Busy, Busy, Busy

Well school has started up again and it has been taking up most of my time as usual. This term is going to be harder than last term because I have 3 classes and there is a lot to cover. I had to get a part time job to try and cover some school costs because it doesn't look like the loan is going to go through, so that pretty much stinks. I already have to spend 50 to 60 hours a week on school work and now I have to work an additional 20 hours which is now more than what Chris does. It really sucks because while he is playing his games on the computer I'll be sitting on mine doing work. You wouldn't think that filling out surveys for money is work, but I assure you after the first 15 it starts to be very boring and taxing. Oh well if it means that I can finish school, I'm down with it.

My classes for this term are College Writing I, College Algebra I, and Introduction to Graphic Design which I am very much looking forward too. I have my first assignment already and it seems kinda fun, I have to draw a bunch of lines, I know that may sound dumb, but it's the way that I have to do it that is fun. I know I sound like a dumb ass as usual, but ya know I'm caring less and less. I'm making a transition and I'm not sure which way it's going to go. Chris is having some drama of his own and I know that I will get stuck being the one that has to be strong even though I always have more shit on my plate. It may seem to him like the stuff he has is more serious, but I really don't see how, I don't know it's a subject I tend to avoid because it just pisses me off.

So on another note my emotional annoyances have been acting up again and totally pissing me off. I've been blubbering and panicking and whining, and apparently bitching. Bitter? What? No. I just don't know a lot of things any more. I've been thinking a lot about Erik lately and whether or not I should be sad, glad, mad or insane. I'm very confused. I'd like to express my feelings, but I have no one that will comfort me the way I want to be and no one who will listen that isn't involved. I could accept comforting and involved, but there is none of that either. Chris just isn't very sensitive when I open up to him, he thinks I'm some sort of rock that won't break I think. I will though, and I feel as though I might. Its like I'm sitting inside myself feeling the way I do while my flesh walks around and portrays something that people want to see, or that I think people need to see. I don't know, but there isn't anyone that I can be me with. I can be mostly me, but not me, I don't even think I have ever been all me, which of course brings up the question how the hell do I know who me is if I've never been it? Well fuck, who knows. I know that I feel trapped, stifled, and I feel like some how it's all my fault. Cryptic? Yes.

My anxiety feels like it's slowly eating away parts of my rational brain which is insane because I pride myself on being a decently rational person. I don;t know how I would take it if I wasn't for a long period of time. I know how silly my anxiety seems, believe me it infuriates me that something so stupid could consume my mind. I don't have multiple personality disorder, but I sure feel like more than one person sometimes. "Well see a doctor, take some meds." Yet when I was smoking pot to help it I was doing something bad and horrible... I don't care if it is suppose to CAUSE anxiety, all I know is that it helped. Pot is gone, Erik is gone, Whatever life I had is gone. I have school, and work. Not much else. There is Chris, but I wonder if that will end. I have feelings, bad ones, and I think that they are more than just nausea. In my pit where my heart knows what is hiding it aches it throbs and it tells me of little baddies to come. Not always so little. Anywho, I have bitched rather long enough, since that is what I do, I bitch. Bitter? What? No.