Sick and Miserable

I sit here with my heart in my hands and I wonder, "where do we go from here?". I heard one of the scariest thing I will probably ever hear today. Chris gave me doubt, he said that he doesn't know what the future holds when I asked him if he was going to leave me. So here I am, stunned, heart in hand, and searching my mind for an answer, a solution, something, ANYTHING. My councilor told me to leave it alone and see what happens, but what do I do until whatever happens, happens? How do I cope, how do I smile, how do I live?

I did a pretty good job faking it today, took a lot out of me along with the sickness and all. I have some throat and head thing. Totally sucks and I'm all set for it to go away now. I was finally able to borrow some money from my gram today to get more meds since we were out, so I've been taking those. I could barely wait for the 6 hour mark that meant I could take some more. I've also got cough drops and ginger ale, ya always have to have the ginger ale. If you get sick, that is the first thing my gram will ask you, "you been drinking ginger ale?"

I want to cry, but I can feel the bricks building, I can feel the mortar slapping. I have no strength to tear it down, especially not one as new as this. I feel like I've been going on empty for so long I want to collapse and sleep forever. I think my head was ready for the wall, I've already purchased the bricks, mixed up the mortar and kept it moist for this day. Course with all these feelings it doesn't help that my head feels like it's floating a foot above my body with all the gross sickness inside it. I've been praying, hoping. I'm so scared. I don't know why he just can't understand. The guilt is not my fault, I try to be as supportive as possible while being sad all at the same time. I remember the day that he said he would leave me cause he couldn't handle it...it was beautiful in the end, we cried and cried and held each other for so long just telling each other that we loved the other more than life. He decided then that he would handle it because he loved me to much to live without me. I guess things change. I guess feelings can develop that weren't there before, I still love him more than all the words in any language or in any dictionary around the world. Nothing could ever possibly describe this love I have, I never thought it was possible, I thought it was a thing of fairy tales and myths, but here it is, in my heart.

The heart that I hold in my hand. It's still beating right now, but it's wavering. Should I try some duct tape? Just to hold it together, keep the pieces there, so it will continue to beat. Again I wonder, and more frantically than ever search for the answer to the question, "how do you live without your love?" I suppose it's good that there wasn't an actual fight this time, but maybe there should have been. I really don't know a whole lot right now. I've taken a serious blow to the head and I think I have a concussion. I find that words are getting harder to form and harder to compile into a complete sentence.

Where do we go from here?

Pivotal

Well now. So many things to say so little time. I should have posted days ago, but my life have been a bit hectic. I'm currently coming down with a cold and that really sucks because I haven't been sick for so long I know I'll be miserable.

Valetines day was beautiful Chris made me a super yummy steak and he drew a bath with tea lights all along the edge of the tub. He bought me gorgeous diamond earrings, an Angel pillow, and a cami set that says Angel on it. The day was great, probably one of my best valentines. I made him some really good pork chops on a bed of spinach and tomatoes. I gave him a calligraphy set and some calligraphy paper, he was very happy with them, so I think the day was great for him to. We spent the whole day together laughing, smiling and just soaking each other up. I suppose that would be the true definition of romance. I don't know why, but I keep forgetting the awesome omelet he made me in the morning, that was great too. Things are good in our world, minus the whole us missing each other all the damn time.

Erik is back and I couldn't be happier. He seems a lot more easy going and I don't think I have ever seen him smile so much as he does now. I'm glad he's happier, it makes things so much better between us when he's happy, I tend to get depressed when he isn't happy and I've been told I'm horrible when I'm depressed. He respects Chris and thinks he has really made some great changes, which we all know he has. I've only been talking about how great he is for like ever now. I'm glad other people can see how great of a man he is too. Life is definitely good right now. Busy and still stressful as hell, but good. I mean hey, that KoRn concert is right around the corner. I've really excited.

I've got my husband and my best friend back, what more could I ask for at this point? Not much that I can think of. I'm a little disappointed in my math score however. It's more dangerous than ever to dropping below a 93 and that would mean I would go off the deans list, which I just can't do, so I'll be over my head in studies this week. I have so much to do anyway it's crazy. I have to write the first draft of an essay tonight and so not looking forward to that. I know this is going to sound silly, but I'm dreading that essay even more now that I found out I will be taking College Writing II this next term. I was excited to find the email for me to order my books in my inbox today. This coming term I will be taking College Writing II, Human Relations, and Image Editing! I'm so excited for all but the Writing II. I'm getting sick of essays and all that, but really who likes writing essays in college. I totally suck at getting a solid thesis statement, but I have high hopes for this essay. It's a process essay, so hopefully I should be able to pull things together better, since I'm writing the process on designing a web page. I've had lots of ideas, but I need to pull them all together tonight and get it out. We're having a peer review that is due by Wednesday night. Being tomorrow and all I really need to get cracking on that. I also need to read my math assignment and figure out what the hell I'm getting wrong, because I got 10 whole points off this last assignment that I thought I had down pretty well. This next two chapters that I'm supposed to read are on multiplication and division, so oh yayness. I think I may have to turn to my tutor for the last bits of this math term. Thank God I'm not taking any more math classes for this degree :p.

