Posty, Post, Post

Here I am again, sad and depressed, I'm begining wonder if it will stop. I feel like I'm all alone in this world and there is no one that wants to be around me any more. I suppose I could understand that. Who wants to be around someone who is depressed and sad all the time. I know I wouldn't want to be. I'm sitting here watching the X-Files and wondering about the things that are on that show. I'm wondering why I'm like this, and how it happened. There are many answers I'm sure, but I have none. I feel empty and alone. I wish that Chris could be simpathetic to my issues, but he just deals with his own. I don't even think he knows what's happening to him or what he is doing any more. I feel so badly for him, but I don't want to talk about it because he will just deny that he has any problem at all, and I'm the one who is horrible and doesn't listen, when that wouldn't be what I was trying to convey at all. We are both having a hard time right now, and I wish he could see my advice for what it is and not an attck on his character. I love him so much, but I wish he would take what I say about him to heart instead of just dismissing it. Self-reflection is one of the greatest things I have ever learned. I think maybe if Chris could do that he would be a lot better off. Unfortunately people have treated him so bad his whole life that he doesn't really know himself any more. He would argue with this of course, but I believe it to be true by research and professional opinion. It would seem to me that he just wants to be good and be right in his actions, but he doesn't want to work for it, so he just assumes that that is how he is. This is just a theory of course I really don't know. It's hard to monitor someones behavior when you are having problems with your own. I just don't know. I wish I could erase our past and just start over new without any regret, resentment, or hard feelings. I wish he could let me in, but I'm constantly left out. I've told him he can come here and read my posts if he wants the insight on me. For some reason things don't come out easily or right when I say them, but typing and writing seems to work rather well. I know if he reads this he will see it as a bad thing and be mad at me, but I'm not speaking ill of him at all. I love him so very much and I know he could be so much better if he just tried a little bit. I don't know what to do. It seems that that is the most common statement I make every day. He tells me that I'm being a bitch, and I don't always deny it, sometimes I know it, but when I tell him that he is being a jerk he pretty much automatically says he's not, without even thinking about what he is doing or saying. I hate my life right now. No one wants to hire me and I have so many things to do that I just don't want to. I'm trying to find things to be happy about and to feel that I have a good life. I mean of course there are the basic wonderful things I have like food, a house, and my wonderful animals, but as much as they should be something to make me happy, it just doesn't work any more. I'm thankful, or so VERY thankful, but not happy. I just don't know what to do or say any more.