Strange Day

Weird day today, well yesterday for all you day walkers. It's continuing tonight. I feel like my life is going to fall apart, there is a constant feeling of impending doom. I'm not sure what to do about this, I want it to stop I want all these shit feelings to stop. I'm not the same person any more. Not really sure who I've become, but I'm sure I don't like it. Chris was telling me this morning that I need to have more friends, and he said that it seems that if it takes effort I won't be their friend...well the thing is, I will only put effort forward for so long with no reciprocation. It seems like no one wants to be friends with me, I'm not sure why, I guess the lives they already have are more important than having a new friend. I'm so lost, I'm so sad, I'm nearing the end of my sanity. I can't take it with grace any more. I fumble and fall and cry and hurt. I feel like I have nothing, I feel completely empty. I need...something. There is something that I am surely missing. Am I finally losing it all and going crazy? What is that going to do to my family? I can't do that to them, I have to stay strong and hold it together. I really don't know how much longer I can. Oh it hurts so much. I've never felt like this before. I just want to leave everyone, stop hurting them with my pain...wait, am I distancing myself from people without realizing it? I haven't told my mom anything about my life in awhile...I can't stop feeling like a burden, and I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck right here and everytime I struggle the walls close in just a little more. I need Chris, but he needs his own time and he needs his own things. No one should have to deal with me, or my feelings. I just want to leave, and stop hurting people and hurt on my own. I just want to help people I love, not bother them with my issues and my crap. I miss Erik so very very much. I miss the person he used to be more than the mean alcoholic he was when he left. My councilor wants me to think more about me, but then I feel guilty and I want to just focus on someone else and help them. It seems like when I try to focus on something for me with Chris I am just being selfish. I can't keep from crying, no matter what I do. I've gone so long without it, it just seems to be inevitable now. I don't want to spend my nights alone any more. I spend four days a week except the few hours Chris and I have in the morning, completely alone. I mean I have people to chat to, but that just isn't the same. I'm just so exhausted of all this. It seems like every time something goes a little right, something else breaks. I think part of why I get so upset about Chris related issues is because I need him SO VERY much and I don't want to. I've been taught that you can't always rely on anyone, so for me to put all this trust and need into Chris is tearing me apart, I need to lean on him and rest on him and I just don't think I can. He isn't stable either, so who am I to put my shit on him. I know that isn't right, but I need someone to take care of me, I'm broken and I can't fix myself any more. I need some one else to help me right now. I just can't do it alone any more. I don't even know if I'm making sense at all right now. I need to be held, so I can just cry and cry and cry, but the only time I can seem to cry is when I am alone and that makes me despair even more, and hurt, and be sad. All these great things have happened and it seems like they don't matter to me, but I am SOO thankful for them. Like Cin and Kat's wedding was beautiful and great and I had a great time that day, but then I was right back in my hole. A while back Kat, Chris, and I went for a walk over to Auburn and we just walked around for hours. That was GREAT! I've never had a better time with Kat and it was so awesome, but then, my hole called and I jumped back in. I don't want to be in here any more, I want it to stop, but how. How, how, how, how, how? I don't know...I just don't know. I know that I really need Chris and I don't know if I can depend on him. I don't know if he is capable of being what I need right now. I don't know if I can be as weak as I need to be to him. I haven't been so weak to anyone. I don't want to risk getting hurt more. I hate taking risks, I like solid, sure things. 2 and a half hours and Chris will be home. Will I still be able to cry then? Will I be able to open up to him as I should? Who knows. I guess we'll just have to see.

I love this blog. It is very therapeutic. I can just type how I feel and then read it later to see if there are any clues in my ramblings as to how I can fix these overwhelming problems. I hate medications, but I think I may need one. Is my problem chemical? Mental? Emotional? Logical? Physical? Time will tell I suppose.

The great Lord says not to love money...I can't love it if I don't have it, but I know it would sure as hell help right now. Chris has started a second job...and all I can do to say thank you is sit here and cry instead of doing the dishes or the laundry or cleaning or doing MY shit that I am supposed to do.

I was supposed to take my first GED test last Friday, but I was sick, so I AM going this Friday...I even need Chris for that. I need him to go with me. To walk me there, so I can be less paranoid and terrified of the world around me. I wish there was no reason to be scared of the people around me, but mostly they are bad. Mean and hurtful people who like to stab and shoot people because they upset them or because of greed, or just straight up malice.

I'm to confused and tired(emotionally) to write more. So till I write again, bye bye...

Playlist -
Pearl Jam - Black (acoustic)
Creed - One Last Breath
The Flys - Got You Where I Want You
Creed - Lullaby
Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Sneaker Pimps - Flowers and Silence
Sneaker Pimps - Empathy