Killed by School

Well I have no idea where to begin as usual. School is really, really frustrating me. Not only is this the hardest term I've had to go through so far, but I'm starting to get really worried about how we are going to pay for all this in the end. I had wanted to take out maybe $50 from our tax return and have some fun, go out to dinner and catch a movie, or anything out of the house and fun. Now I don't think we should at all. I'm behind by almost $500 on my school payments because no one bothered to tell me that I am supposed to have been paying them since November. We owe my landlord an enormous amount, every single bill I have is behind and the guy who keeps saying he will hire Chris isn't. This is the last week that we are waiting for this supposed job. We are running out of everything and my checkbook is constantly negative. I've never been in this much financial trouble in all my life and it seems to be getting worse and worse as every day passes. I don't even have much time to spend with Chris let alone get a part time job to try and supplement our income. I've never been so unhappy before. I hate money so much I wish it didn't exist. I don't even remember the last time I bought something that wasn't food or a bill. I want to buy the more expensive toilet paper and other things that have been recycled, but I really can't afford to do that which totally sucks.

I have discovered that it is damn near impossible to make a drastic change in your lifestyle if you don't have the money to do it. If I didn't live where I live, I would be homeless right now and that is scary. Who knows, it could only be a matter of time before I am kicked out of my apartment. I don't know anyone that I trust or like enough that is willing to move in here and help us out either. I tried the only one person that I would have been ok with and she can't right now. I really feel that I should stop going to school and just get a job until we are stable, but Chris insists that this is the right thing to be doing. I know that once I get my degree and school is finally paid off then things will be ok, but at what cost is that going to be at? I want to spend more time with Chris and I want a house. Those are the two things that I want more than anything else out of life (I think). It's hard to REALLY know what you want out of life when you are in a transitional period. I get myself so upset over these things that I can't even focus on my studies, which would be why I'm here now. I'm hoping that getting this all out will make me feel better enough to get my massive amounts of homework done.

Another thing that is really bothering me is that Chris's mother has made herself poor by quitting her job to go for a risky insurance thing and she keeps saying she understands what we are going through because she is in the same boat. Well she isn't even on the same lake because I didn't do this to myself. We have worked very hard for the last year and a half with little to no rewards for it and she thinks that she is in the same situation because she CHOSE to quit her job for a risk???? Not even close. Some might argue that you need to take risks sometimes, and while that may be true, I prefer a solid future where I can breath easy and not worry every second if it is all going to fall out from under me. If Chris (God forbid) lost his job right now we would be so screwed. We would lose everything we have. Everything would be shut off and I would probably have to get rid of some, if not all of my babies. I just want to be able to pay my bills on time and pay for school and then a house. I don't care about the newest retarded whatever people want these days. I mean yeah it's nice to get stuff, but I really want a stable life. I want to be able for Chris and I to get the medical insurance we need to be able to afford to go to the doctors. I want to be able to look at my computer for more than an hour without blurry vision. I've been praying so much about everything and I seem to be getting no answer. Some people say that no answer means no, but I have been praying for help, so am I to understand that God is telling me he won't help me? I'm so confused. I don't really know up from down any more. It's not like I'm not willing to work for these things cause I do every day, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong any more. I try as hard as I can and there is still no fruit here. I just want some light, even just a tiny little ray. Something. At this point, anything to let me know I'm doing the right thing by going to school, which is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than any physical labor I've ever done. It's incredibly emotionally taxing. There was a post secret this week that really hit me. Here is the link to it: post secret Not that I would ever commit suicide, but the stress and pain that student must be feeling really hit home for me. I hope that they end up working it out and get better. I hope the same for me too.

End of Vacation

My vacation comes to an end on Wednesday and I’m not really sure if I’m ready to jump back in to school and the like. Not that I really have much of a choice, but I still don’t feel 100% ready. I started reading my management book last night to get a bit of a head start on things. I’m hoping that this term isn’t going to be as difficult as I think it is. The management course and the environmental studies course should be a breeze. It’s the audio visual class that I’m worried about.

Another topic that I really just wanted to avoid, but don’t know if I can any more is Erik. He’s been gone for awhile now and I wish I could say that I don’t miss him at all, but I do. He’s still my best friend, but I don’t know how many times I really want to keep doing this. There are so many things I want to say, but I’ll just keep it inside for now I guess. This time he left because of an overreaction again. He said I was being selfish when I was only trying to be helpful to Chris. He flipped out and left. I haven’t seen him sense. This is life between Erik and I. Weird I know, but I guess it’s just how he works.

With that out of the way…I’ve been wicked depressed lately, more than usual. My mom thinks it might have something to do with seasonal depression. Which I don’t really understand because I already have manic depression, so I guess it just gets worse around this time. Apparently Chris thinks this may be true as well. I don’t really know what to think. I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my councilor for awhile now, but I haven’t been able to get a time that fits right with the schedule that I have to go by. I’m hoping that he will be able to meet me at like Café Bon Bon or something so that I can finally talk. It really is one thing if not another. Things with Chris and I are going well I guess.

For the holidays we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day at my mom’s, which was really fun and I had a great time. We got to watch movies and just hang out. For Chris’s birthday we went bowling and had a party thing there. It was cool a lot of people came and Chris was really happy, which is what matters. I got the Jason box set which was wicked awesome. One more step to having a completed horror collection. I also got four more movies towards my Stephen King collection. CKJ got me baterangs which was pretty damn cool. One is black and one is silver. I’m going to hang them up by my ax when I get the motivation to do so.

I didn’t really do anything else that is worth mention on my vacation. I pretty much just chilled out and did nothing. I think I spent the majority of it trying to learn how to relax and not worry about things. I think I got an honest week of relaxation out of the whole deal. Well, I’m gonna go spend the day with Chris and try to be happier :).