I'm Alive

It's been awhile since I've written anything, mostly because I've been pretty busy. My mom was in the hospital for awhile and she had to have a toe and all the bone in her foot for that toe removed so that was hard and still is. She is home, but she is still recovering, so I'm constantly worried about her. We spent the 4th out with her and it was great, we were there for 3 days which was cool. Depending on how things go I might be going back out there this week. It's nice to be able to spend time with her and keep an eye on things for myself. Plus my brothers behave when I'm there.

I'm behind in class because of the whole hospital incident, but I'm getting caught up more all the time. My grades are still As so no worries on that. Things are changing in my life, but it is all for the better. Chris and I are rather insanely happy together. I never knew how wonderful love can be. I really feel like we are truly one flesh, completely connected. It's nice to have someone to finish your sentences when you forget what you were gonna say, but they just know you so well. He is truly perfect for me and I thank God for him every day. He has made me happy beyond compare and I look forward to slowly growing old with him. Other things may suck, but with him by my side, it is never that bad.

I'm up for a tutoring position again. I'll find out if I'm eligible on the 9th, so I'm looking forward too that. Hhmm, I guess that is tomorrow, so yay. I went to a wedding yesterday for Mark and Teddy, Chris and I's friends. It was really great. The ceremony itself was like 5 minutes and then we got to hang out and get drunk the rest of the time. What a perfect wedding lol. It has definitely inspired Chris and I's plans for our 10th wedding anniversary. We want to publicly renew our vows every ten years, so I'm thinking a nice big bash with our closest family and friends would be perfect. Some quick romantic vows and then beer and party time! lol. Any way, life is good, poor, but good. As I said before, things are changing. I'm putting together a resume and getting starting on making my living as a web/graphic designer and I'll post my portfolio site whenever it gets done, probably months from now when I can get everything in order and we are solidly on our feet. I'm exciting about what God has in store for us. Till next time people, love everyone and be a good friend to someone who needs it.

If You Aren't Pissed MySpace Bulletin Posted By Me.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/newsom.asp

If you've heard about this murder and even if you have you should be furious. You should be damn furious at what our media is choosing to show us. At the puppetry that we follow along on our little strings and say ooo and ahh when something happens to a celebrity or when 50 people are killed. What about these people? Doesn't the world deserve to know what happened to these people? Don't we all deserve to know the corruption and deception of our own media, our own news crews. Not a single major network aired a word of this murder. I want you to honestly sit down and ask yourself what kind of a world you live in and if you want to continue to live here. I know I don't. Don't turn a blind eye and buy the media bullshit. Learn shit for yourselves, stop eating up all the bullshit conveniently set infront of you.

I would like people to note how often I post a bulletin or how often I really overly express my opinion. It is rarely. There is a reason. This needs our attention. We need to stop hating everyone.

I Can't Agree Enough

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/04/martin.jesus/index.html?eref=yahoo

This man is really on the right track. There are so many more things that are more important that stopping abortion and keeping people who love each other from being united. How about we focus on the things he mentioned, the things that are causing a problem now. Poverty is a HUGE problem, probably one of the biggest. Let's give these people a hand up, not a hand out and help them become better, stronger people. Let's help the homeless find jobs and homes and food. Let's make our education system better, so everyone can have a proper education. More educated people would mean less poverty. These are the issues that we need to focus on. I believe abortion is a woman's choice and honestly, these abortions are not causing global problems like poverty and homelessness is, let's focus on the REALLY important issues. In fact over population is a giant contributer to poverty, so let's take a step back and look at things in a new light.

"This I Believe"

"I am not going to talk about religious beliefs but about matters so obvious that it has gone out of style to mention them. I believe in my neighbors. I know their faults, and I know that their virtues far outweigh their faults."

"Take Father Michael down our road a piece. I'm not of his creed, but I know that goodness and charity and loving kindness shine in his daily actions. I believe in Father Mike. If I'm in trouble, I'll go to him."

"My next-door neighbor is a veterinary doctor. Doc will get out of bed after a hard day to help a stray cat. No fee -- no prospect of a fee -- I believe in Doc."

"I believe in my townspeople. You can knock on any door in our town saying, 'I'm hungry,' and you will be fed. Our town is no exception. I've found the same ready charity everywhere. But for the one who says, 'To heck with you -- I got mine,' there are a hundred, a thousand who will say, 'Sure, pal, sit down.'

"I know that despite all warnings against hitchhikers I can step up to the highway, thumb for a ride and in a few minutes a car or a truck will stop and someone will say, 'Climb in Mac -- how far you going?'

"I believe in my fellow citizens. Our headlines are splashed with crime yet for every criminal there are 10,000 honest, decent, kindly men. If it were not so, no child would live to grow up. Business could not go on from day to day. Decency is not news. It is buried in the obituaries, but is a force stronger than crime. I believe in the patient gallantry of nurses and the tedious sacrifices of teachers. I believe in the unseen and unending fight against desperate odds that goes on quietly in almost every home in the land."