Chris will be home in about a half hour, so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm really liking the direction that my life is taking. We're hopefully going to be getting on our feet soon, and start getting back some good credit, so hopefully a house can be in our near future. We just need to keep a handle on buying things that we think we need, but really don't. I've done really good not buying anything for our car that is just for looks. Right now we need to focus on paying off Chris's fee and getting his license, so we can hopefully gain some freedom. Man won't it be cool to go to the Portland mall all on our own time and not have to worry about making anyone wait. To be able to go to Wal-Mart whenever we need to. I'm to excited about it all, I'm also worried that we aren't going to be able to afford it very much. Coming up VERY soon we are going to have to start paying out $53.00 a paycheck for school, so that is going to take a big toll on us. I'm trying to get as much money saved up now as I can. Not sure if it's really working out so well, but I'm making the effort.

Well I hear classes calling me, and I know I'm gonna need another nap tonight to get rid of this damn cold before it becomes to much of a problem. I already spent way to much time at 7-11 visiting Chris tonight. So farewell until I get an inkling of free time again.


Rasputina - CrossWalk
Rasputina - I Only Want to be With You
Rasputina - Tourniquet
Rasputina - Witchcraft
Rasputina - You Don't Own Me
Rasputina - The New Zero
Poe - Hey Pretty
Poe - Hello

My Darling

I miss him,
I love him,
I miss his touch,
I miss his kiss,
I miss his laugh,
I miss him.
Soon I'll always miss him,
Soon he'll never be here,
Soon I'll lose him,
Soon I'll be nothing,
Soon I'll be lonely,
Soon I'll be lost,
Soon I'll always miss him.

Sucks

I'm to depressed to talk about Valentines right now. It was fantastic and wonderful, I'll tell about it sometime later for sure, just not right now...

This is a happy Alfred with nice clean water :) I guess even fishies get red eye :p

Chris Rant

I've noticed that there isn't much that will come out of my head, so I figured I'd start a post and hope that it starts spilling on it's own. I'm way to excited for Valentines. Chris has something planned for us and I'm very excited. I have great things planned for him, so I'll tell all about it on Wednesday. We are going to have an entire 2 days off and it is going to be great, I am so excited I can barely contain it. One thing I'm not looking forward to though is walking up to see him tonight at 7-11 in all the crap-tastic snow. I'm so in love with him it's crazy. The way he looks at me makes me melt sometimes and I just feel like crying happy tears of love. I was thinking that maybe Valentines had something to do with it, but no, I'm crazy in love. Well I'm crazy regardless, but definitely in love. I was supposed to go to the mall with a friend today, but no luck he is still sleeping and the snow is piling up. Plus the mall closes at 5, so I doubt we would make it there in time anyway.

I can't think without Chris being on my mind, and I can't breath without him in my heart. He is sleeping now, and I wish I could join him, but my schedule has gotten all messed up lately. I've been sleeping a lot at night, so now I am up a lot during the day which is depressing and weird and crazy. I want to sleep when he sleeps, but it's hard when I'm at home all night. Yes I have the school work and I do stand up to read to decrease the sleepy, but I get weak and I sit down and I doze off and the next thing I know I am getting woken up by a phone call from him at work on his break. I have a hard time getting through the night without being depressed unless he calls me, so it's always a welcome niceness to hear his voice. He is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going, I'll start to wonder in my reading and procrastinate doing chores, but when I hear his voice I get all better and I can do what I have to do again. I wonder if it's the same way with him?

Since things have changed I cook, and do all of the cleaning again. He works more than I do again, so now it's all on me to take care of those things. I do it with honor and pride of course. He is taking care of us in a way that I can't so I take care of him the way I can. One of the things that I like to do the most is making his lunches for work before he goes to Wal-mart. I write little love notes on his sandwich bags and it seems to perk him up while he is at work, plus I wish he could always know how much I love him, and this helps to express it. I really hope he loves his Valentines gifts. I worked really hard on one of them and I know he will at least like the rest.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never knew I could feel this way. I never knew I could feel this much. It's funny how I think about him the most when he is sleeping not even 3 feet away from me. I suppose it's because I can hear him breathing and I know he is there, which makes me miss his touch even more. Miss his voice, miss his smile, miss his laugh. I think about how hard he works for us and I try to do something special for him. Something that I know he will love. I cry thinking about how much I love him sometimes. Mostly because I'm scared and I'm afraid that one day he will realize that I'm not what he wants and he will leave. Not because I want to keep him and make him unhappy, but because I want him to be happy, so if that is what he needs, I would want him to have it. If his happiness means being without me, then that's where I'd want him to be. Thankfully, of course, he wants to be with me. I'm as much his air as he is mine.

I'm to distracted with thoughts of a newly thought up surprise for him, so I have to go now, but all I know without any doubt, darkness, or clouds is that I love him, more than words, more than life, and more than well words...

