely beautiful. I don't think I've made anything quite as good as this. As far as a layout goes. When I brought the menu in and showed it to them they were both VERY impressed. Mike offered, even before we brought it in, to give us a pizza and a two liter as a thank you for it. I of course tried to turn the offer down, but he was obviously going to be persistent about it, so I gave in. Because of this awesome menu I'm feeling pretty good about myself and the future. Rachael said quietly to her Mike "This is exactly what I wanted." I'm not sure if was entirely to him or even some to herself, and I'm also not sure that she meant to say it out loud. They both of course absolutely loved it and as Chris and I were leaving the wife was leaving to go make some copies. This is a good start for me and I hope that this only keeps going on and on. Mike said that I should really get out there and do something with this when he saw it. I'm going to go and spend some time with Chris now, but I will be posting the menu after this.

I just had to share this one. :D

4 U - KoRn

This shit right here is for you.
All your faces I can see.
You all think it's about me.
I'm about to break.Is this my fate?
Am I still damned to a life
Of misery and hate.

You will never know.
What I've done for you.
What you all put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you.

Madness and the Pursuit of Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about my place in this world and my life. I think I'd like to write a book about it. I'm not saying that I'll publish it or anything, I don't really know anyone who would want to read a book about my life anyway. I just think it would be good for me personally. It would be constructive and hey, who knows, it might be a good read :). My mind does some of the weirdest shit sometimes and I think it would be neat to write about it. I would also be focusing on what happens when I have an anxiety attack and when I'm just overly anxious. I'm having a minor anxiety attack right now and my hands are shaking, my stomach is flipping round and round and I have butterflies in there as well. Not the nice feeling of butterflies in your tum after you fall in love. Nothing like that. Angry butterflies lol. Yeah that's it. I've realized I mostly shake, a lot, when it happens. When I'm in public I try to keep the shaking to a minimum, so I play with my hands. Rubbing them back and forth on each other and grasping them together a lot. It kind of looks like nervous fidgeting. My voice is sometimes shaky and my whole body feels kinda numb. Noises are louder and sometimes scarier than usual and there is always a deep paranoia about the noises or even nothing in general. There, that is going to be a good reference for me. It's also good to talk about it my councilor says. It helps me to better deal with it, and that is after all what I want to do. Deal with it, get it over with. Smile.

That is my real goal. I want to be able to smile all the time. It's a proven fact that if you are smiling wide and bright, you can't be upset for very long. Smiling is one of the best things for us besides laughter, so more smiling is needed here.

I also need to focus more on what calms me down. I need to know what works and what just seems to work, but doesn't really. Distraction is definitely something that helps. Which SUCKS for school, because reading my school books isn't enough of a distraction, it actually makes it worse sometimes. I have a hard time focusing and can't remember what I read, so that sucks anyway. I will usually play a game on pogo or watch an episode of Buffy to make me feel better and focus on what needs to be done. Buffy has been entrancing lately, which isn't a good thing. I tend to watch Buffy all the time instead of doing other more important things. I mean this is just nuts. I've seen the entire 7 seasons like 4 times now, and still I have this voracious appetite to watch Buffy. I just want to watch, and watch, and watch. Strange I know. I also have this in escapable liking for Nip/Tuck. PLEASE understand, I do NOT want to, but I do. I really like the show and I'm hoping they will come out with another season of it. It's gross and even sick, but the story line is so intriguing. You just want to know what happens next to these poor people. Not poor as in helpless and innocent, but poor as in they make bad choices and are totally fucked up. Madness is the key I think. They are just simply crazy and mentally unstable. Madness is after all my "thing". Look thing up in a thesaurus, it's fun. Lots of different words mean thing or vice versa. I was going to try and use a better word than thing, but after reading through all the options, I decided that thing really was best. Hhmm, much to lengthy discussion about the word thing.

So I need to do three sketches by hand for my book cover design for the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. I'm pretty excited. I found a site that offers all of the chapters! I found another element to put into my design from the name of the first chapter. A door :). That is a super fun element to work with. I like doors. They might be cliche, but hey, it works. I'll make it rock, I know it. A lot of work though. I have to actually READ the book lol. Ten Chapters isn't bad though. I'm sure I'll breeze right through it.

Well I need to actually go do these things, so I'm done for now, I think. I'm feeling better and I can think again, which is always a plus :). Toodles.

Thoughtless - KoRn

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger And you're down, down, down

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

All my friends are gone, they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)
I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
Gonna take you down
I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
I've got my body, got my body back against the...

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since my last post and I’d really like to say that things are better and that my life is one happy moment after another. Well it’s not. Things are still bad, money is still tight as ever and I’m lost in my state of constant pain and confusion. Well let’s try and look at the good things I have in my life. I have a place to live. It’s a terrible place to live, where I can’t even go for a walk at night because I might get jumped, but a place to live all the same. I have a marriage that is strong and loving. Of course there is a bad side to that too, that I just don’t want to get into. I have a computer that I love and an education that I’ll probably end up going bankrupt for. I would really like to be thankful for what I have and happy for it, but there is always a bad side to everything that I do have. I hate money and I wish it didn’t exist. I just want to live in Monmouth with Chris and get away from all this stupid stress. Chris is afraid that I might lose it and I’m not to sure how wrong he is. I’m always way over my head in stress. I want to calm down and be happy. I can’t imagine what it must be like to enjoy life all the time, to be happy and care free. I wonder if I will even know when things get good. Nah, I’m sure I’ll know. It’ll be when I smile all the time and I don’t feel sick to my stomach when I wake up. It’ll be when I don’t have a feel of impending doom all the time. When I can say goodbye to my anxiety and my panic and my fear. I will be free. Free from myself. Trapped inside my own head. Oh well, c’est la vie right?