"I believe in the honest craft of workmen. Take a look around you. There never were enough bosses to check up on all that work. From Independence Hall to the Grand Coulee Dam, these things were built level and square by craftsmen who were honest in their bones."

"I believe that almost all politicians are honest ... there are hundreds of politicians, low paid or not paid at all, doing their level best without thanks or glory to make our system work. If this were not true we would never have gotten past the 13 colonies."

"I believe in Rodger Young. You and I are free today because of endless unnamed heroes from Valley Forge to the Yalu River. I believe in -- I am proud to belong to -- the United States. Despite shortcomings from lynchings to bad faith in high places, our nation has had the most decent and kindly internal practices and foreign policies to be found anywhere in history."

"And finally, I believe in my whole race. Yellow, white, black, red, brown. In the honesty, courage, intelligence, durability, and goodness of the overwhelming majority of my brothers and sisters everywhere on this planet. I am proud to be a human being. I believe that we have come this far by the skin of our teeth. That we always make it just by the skin of our teeth, but that we will always make it. Survive. Endure. I believe that this hairless embryo with the aching, oversize brain case and the opposable thumb, this animal barely up from the apes will endure. Will endure longer than his home planet -- will spread out to the stars and beyond, carrying with him his honesty and his insatiable curiosity, his unlimited courage and his noble essential decency."

"This I believe."

-Robert A. Heinlein

The Good Life

Well my vacation ended today. By today I mean Wednesday. Chris also started his new job, which he likes so yay for that. This term is going to be a very challenging one for me. I'm taking Flash which looks like it will be easier this time around because I have taken the video and 3D classes which gave me a little experience in dealing with time lines. Even just reading the first few chapters in the book I am already understanding things a lot better. I also have the Flash 8 on Demand book out from the library in case I need additional help. So there is the Flash challenge and there is a very large amount of reading assigned in the other two classes. Science fiction is the worst so far. Not only do I have to read my numerous amounts of books, but I also have to read some pages here on the net. I'm taking a deep breath and plunging in head first. I didn't get a lot done today unfortunately and I probably wont get much done tomorrow since Chris doesn't have to work (yay!).

He has been so supportive and motivating. I know that I can always count on him to help get me back on the right track. If I am down and think I can't get something done he always encourages me and makes sure I do it. I really don't know where I would be without him. It's like there was a part of me that was missing, but now I am finally complete. I'm happy, motivated, and determined to work hard for the things we want out of life. I never thought I would be here. I never thought this kind of love was possible. Eh, mostly all things I have said before, but I definitely think they bear repeating in this case. I'm ACTUALLY happy. I laugh a lot and really am enjoying my life. My broke, at times boring life, but just the same. Still fun and enjoyable.

It's nice to look back on these past years with Chris and I and see how much we have both grown as people and as a couple. All the people who complain about marriage apparently haven't found their true loves yet because it really is a blast. I mean come on I get to see my best friend every day. I always have a confidant, a play mate, or just someone to be bored with. I get to wake up next to his handsome face every day and get told how beautiful I am. I'm telling ya, it really doesn't get much better than this in terms of living with someone and being in love. It's not just love, it's companionship and understand. An unbreakable bond of faith and love. People call me gross and sappy. Definitely not something I used to be. I guess that alone speaks volumes.

I'm being irresponsible of course and typing this silly entry instead of doing my homework as I should be. I'm over excited cause I know that Chris will be home very soon. It makes it hard for me to focus. For like the last hour of his shifts I am always very anxious and unfocused because I'm thinking only of seeing him again. The reading isn't too bad there's just a lot of it that I tend to get intimidated and frustrated. Which is really something I need to work on. It does me no good, so I just need to stop.

This is really cool and I don't think I have mentioned it yet. My anxiety is under some pretty good control FINALLY. I did it by hating wasting time. I thought a lot about my anxiety and the feelings it causes in me, same with my depression. I found those emotions to mostly be a waste of my time. Needless worrying and sadness when I could be enjoying myself and not being such a downer to others. Once I realized how much time this was wasting in my life I worked even harder to stop those negative emotions from getting in. I tried as hard as I could to drown them out as soon as they appeared by reminding myself that they only waste my time. I can't believe the solution was so simple all this time. I'm not saying I'm completely over these ailments, but I'm getting a lot better with them. I still have my days when I'm just intensely sad and nothing will cure it, but overall I'm better.

I look forward to learning about the things in my classes and using them for my career. I have watched a lot of science fiction and played some sci-fi games and I totally can't wait to get into the literary side of the genre. I'm glad this class isn't a breeze because I want to learn all that I can in the short 9 weeks that I have. I say short now, but I can see myself wishing it was over before it will be :). Well I have put off my work long enough and Chris should be here within the hour. Till next time.