KoRn Tickets

I got a phone call around 1:00 yesterday and I answered dutifully. The voice on the other line says "Is this Sarah R****?" I said yes, all the while thinking great what are you going to try and sell me today I wonder. The voice says "This is Chris from WCYY." My heart became lost in my throat and I wondered if she had the wrong number even though she had said my name. Is there another Sarah R**** I wondered? So I said "Don't tell me I've won KoRn tickets?" To my enormous surprise she said yes you have. I just about exploded and I proceeded to go through "winners denial" and say no way, no way really??!! Then I proceeded on to the overly large amounts of thanking, "you have no idea how happy I am, oh my gosh thank you, thank you, thank you." The day was indeed brightened. I got ahold of my super cool friend and decided that it wouldn't hurt to ask for the ride to Portland to get my patiently waiting tickets, since I, was not so patiently waiting. To my delight she said yes, and we began our journey soon after.

We of course got lost once on the way there and then once on the way, but it was really fun and I know I at least had a really good time. Chris kept mentioning things he wanted and was making himself sad. Not really just figuratively, but it was funny how often it kept happening. We talked about Anime on the way there and were kind of quiet on the way back except to say "huh, we aren't supposed to be way out here," at the Gardner exit.

In the end we made it home with me fervently clutching my tickets and hunger in our bellys. My friend had to get to work, but me and Chris had some pizza. Funny enough he wasn't feeling well, but the pizza made him feel better, of all things right? What a wonderful day it was yesterday.

Thank you Lord.

A Need To Be Sated

My heart and eyes fill with the sadness of many days and nights of loneliness,
I wince in pain at the thought of all the time alone that is to come,
So many tears have been spent in my dark lonely world,
All for love,
Love is the cause of my deepest pain and my sweetest joy,
Joyous happiness and laughter with him at my side,
Tears of sadness and despair with his absence,
I try to cry out for the tender love and sweet embrace I love for,
Unseen hands and silent shadows hush my cries of pain,
I begin to wonder if I can speak any more,
The happiness because a drug that I can't fill up on,
An addiction never to be sated,
I want, I need, and I desire,
Only to be teased by the warm loving arms I long for so deeply,
Only a taste of what I want,
Only a glimpse of what I need,
Am I doomed to want this constant love for always?
Or perhaps what I receive will one day be enough,
Enough to stop the hunger,
Enough to stop the tears,
Enough to bring the laughter,
And enough to fulfill my years.

Garfield Pickles

Blank

It's funny how we can get so wrapped up in something that we just don't think about anything else. I wanted to blog, but realized that I really have nothing on the front of my brain that is interested in popping out. Of course if I sit here and start I know things will come, but back to what is on the front of my brain. School. Math in particular, to go even more in with the specifics I have a midterm exam due by Sunday and I feel like I'm a kindergartener just learning how to count. I'm currently at a 93.24% in that class which means if I drop below that 93% I wont be on the Dean's List this term and I will be absolutely crushed. My goal for each class is not to go below a 95% and I have succeeded so far in College Writing with a 96.11% and in Intro to Graphic Arts with a 100%. I cried when I saw my grade drop below that sacred 95% in Algebra. A lot of people have accused me of being to driven and even crazy (Note: I am crazy, no denial there, but not about school.) I figure, if I'm not hurting myself or anyone else then what is wrong with being obsessed over having good grades? One might argue that an obsession of any kind is unhealthy, but I don't care much this is my future job that I am preparing for, plus I'm paying out the butt for this schooling.

Chris is as always supportive, but he has been upsetting me lately. I understand that he works a lot and it is hard for him to come home and do the dishes everyday, but the dishes haven't been completely done in over a week. When I'm super busy all night trying to get school work done I don't want to have to wash dishes just to get my dinner. Very frustrating. Once again if he didn't VOLUNTEER to do the dishes I might not be so upset, but he made a funny point about a friend of ours today that I don't think he knows applies to him as well. He said something along the lines of "Well if he/she wants to be taken seriously about the things he/she says then they need to do what they say." Oh I agree very much, people should be of their word. I hate having to figure a person out based on their actions because words to most people mean nothing. It's harder than just hearing someone and it makes me feel like I can't trust them.

A bit of yayness happened today though, I went to the post office and I got Chris's Valentines day present, I am so pleased that it came on time. I have it all wrapped up and everything. I really hope he will love it. I also made some other things for him that I hope he loves as well. He is going to make us a yummy steak dinner on Valentines and I'm so anxious for it. I've been wanting to jump the gun and have some steak now, but I know that I have to wait.

We have to go grocery shopping on Saturday and I'm not really looking forward to it this time. I just don't like shopping for groceries as much as I used to. I have realized something. People think that I like shopping even though I have expressed otherwise many times, so I know why now. I just simply need to explain to them that it isn't the shopping that I like, it's the fact that I get to get out of my house that I am holed up in all day almost all week. However somethings do not fall into this category, such as volunteering. I get out of the house, but I HATE doing it. It goes by so slow and sometimes I have to work with people that don't even have half a brain and that sucks. I can deal with these people nice enough and all, but I already don't want to be there and now there is dumbness. ACK. Never makes for goodness.

Well Chris is at work and he just called me, so I'm gonna talk to him now.