What The Fuck

I'm getting really fucking sick of people thinking that having Severe Anxiety is easy and I can just stop it whenever I want to. I'm also really sick of people thinking that I'm lazy because I need to get a specific job that I wont have a fucking attack at every day. Attacks are very draining and very difficult to deal with, they make my depression flare up really bad and they are really not good for my mind or my body. Medication may very well help, but it wont solve the fucking problem. Medication solves chemical imbalances in the brain NOT psychological shit and if it does solve psychological shit it isn't a "solution" it is a temporary shut off switch for what ever your fucking issue is. I'm trying to do what I think is right and permanently solve my problem and that makes me a lazy asshole. Well you know what, fuck you. Fuck all your bullshit because your problems must not exist either. Every one is different and different things work for everyone. Just because something works for you doesn't mean that it works for me AND it doesn't mean that I'm a shmuck for not doing it. I've been on meds, many times and as soon as they are gone, the problem comes right back all over again, sometimes worse, sometimes the same. I thought it was a good thing that I knew I needed help. I thought it was good that I admitted that I need to see someone so that I can figure out why I'm afraid of this world, and why my body shakes and I cry uncontrollably when I'm in an anxious situation. Apparently this is not the case, apparently I'm supposed to have attacks and pretend that the problem isn't there until it is so bad that I actually go 100% certified insane and have to locked up in an institution wearing a fucking straight jacket because I can't even think rationally any more. A friend of mine once said that trying means nothing, only results and action mean something. Maybe he was right, maybe my efforts are shit until they produce something, but when everyone keeps stepping on me and I have to keep getting up and brushing off, that kind of takes away from me being able to try and being able to get the results. The world IS against me, the world looks down on poor people with mental problems, I'm fighting against odds that keep piling up and then I get told I'm wrong? Should I lay down and die? Should I accept the fact that I'm poor and live off the state for the rest of my life, so I can fit into my demographic? Well I think that I should try, and that I should fight, and that I should crawl and dig my way out of the demographic that I have been buried in. I will not be poor forever, and I will not live in a place where I have a chance to be beaten, shot, raped, or mugged just because I decided to walk down a street today, or because I live in one of the badder parts of town since I can't afford to live any where else.

I think maybe the worse part of all of this is that I need to accept help from a person who feels this way about me and my choices. I'm sick of all of this shit, and the efforts I make being nothing to everyone.

*Note - This rant is not directed towards anyone inparticular.*