Snowy Night

I had a visit from an old friend yesterday and it really opened my eyes to the changes I have made in my outlook. She couldn't get over how happy I was. She commented on it a couple of different times. I really am. I'm so much happier than I had even realized. Things are going really well. I'm confident in Chris's ability to find another job so that we can start catching up soon. I was worried and scared, but not any more. I'm mean I'm still a little worried of course, but I'm not letting it get to me any more. I'm not obsessively thinking about all the things that are bad right now. God has blessed me so greatly I can't help but be happy about it. Chris has been incredible and he always seems to know how to make me smile. There isn't a word good enough for him. Incredible barely scrapes the surface of how great he is. He has been very understanding and helpful with my pain in the butt environmental class.

I took another test last night and got another 80. I can't believe I'm doing so terrible in this class. My overall grade is still a 95, but I'm afraid that will change if I don't do perfect on my final. I'm doing ok in my other classes too, but not nearly as well as I would like to. I also have a 95 in my video class and I believe I have a 97 in my business class. The video class is fun, but I can't seem to get myself motivated on my final project. I'm making a video for the Snow Leopard Trust and I hope that they will accept it when I have completed it. So far I only have about one minute and I need a minute and thirty seconds, so I get to add the content that I had left out. It really sucked actually, I took out some content because I thought that it would be too long, but it ended up being too short.

Chris has been great, but he has forced me to watch Star Trek TNG with him for the last couple of days. I still don't like the show, but I really like Data so it isn't that bad. It balances out and makes it ok. I'm kidding about the forcing part he has volunteered to watch other things too.

It's snowing outside and it's supposed to be getting really bad today. Which totally sucks because I was going to do my grocery shopping today. I may try and find another way to do it because I really need cat food since I don't have any at all. Not sure if it will work out or not though depending on the weather. My cats are already pretty mad at me because I didn't feed them last night. Well Chris will be home in about an hour and a half, so I should probably get some more school work done.

Positive

I've been actively trying to be more positive lately and so far it's working out pretty well. I'm also trying to switch to a day schedule because being up all alone every night is really getting to me. All I do is think and think and that tends to put me in a sad mood. I've also been trying to find things that will curb my sadness. So far, I've found that Garfield works almost every time. The current problem with this is that my DVD player is busted and I can't watch Garfield on my computer and do school work at the same time. My monitor just isn't big enough for that sort of thing. I'm watching some Garfield on our PS2 right now, but it is messing it up. Not Garfield, but movies in general. It really doesn't like to play episodes of stuff either which stinks cause the best Garfield stuff I have is the seasons of Garfield and friends.

So yes, happy mostly now. Things are still craptastic in terms of money and stress, but I'm just focusing on trusting God and being positive. Also I've been looking to the future a lot which has turned out to be a little bit of both, positive and negative. Chris and I have laid out plans for our environmentally friendly house that we will have some day. It's going to be really great with solar power and geothermal power. I think after Chris and I square more details away I'm going to make a model in 3Ds Max so we can actually see what it will be like. Living environmentally kinda stinks cause I wont be able to have a lot of the things that I wanted in my house, but it will be better and cheaper for us in the long run. Even though this Environmental Studies class has been a wicked pain it has really opened my eyes to a lot of things that are going on in the world.

On yet another happy note my anxiety is getting better and I'm able to deal with things a lot easier. I'm working really hard to be a better person and to get over my fears and issues. I've been praying a lot more and looking to The Word for my answers as much as possible.

I've also been switching things up for my chores and homework which is doing wonders for me and my house. It cuts the stress a little and it keeps me nice and busy. Instead of just pluggin out all the school work as possible in one night and then being drained the next night I have been doing like 10 pages of reading and then doing some laundry or dishes. Then I go back and work on some more of a project until I get stressed again then I do some more house work. I still don't take breaks at night like Chris wants me too, but I take breaks when he gets home from work. I figure if I work all night I can just focus on being with him while he is here.

Things are going really well between us. We have learned so much about each other over these past years it is really amazing. We are so much closer than we ever have been and I honestly think our arguing has had a lot to do with that. It sucks when it happens, but we always talk things out rationally and calmly afterwards. I think if we can find a better outlet for all this frustration than each other we will be golden. God and the power of love have been incredibly to us. My head seems to be a lot quieter too. Like when I thought about how much Chris loves me before I would imediately think that he actually doesn't some how, but now those thoughts are there nearly as often. I don't know if it is because those thoughts are harder to manifest because things are so great or if I'm actually getting better mentally. I really hope I'm genuinely getting better. Chris is going to show me some mediation techniques that he knows, plus I have been reading up on it in my study bible and on the internet. I think if I can ACTUALLY quiet my mind I can get some better control over my negative thoughts that tend to get out of hand.

So, overall I would say that my main focus right now (besides school and life in general) is to be positive, positive, positive. Instead of saying what I usually say, I've been trying to think first and say something positive. I have ended up saying the negative thing after at times, but it is getting a lot better. Praise Jesus for the strength that he has given me to get these things done in my life. I usually say that I have never been sadder or whatever in my posts, but this time I can actually say that I haven't been this happy in a very long time :).